Uncensored - Kristen Schaal - The Taintologues Pt. 3

Kristen Schaal: Live at the Fillmore Season 1, Ep 1 04/01/2013 Views: 15,444

Kristen Schaal came into this world taint first. (3:00)

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still don't knowwhat a taint is...

I'm going to doanother monologue.

This one'sa little more raw, okay?

So, if you have a tender soul,brace yourself.

This one, um--

This one is titled,



I came into this worldtaint-first!

[laughter]- [cheers]

They call it a taint

'cause it tain't the anus,and it tain't the pussy,

and it tain't the balls!

[cheers and applause]

Tain't nothin' there!

But a gorgeous, delicious,butt-sized taint.


I could go for sometaint right now.

[audience members cheer]

It's my living.

People pay me good moneyto take care of their taints.

I will ice your taint,burn your taint,

pierce your taint, slap yourtaint, blackmail your taint!

[laughter and cheering]

I might even eat Thanksgivingdinner off your taint.

[laughter and cheering]

And you betterhold real still,

'cause if one dollop ofstuffing falls off your taint,

I will murder you.

[laughter and light applause]

- Yeah!

- Didn't alwaysdominate taints for a living.

Used to be an architect.

Designed several skyscrapers,

some of them famous.


[light applause]

The first thingI teach my customers

when they come to see me

is the taintwithin the taint.

There's a tiny heartbeatin the center of a taint

like a little mouse with no feetor legs, just a heart.

Bo-boom! Bo-boom!Bo-boom!

And I have themtouch their hand

to their taint hearts,and feel that beat.

Bo-boom! Bo-boom!


Everybody,put your hand to your taints!

And feel your mouse hearts!

Do it! Do it!

Or I will murder you.


[cheers and applause]