Chris Hardwick - Nerd Defense

Chris Hardwick: Mandroid Season 1, Ep 1 11/10/2012 Views: 11,949

If Chris Hardwick is attacked by someone holding up two mitts, he can hit those mitts all day long. (2:25)

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how to defend myself,you know,

because I never couldwhen I was growing up.

So I wanted to take up boxinga few years ago

so I could [bleep] someone upwith these guns.


'Cause sometimes wordsdon't hurt enough.



Hashtag "grrr."

Hashtag "hashtaggingoutside of Twitter."

So I took up boxingseveral years ago, guys,

and now I know how to box.

So if I'm in a sociallychallenging situation

and someone comes up to meand they're like,

"All right, pussy,"

and then they hold uptwo mitts,

I could hit those mittsall day long.

Sure I could.

But if he started swinging backat me at all,

there'd be a lot of cryingand fear pee.

I feel like, as nerds, the onlyrecourse most of us have

is to--you have to pretendto be psychotic, right?

You have to pretend.

'Cause listen,most nerds--white guys,

serial killer age range,pasty.

It's totally plausiblethat we would have

a stack of bodies in a shed.

You just have to come upwith a good line

of psychotic babbleand stick to it.

It's something the animalkingdom does all the time.

You adopt the danger colorsof more dangerous animals.

And so what I've doneis I have purchased a large,

kind of Lord of the Rings-stylebroadsword

that I will keep tucked intothe back of my pants.

If I'm walking homelate at night,

and someone jumps outand says like,

[folksy]"I'm gonna rob you!"

I don't knowif they say it that way.

I've never been robbed.

Maybe they don't sound likean Old West prospector,

"Give me all your gold.Gold!

Ho, ho, gold!"

By the way, if youare ever being robbed

by an Old West prospector,

you could merely slink awaywhile he is celebrating

the concept of gold,as they are wont to do.

"Hey, yippee, gold!

Eh, hey,where'd everybody go?"

Whatever my attacker says,

I will look him squarelyin the eye and say,

"They told me you would come,"

extract the sword,

slice myself slowly acrossthe chest and proclaim,

"The prophecyis almost complete.