Exclusive - Will Weldon - The Worst Second Date Ever - Uncensored

Battle 01/29/2015 Views: 6,614

Will Weldon slowly discovers that he is on a date with a frighteningly unstable person. (16:53)

And then she slips into

like full on tantrum mode whereshe like presses herself into

the wall and starts going, "Youowe me a major apology."

the wall and starts going, "Youowe me a major apology."

Thank you, everybody.On this show here's what

happens, it's just a bunch ofcomics telling true stories and

that's all it is. Tonight it'sall about fights. He's

absolutely hilarious, you guyslove him. Give it up, Mr. Will

Weldon, everybody. Let him hearit. I was out on a

second date with a lady. And ourfirst date had been fine, you

know like date where afterwardsyou're like, "I still have no

opinion on this person." Like itcould still.. We had a nice

time, but then she slept inuntil 11:30 the next morning,

and that's a weird thing to doin a stranger's bed. Like it's

just weird, it's weird to havesomeone in your bed and you've

like written some e-mails andread for a bit, and you've got

like a coffee and you're like,"I don't know, is she dead? What

do I do now?" But, uh,so we went out again. And I took

her to get dinner to pay herback for the tickets to this

thing we did on the first date.Also, we didn't sleep together,

in case she sees this and she'slike, "You lying piece of shit."

She just slept at my place, so Ididn't even like wear her out

with sex or anything. We werelike, "Good night." I don't do

that anyway. It's not my move.But so we go out, we

get dinner and that's nice, it'sa nice time and she tells me I'm

like cute and funny. And I'mlike, "Yeah, sure, I don't know

how to feel good about myself inappropriate ways, so that's

perfect. That's just what I needoutside validation." And we go

back to my apartment, we leavemy car and her purse there and

we go to a bar and we drink at abar 'cause you do. And we're

there and we're having like anice time. And she's like three

beers in and then I kinda justsee her face kinda start to

change. And earlier in the nightwe walked by a bridal store,

just like by happen stance. Andshe had been like, "That's a

really nice dress." And I waslike, "Slow down, like.." 'Cause

I'm an asshole so I was like,"Take it easy, lady."

She was like, "No no, I justmean, it's nice, it's a

well-made dress." I was like,"Well, I don't want to get

married again anyway, so itdoesn't matter to me 'cause I'm

an asshole." And she's sittingthere at the second bar and I

kind of see her.. she's likelaughing and I like watch her

face get very serious and she'sjust like, "You know, Will, I

think it's really sad that youdon't want to get married again.

You know, I think it's reallysad. I think it's sad, you don't

want to get married againbecause you are basing that

decision not off of a marriage,but off of a divorce. Because

you are divorced, Will. You'redivorced." First of

all, I know. I was there and itwas terrible. But also, I was

also married. Like I can't justbe divorced. You must be married

to get divorced. And I start toexplain to her that and then

I'll tell her like, "Oh it'sjust not for me and I'm not

insulting the institution." AndI start to say that and she

goes, "No! No! Do not interruptme, do not interrupt me or I

will leave!" And in my brain I'mlike, "I wonder if there is a

way for me to get her to justleave now." 'Cause the date is

over at this point. No one isever like, "Well, she won me

over when she screamed in myface not to interrupt her.

That's when I knew, that's whenwe really clicked, when she made

a scene on the second date."And then she's like

spiraling, she's getting so mad.She's like, "It's pathetic, it

is pathetic you don't want toget married again. It's

pathetic. You're just sopathetic. It's pathetic you

don't want to get married againbecause I have been through so

much in my life and I will getmarried. I would get married and

I have been through so much. Ihad a fiancé who abused me

physically, emotionally, andsexually. Yeah, I'm cool with

those things now, but at thetime I was not cool with what he

wanted me to do in bed. Which Ilove that she was like, "Yeah

I'm cool now, don't worry aboutit, but back then, in case you

turn this around somehow, you'rein for a good time, buddy."

And she's like "It'spathetic, I, you know, I was

anorexic, I weighed ninety fivepounds, and now I am one hundred

and ten and now I am healthy, Iam healthy. Okay?" And maybe

that seems like a lot of likepersonal information to be

throwing at someone on a seconddate, but earlier in the night

I'd been talking to her and shehad mentioned she and her and

mom donít get along and she waslike, "Yeah, I think my mom

resents me because when I getpregnant at eighteen, I went and

got an abortion and like madethe decision that she didn't

have the courage to make." Andalso knew that she was an only

child, so I was like, "Are youripping on your mom for not

aborting you right now?" I amvery pro-choice, but even to me

that seems crazy. "Youcoward, you didn't abort me, you

piece of shit." Like, it'sinsane behavior. And she's so

mad, she's like, "Pathetic, youpiece of shit, it's pathetic."

