Amy Schumer - Class It Up

Amy Schumer: Mostly Sex Stuff Season 1, Ep 101 08/18/2012 Views: 50,141

When Amy Schumer sleeps with her high school crush, he gets the wrong idea. (2:14)

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I FINALLY JUST SLEPT WITHMY HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH.

[cheers and applause]RIGHT?

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU,BUT I SWEAR, NOW HE, LIKE,

EXPECTS ME TO GOTO HIS GRADUATION.

[laughter]

LIKE I KNOW WHERE I'M GONNABE IN THREE YEARS, RIGHT?

I'M LIKE, "WHOA!"

SLOW IT DOWN.

[bleep]ING KIDS, RIGHT?

[bleep]ING...

YOU LOOK, LIKE, UPSET.LIKE, I DON'T [bleep] KIDS.

THAT'S A JOKE.

LIKE, I WOULD NEVER--

I SHOULDN'T SAY NEVER.

THAT'S LIKE--YOU DON'T KNOW--

I FEEL LIKE I JUST PAINTEDMYSELF IN A CORNER THERE.

BUT, UM, THAT'S NOTA GOOD WAY TO START.

THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL THEATER.

I SHOULD HAVE STARTED OFF

WITH SOMETHINGOTHER THAN KID [bleep]ING.

YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT.

START OVER.CLASS IT UP.

MY MOM'S A [bleep].HEAR ME OUT.

[laughter]

I KNOW, LIKE, NOT EVERYONE'SCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT WORD.

HALF OF YOU WERE LIKE,"UGH," RIGHT?

"NO, DON'T SAY THAT,"

AND THE OTHER HALF OF YOUWERE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE."

[laughter]

I BROUGHT HERTO A SOCCER GAME

'CAUSE I WANTED TO SHOW HERWHAT BOUNDARIES LOOKED LIKE,

YOU KNOW?

I WAS LIKE, "LOOK."

SHE'S LIKE,"I DON'T SEE 'EM."

I'M LIKE,"I KNOW. I KNOW.

STOP CALLING MY FRIENDS,HOW ABOUT THAT?"

SHE'S ALWAYS BRAGGINGABOUT THE DUMBEST STUFF.

THE OTHER DAY SHEWAS TELLING ME, SHE WAS LIKE,

"YOU KNOW, I CAN STILL FITIN MY WEDDING DRESS,"

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.WHO CARES?" RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT IS WEIRDTHAT SHE'S THE SAME SIZE NOW

AS SHE WAS WHEN SHEWAS EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT,

BUT I JUST--

[laughter]

I DON'T THINKBRAGGING'S COOL.

A LITTLE ABOUT ME.

I TOOK PLAN "B"ABOUT TEN DAYS AGO.

UM...[cheering]

THANK YOU.OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

ONLY CLAP IF YOU MEAN IT.

UH...

I DID.

YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE HERE--IT'S THE MORNING-AFTER PILL.

I TAKE IT THE NIGHT BEFORE'CAUSE I'M SMART.

BUT SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO--I'M WITH YOU GOOD PEOPLE.

I BELIEVE BIRTHBEGINS AT CONCEPTION.

SO I JUST, LIKE,BEAT THAT SHIT.

UH...