Kirk Fox - Sea Lion

  • Season 12 , Ep 19
  • 01/11/2008
  • Views: 17,602

They attack on land, they took it to the sea. (3:46)

MY BROTHER CALLED METHE OTHER DAY.

HE'S LIKE,"DON'T TALK ABOUT ME."

I'M LIKE,"QUIT DOING RETARDED [BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE CALLED ME THE OTHER DAY,

HE'S LIKE, "MAN, I GOT ATTACKEDBY A SEA LION!

SEA LION!WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"'CAUSE IT'S A LION, BRO.

"IT'S JUST WHAT THEY DO.THEY ATTACK.

"THEY ATTACK ON LAND.THEY TOOK IT TO THE SEA.

"RELAX.

"DON'T LET THE WHISKERSFREAK YOU OUT.

"CALL ME WHEN A SEA HORSEKICKS YOU IN THE EYE.

THAT'S WHAT I WANTTO HEAR ABOUT."

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE?"

"SEA HORSE KICKED MEIN THE EYE!"

"WITH THAT HOOK?""YEAH!"

WHOA, I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.THAT'S A GOOD STORY.

"DID IT BUCK YOU OFF?"

"YEAH! THANK GOD I LANDEDIN THE WATER.

WHOA!"

"HOW LONG WERE YOU ON?""6 SECONDS."

"OH, TWO MORE,YOU'D HAVE THE RECORD."

CALL ME WHEN SEA SPONGESSTART ATTACKING.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE.

I COME OUT OF THE WATER,PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD, YOUR SKIN --IT'S GLOWING!

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC."

"SEA SPONGES.

"THEY BEAT THE HELL OUT OF ME,MAN.

"THEY HELD ME DOWN,JUST LOOFAHED ME UP.

"IT WAS NUTS.

"I'M GOING BACK IN.

"I JUST CAMETO GET SOME EXFOLIANT,

A LITTLE VANILLA SCRUB,YOU KNOW."

[ LAUGHTER ]

CALL ME WHEN BLOWFISHSTART ATTACKING.

"WHERE'S KIRK?"

"HE'S BEEN AT THE BEACHFOR LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF."

"SURFING?"

"NO, HE'S JUST STANDING THEREWAIST-DEEP.

HE'S NEVER SEEMED HAPPIER."

"WHAT'S HE SAYING?"

"HE'S SAYING, 'BACK OFF!DON'T SCARE AWAY THE FISH.'"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THEY'RE ORGANIZED.THEY'RE WORKING IN SHIFTS."

MY BROTHER'S FREAKING OUTABOUT SEA LIONS?

HE'S A NAVY S.E.A.L.,FOR GOD SAKE,

AND HE'S FREAKING OUTABOUT SEA LIONS.

I CAN'T TAKE IT.IT'S NUTS.

SORRY, I JUST HAD TOOPEN UP TO YOU ABOUT HIM.

I KNEW MY BROTHER WAS GONNA BEA NAVY S.E.A.L., THOUGH.

WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD,I WAS TAKING A BATH.

SUDDENLY, LIGHT'S OUT,

SOAP ON A ROPEAROUND MY SKINNY LITTLE NECK,

DRAGGED INTO A CUL-DE-SAC,

AND A JOHNSON'S BABY NO-TEARSSHAMPOO BOTTLE

WAS SHOVED RIGHT UP MY BUTT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

JOHNSON'S BABYNO-TEARS SHAMPOO --

HAIR?NO TEARS.

BUTT?TEARS, MAN.

LOTS OF TEARS.IT'S NOT COOL.

8 WAS A ROUGH YEAR FOR ME.THAT WAS --

I WAS ACTUALLY MOLESTEDBY A BOTTLE-NOSED DOLPHIN

WHEN I WAS 8.

I MEAN,THERE WAS NO PENETRATION.

THERE WAS DEFINITE INTENT.I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, IT'S CRAZY.I THINK WE CAN TALK.

UH...

I WAS ABOUT A MILE OFFSHORE.I'D BEEN CAUGHT IN A RIPTIDE.

I WAS GONNA SWIM DIAGONALLYA MILE

AND THEN SWIM INWHERE IT'S SAFE.

I KNOW THE RULES.

SUDDENLY, I FELT A DOLPHINRIGHT UP AGAINST MY BUTT.

AND HE BEGAN PRESSING --TRYING TO GET LEVERAGE, CLEARLY.

AND EVENTUALLY TOOK ME TO SHORE,RAN OUT OF REAL ESTATE,

AND JUST LEFT ME THERE.

MY FRIENDS WERE LIKE, "DUDE,THAT DOLPHIN SAVED YOUR LIFE!"

I WAS LIKE,"YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN.

"YOU DIDN'T SMELL THE ALCOHOL,THE LITTLE SLURRED SQUEAK.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT DOWNOUT THERE."

I THINK I SAW THE DOLPHINLIKE TWO YEARS LATER.

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE,"HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

I'M LIKE, "I THINKHE WAS WEARING MY SHORTS.

PRETTY SURE IT WAS HIM."

LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE DOLPHINS.

THEY GET UPSETWHEN I TALK ABOUT THEM.

I'LL TELL YOU A WOMANWHO DOESN'T REALLY LOVE THEM.

THIS LADY IN NEW ZEALANDLAST MONTH,

HANGING OUT ON HER BOAT,JUST CHILLING.

WALKMAN, MAYBE, OR I DON'T KNOWWHAT SHE WAS DOING.

SUDDENLY, DOLPHIN JUMPED IN THEBOAT, BEAT THE HELL OUT OF HER.

KILLED HER.

JUMPED OUT, SQUEAKED,SWAM AWAY.

DOLPHINS ARE [BLEEP] PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY KILL JUST AS MANY PEOPLEEVERY YEAR

AS GREAT WHITE SHARKS.

THEY JUST HAVEA BETTER PUBLICIST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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