And then she's like, "We are.. Iam calling an Uber and we are

going back to your place and youare driving me home." And I was

like, "I've got a crazy idea,why don't you call an Uber and

go home? Like, why don't we cutout the middle man being me and

you just go home? Because,honestly, you've been really

rude to me tonight. I don't wantto drive you home." And she

goes, [gasps] "How dare you?First of all, my purse is at

your apartment and I do not knowwhere you live." And I filed

that away in the good news pile,for sure. Checkmark.

And then she's like, "But, also,how are you talk to me like

that? No one has ever spoken tome that way." Which means she

had the world's most politeabusive fiancé. Like, he'd just

be like, "Time for a walloping,Madame." So I'm like, "Yeah,

sure, fine, just get out of mylife." So we go out and she

calls the Uber, it shows up, weget in. I open the door for her

and as she gets in she goes,"Fuck you," like under.. like

she's like, "Now is not the timefor chivalry." So we

take the car back to her houseand I'm talking with the driver

as if nothing's going on 'causeI know it is making her so mad

that I am not acknowledging thereality of the situation.. That

I'm just like, "Oh yeah, crazynight. Nah, we were just having

drinks and heading back now."She's like, "I'm gonna.. this

piece of shit.. I just wanna.."So we get back and we go up to

my apartment. I go and splashlike cold water on my face

'cause that's like what peopledo in movies during really

stressful situations. And I gointo my bedroom and she's like,

"I looked it up, a taxi home istwenty five dollars, you owe me

twenty five dollars."And I'm like, "No, no, I'll

drive you home. It's not.. Iwill drive you home, like I want

to make sure you get home safe."And she's like, "I'm not getting

in a car with you after you havespoken to me like this. You have

called me rude and a bitch." AndI was like, "I did not call you

a bitch, I don't call peoplethat. I don't use that word, I

did not call you that." So she'slike, "Well, calling me rude is

the same thing." It'sreally not the same thing at

all, at all, at all, at all.Like if you look up "rude" in

the dictionary, it's not gonnabe like, "See also: bitch,"

like. So I'm like, "No, I'm notgiving you money." And she's

like, "Give me twenty dollars."I go, "No." She goes, "Give me

fifteen." I go, "No!" And she'slike, "Okay, ten." And I'm like,

"This is not a Bazaar inCalcutta, alright? We're not

bartering over your.. you'regetting a ride home or you're

paying for your own way home,but I'm not giving you any

money." And then shestarts to cry and she's like,

"Well, apologize to me then.Apologize. You owe me a major

apology." That is going tobecome a key phrase over the

course of the night: "a majorapology". She's like, "You owe

me a major apology." And in mybrain I go, "Hey, now might be a

good time for me to take theworld's stupidest and most

pointless stand." And I go, "No,I will not apologize to you. I'm

not apologizing to you." Andshe's like, "Apologize,

apologize!" And she's likecrying and she storms out, slams

my front door. I go to myroommate's room, uh, and he's

like, "What was that?" And I'mlike, "I have a story for you,

sir." And as soon as Ifinished it, there's like a

pounding on the front door. AndI go, "For sure, that's her."

Um, absolutely, one hundredpercent. There's no way it's

not, it's not Rahad downstairslike, "Just reminder about the

rent. Just wanted to pound onyour door at one thirty in the

morning." So I go down and she'sstaying there and she's crying

and she's like, "You asshole.Why didn't you answer your

phone? I just want a ride home."And I'm like, "Well, my phone's

on silent because if I, I don'tknow if you remember this, but

at one point tonight we were ona date with each other." Like I

know it seems like a long timeago.. And I'm like, "Okay, I

will drive you home." And she'slike, "No, apologize,

apologize!" And thenshe slips into like full on

tantrum mode where she likepresses herself against the wall

and she starts going, "You oweme a major apology. You owe me a

major apology." Like you knowhow kids get out an impossible

number of words in one breathand you're like, "How are you

saying these many words soforcefully with one intake of

breath?" So then she migrates tomy front yard and sits down and

is still crying and she'scalling.. She calls me and I

hang up on her and I'm like,"I'm still over here, you know."

So I go over and she'sstill freaking out and finally I

go, "Listen, if you will not letme drive you home, I'm gonna go

back inside. I'm not doing thisall night." And she's like, "If

you go inside, I will pound onyour door all night." I go,

"Well, if you do that I'm goingto have to call the police." And

she goes, "You fucking psycho!What the fuck? You're going to

call the police on me? What thefuck is wrong with you?" And

then she flips, and she's like,"You piece of shit, I'm fucking

glad you're divorced. Youdeserve to be divorced; you

don't deserve anything in life!"And I'm like, "So you

don't want the ride home then?Is what I'm taking from this."

