Mitch Hedberg - Instant Oatmeal

  • Season 20 , Ep 2002
  • 05/22/1998
  • Views: 28,776

Making instant oatmeal feels unproductive. (2:27)

I CAN'T WAIT TILLTHIS SET IS OVER,

BECAUSE I HAVE A ROLL OF"LIFESAVERS" IN MY POCKET,

AND PINEAPPLE IS NEXT.

( whistling and cheering )

I LOOK AT THE FLOOR TOO MUCH,EVERYONE'S UP THERE.

I GET UP IN THE MORNING,I MAKE MYSELF A BOWL OFINSTANT OATMEAL,

AND THEN I DON'T DO ANYTHINGFOR AN HOUR.

WHICH MAKES ME WONDERWHY I NEED THE INSTANT OATMEAL.

I COULD GET THE REGULAR OATMEAL,AND FEEL PRODUCTIVE.

I LIKE "KIT-KATS" UNLESSI'M WITH FOUR OR MORE PEOPLE.

I GOT MY BACKSTAGE PASS,

SO WHEN I LEAVE THE STAGETHEY DON'T GIVE ME ANY PROBLEMS.

"GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT."

I WORK AT "ZANY'S COMEDY CLUB"IN NASHVILLE,

AND I WASN'T GETTINGA LOT OF LAUGHS THERE.

SO THE CLUB OWNER SAID,"MITCH, YOU'RE NOT GETTINGANY LAUGHS.

"YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TOVACUUM THE CLUB."

HE MADE ME VACUUM.

SO I TOLD THE NEXT CROWD,"HEY, Y'ALL GOTTASTART LAUGHING,

"OTHERWISE,DON'T DROP SH--."

"WERE THEYA GOOD CROWD ?"

"YEAH, THEY WERE NEAT."

SOME COMEDY CLUBSPASS OUT COMMENT CARDS,AND I THINK THAT'S RUDE.

I'LL JUST PRETEND THIS LISTOF MY JOKES FOR TONIGHTIS A COMMENT CARD.

THERE'S A LINE THAT SAYS"COMMENTS,"

AND PEOPLE WRITE DOWNWHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THE SHOW,

AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE WRITENEGATIVE THINGS,

AND THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

NOW BEING A COMEDIAN ISA VERY NOBLE OCCUPATION,

WE STAND IN FRONT OF STRANGERSAND TRY TO MAKE 'EM LAUGH.

IF YOU DON'T THINK IT'S FUNNY,TRY AGAIN NEXT WEEK.

DON'T COMPLAIN 'CAUSE THENI CAN'T GO BACK.

I'VE READ SOME THAT SAYS,"MITCH SUCKS."

THEN YOU LOOK UP ABOVE IT,IT HAS THEIR NAME AND ADDRESS.

THAT'S RIGHT, I DO SUCK,BUT I GOT A LOT OF FREE TIME.

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