I like being inNew York because I
love public transportation.
I take the bus everywhere.
Like, if you're not takingpublic transportation,
you're fucking up.
It's the best.
It's like a "NationalGeographic" special that you
just get to be in for $2.
There's creatures everywhere.
This happened to me.
I was on the bus, right?
This woman gets on the bus,and she's with her kid.
And she's not paying attentionto this child at all,
like this is a feralchild at this point.
Every time-- like she's sittingbackwards on the bus seat,
so every time itstops, she's just
bouncing her face onthe back of the seat,
which is hilarious to me.
But as a parent, you're supposedto pay attention to that shit.
Here's where it gets weird.
Out of nowhere, this child juststarts climbing into my lap.
I've never-- youever seen someone who
doesn't like dogs meet a dog?
And so it's like,oh, she's cute.
Does she have her shots?
Does she bite?
Someone want to--
I don't like to judge parents.
It's not my place.
I don't have kids.
But if your child's firstresponse to this is to snuggle,
you fucked up somewhere.
Like, your child is supposedto be afraid of monsters.
This is not "Wherethe Wild Things Are."
This is real life.
I get that this whole "Game ofThrones" thing I have going on
is a bit-- it serves a purpose.
There's a game I like to play.
I like to hang out outsideof like 13-year-old nerds'
bedroom windows at night.
Let me finish.
I knock-- I knock on the window.
And then when theycome to the window,
they think Hagrid has shownup to take them to Hogwarts.
And I let a owl loose intheir bedroom, and I run away.
It's a fun game for me.
I smoke a fair amountof weed, as I'm assuming
you've already assumed.
I get that this is nota great weed disguise.
I live in Texas, though.
People still give you shit forweed in Texas, like it's drugs.
It's not drugs.
It's like-- it'snot like heroin.
Like heroin will ruin your life.
Weed just ruinsmoments in your life.
I'm fine with that trade-off.
This happened to mebecause I was too high.
I was at the bus stop.
I had two thoughtsback-to-back that shouldn't
follow each other that close.
I was sitting at the bus stop.
I saw this girl walkingacross the street.
My first thought, I was like,man, she's kind of cute.
And it was immediatelyfollowed by, is she retarded?
And those two thoughts shouldnot abut each other like that.
It's not my faultshe was a hipster.
I don't know ifyou've ever tried
to tell a hipster girl from aretarded person at a distance.
It's not easy.
They wear the same glasses.
She had on galoshes.
What do you want from me?
It was sunny outside, and shehad on rain boots with ice
cream sandwiches on the side.
She was 25 years old.
Like if you see anadult woman in the sun,
skipping down the streetin some rain boots,
you're going to be like,where is her handler?
Someone should belooking for that woman,
because she is lost.