So I start to go back upstairsand she's like following me like

cursing me out like a reversehype man.. I'm like a rap..

like, "You piece of shit, you'renothing and I hope you don't

ever get anything and you're afucking garbage to me." So I go

and I close the door behind mein her face and my roommate is

standing at the top of thestairs and he goes, "I thought

you were exaggerating!"So she's like pounding on the

door and then she starts callingme and she's like, "You fucking

piece of shit. You piece ofshit. Face me! Come down here

and face me!" Like, like she'sAchilles in Troy, like I

murdered her brother and she'slike, "Face me in one-on-one

combat, you coward! Come downfrom your battlement, Eric

Banner." So she's pounding onthe door and she's calling me,

and then she's like, "Youfucking cunt, you fucking

coward." And then she goes, "Bea man and face me! Why don't you

be a man and grow a cunt?"Well, like, the best

insult of all time. Like that'sso good. Like in her brain she

was like, "Yeah I'm mad but I'mstill going to strike a blow

against society's binary notionsof gender. Okay?" So finally she

figures out the magic sentencewhich is, "Get down here or I'm

going to destroy your car." AndI'm like, "Fair enough, I will

see you in a few moments. Verygood, you found the magic

phrase." So I go down and I showher on my phone I've dialed 911

and I press call and then she islike [gasps], ìYou called the

police on me? I just want a ridehome. Hang up!" So I hang up

because why wouldn't I trusther? Like, has she acted

irrationally at any pointtonight? No, no! Oh, the most

trustworthy source of the world.So I hang up, and it's

her. And I'm like, "Okay, let'sgo. Why don't we.." And as soon

as I put my hand on her shouldershe's like, "You piece of shit.

You don't fucking touch me! Youdon't touch me!" She slaps me in

the face and then she tries tokick me, but like I.. for some

reason, I throw up like an MMAstyle shin block. Not a thing I

have ever tried before. I waslike, "As long as I am embracing

new experiences, why don't Igive this one for a spin?"

And so I press redial'cause that's a thing you can do

on a phone, that's like the flawin her plan to get me not to

call the police and then toattack me is I can be like, "Oh,

right, I should have not hung upin the first place." So I press

redial and the dispatcher comeson and Iím like, "There is a

woman I was on a date withattacking me in my front yard

right now." Like as I say thewords out loud I'm like, "Hold

on, is this really what'shappening right now?" And also

I'm being very casual on thephone 'cause I'm not scared. She

is like so tiny. Like I'm notscared of her, worst case

scenario I just have to likedestroy her in a fist fight.

Like that is, she's not gonnabeat me. I'm just gonna

take her, it's like that fightZdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins

got in where he was just likewaving a guy around from his

jersey. So I'm.. I tell thedispatcher what's happening and

then this lady runs away. Sheruns off into the night like the

world's shittiest mysticalcreature. Like she was like, "My

terrible work here is done." Idon't.. I still don't know what

that work was. Andshe.. so she's running off and

I'm talking to the dispatcherand then the cops come and I'm

like, "A woman was here." I waslike, "She ran off." I'm like,

"I don't want to file charges oranything, I just don't know how

she's going to get home." I waslike, "I'm sorry this is like

such a stupid call." And thecops were like, "No, this is

great, we love the easy ones."I'm like, "That's always great

to hear cops be like, "No, no,we hate working, this is

perfect." That was..the most,the second most reassuring

moment of the evening. And then they leave and then she

calls me twice and I send her tovoicemail, she does not leave

one. One of my life's greatregrets. And then after that,

she texts me a, "You know, it'sreally rude to not answer my

phone calls." Like, the mostserious de-escalation of all

time. But the best.. and I neverhear from her again, that is it

for our interaction. She blocksme on Tinder and Instagram,

that's fine. There's a lot ofselfies of her bedroom, that's

fine. While I'm talking to thedispatcher, the best part is I'm

telling her what happened andI'm like, "Yeah, she attacked me

and she just ran off, she's runup the street toward Sunset. I

don't know how she's going toget home." And the lady goes,

"Are you still seeing her, sir?"And I'm like, "No, I'm not gonna

keep seeing her!" And then thedispatcher goes, "No, sir, I'm

asking if she's still visible toyou." Like I think she's so bad

at her job she going to be like,"Are you going to see her again?

'Cause this bitch sounds crazy."Alright I'm done. Thanks, guys.