I got a dick pic recently.
(audience oohing)Um... I know.
You never get a dick picwhen you're expecting one.
it's never, like,you're checking your inbox,
like, where the hellis that (bleep)?
It was supposed to behere four hours ago.
That's why dick picsare hilarious.
They're just very jarring.
Just this rogue dickin the middle of your day.
I was just looking ata beautiful tree
and then I saw it come in.
I'm like,oh, dear, there's a (bleep).
It just snaps youback into things.
I think they're hilarious 'causethey're just so unnecessary.
It's like, we already knowthe dick is there
if we chooseto call upon it.
We don't need, like,a dirty little reminder.
And guys always lookvery stern for some reason
whenever they send dick pics,they get very serious, you know?
I don't know why you haveto look like a principal
while you're holdingyour dumb dick.
"That tool was juststanding there
just really letting me knowI was in trouble," you know?
It's different for you guys,like, if you get a picture
of a naked woman,that's exciting, you know?
Because it meanssomething important.
It means that you might beinside of her soon, you know?
It's good news.
But, yeah, we already knowthat dick is there.
It's alwaysjust littered about.
The street islittered with dicks.
That's what I'm gonna callthe special, by the way,
"The Street isLittered with Dicks."
Yeah, dick isn't important.
That's why you can never usedick as an excuse.
If you called up your friendand you were, like,
late to his birthday dinneror something,
you could be like, "Dude,I'm really sorry I'm late,
but I think I'm gonnaget some pussy,"
and he would understand,you know?
But if I called up my friend
on some important occasionin her life...
some moment that she needed meto be there for her...
And I was like,"Listen, um...
"I don't know if I'm gonna beable to make it tonight.
It looks like I might be ableto get my hands on some dick."
She would be like,
"The street is litteredwith dicks."