Retta - Dating a Skinny Latino Man

  • Season 8 , Ep 5
  • 02/12/2004
  • Views: 9,835

Retta and her boyfriend can't play chicken at a pool party. (4:02)

Retta: SO I'M VERY EXCITED.

I HAVE A NEW MAN IN MY LIFE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

BY APPLAUSE, HOW MANY WOMEN HERE

HAVE DATED A LATINO MAN?

[APPLAUSE]

GOOD CHOICE.

GOOD CHOICE.

GOOD CHOICE.

I ASKED THAT QUESTION IOWA.

THEY WERE LIKE, "A WHAT?"

"WE DON'T HAVE LATNOS."

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU HAVEN'T, I HIGHLY

RECOMMEND IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT IN

DATING HIM?

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S LATINOS

IN GENERAL OR IF IT'S

PUERTO RICANS.

HE'S PUERTO RICAN.

YEAH.

VERY FOND OF BIBLICAL NAMES.

FOR 2 1/2 MONTHS I DATED

JESUS.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

JESUS.

WHICH IS UNSETTLING 'CAUSE

I'M A SINNER.

HIS BEST FRIEND IS ANGEL.

JESUS AND ANGEL JUST LIKE THAT.

WHO KNEW?

BUT WHEN I FIRST STARTED

DATING HIM I CALLED MY MOM.

AND MY MOTHER AND I ARE NEVER

ON THE SAME PAGE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, MOM,

GUESS WHAT?

I'M DATING JESUS."

HA-HA-HA-HA!

SHE WAS NOT AMUSED.

"YOU KNOW I DON'T APPROVE OF

THAT SORT OF THING.

MIXED MARRIAGES RARELY WORK.

BESIDES, HOW'D YOU END UP WITH A

JEW?"

[LAUGHTER]

"OKAY, MOM, HE'S NOT JEWISH.

HE'S CATHOLIC.

HE'S LATINO."

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, SO HE CAN'T

REALLY GO OUT INTO THE SUN,

CAN HE?"

"LATINO, NOT ALBINO.

LATINO."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUT HE WAS SO CUTE.

SO SWEET.

SO FUNNY.

SO NICE.

BUT SO SKINNY.

I'M SO NOT.

THIS WAS US OUT.

"ARE YOU READY TO GO?

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON!

COME ON!"

[APPLAUSE]

SO CLEARLY I HAD ISSUES WITH

THE RELATIONSHIP 'CAUSE I

COULDN'T DO THE CUTE LITTLE

GIRLFRIEND THINGS THAT OTHER

GIRLS GET TO DO.

LIKE WHEN I SPENT THE NIGHT

AT HIS HOUSE, I CAN'T WEAR HIS

PAJAMA SHIRT TO BED.

[LAUGHTER]

DOESN'T FIT.

AND EVEN IF I DO GET IT CLOSED

THEN THOSE BUTTONS BECOME

DANGEROUS PROJECTILES.

[LAUGHTER]

[SHOOTING SOUND]

OH, [BLEEP]!

I COULDN'T DO THINGS LIKE SIT ON

HIS LAP AT A PARTY.

"HONEY, TELL ME WHEN YOUR LEGS

START TO GET NUMB.

HONEY?

HONEY?"

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE THEN IT WAS ALL ABOUT,

"CLEAR!"

AND I DIDN'T NEED THE DRAMA.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I COULDN'T DO THINGS LIKE

PLAY CHICKEN AT A POOL PARTY.

"GET UP.

THEY'RE STARTING THE GAME.

"COME ON, BUBBLES, PICK ME UP."

'CAUSE EVEN IF HE DID GET UP

HE'S ALL, "WHOA.

WHOA."

AND WHO WANTS TO BE RESPONSIBLE

FOR THEIR BOYFRIEND'S BROKEN

CLAVICLE?

NOT ME.

NOT AGAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THAT A

BIG GIRL'S NOT GONNA HEAR HER

SKINNY BOYFRIEND SAY.

THINGS LIKE, "SAY MERCY OR

I'LL THROW YOU IN THE POOL."

[LAUGHS]

"WORD."

"COME ON.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT,

ICHABOD.

WHAT'S UP?"

"OH-HO, WHO'S WET NOW?

LOOK AT YOU.

TWO FOR FLINCHING, YOU PUNK."

[LAUGHTER]

NUMBER ONE THING A BIG GIRL'S

NOT GONNA HEAR HER SKINNY

BOYFRIEND SAY, "SWEETIE, YOU

LOOK SO SEXY IN THAT THONG."

"THONG?

WHAT THE-- OH."

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, THAT'S MY TIME.

MY NAME IS RETTA.

THANK YOU GUYS FOR COMING OUT.

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