how to defend myself,you know,
because I never couldwhen I was growing up.
So I wanted to take up boxinga few years ago
so I could [bleep] someone upwith these guns.
'Cause sometimes wordsdon't hurt enough.
Hashtag "hashtaggingoutside of Twitter."
So I took up boxingseveral years ago, guys,
and now I know how to box.
So if I'm in a sociallychallenging situation
and someone comes up to meand they're like,
"All right, pussy,"
and then they hold uptwo mitts,
I could hit those mittsall day long.
Sure I could.
But if he started swinging backat me at all,
there'd be a lot of cryingand fear pee.
I feel like, as nerds, the onlyrecourse most of us have
is to--you have to pretendto be psychotic, right?
You have to pretend.
'Cause listen,most nerds--white guys,
serial killer age range,pasty.
It's totally plausiblethat we would have
a stack of bodies in a shed.
You just have to come upwith a good line
of psychotic babbleand stick to it.
It's something the animalkingdom does all the time.
You adopt the danger colorsof more dangerous animals.
And so what I've doneis I have purchased a large,
kind of Lord of the Rings-stylebroadsword
that I will keep tucked intothe back of my pants.
If I'm walking homelate at night,
and someone jumps outand says like,
[folksy]"I'm gonna rob you!"
I don't knowif they say it that way.
I've never been robbed.
Maybe they don't sound likean Old West prospector,
"Give me all your gold.Gold!
Ho, ho, gold!"
By the way, if youare ever being robbed
by an Old West prospector,
you could merely slink awaywhile he is celebrating
the concept of gold,as they are wont to do.
"Hey, yippee, gold!
Eh, hey,where'd everybody go?"
Whatever my attacker says,
I will look him squarelyin the eye and say,
"They told me you would come,"
extract the sword,
slice myself slowly acrossthe chest and proclaim,
"The prophecyis almost complete.