So it's day two of our feud
with the Cheesedick Factory.
All right, yeah,I'm not done.
Yesterday, we called them out
(laughing): literally thousandsof people tweeted,
"Hey @Cheesecake,I just burned my genitals
"on your loadedbaked potato tots.
How about an RT?"
People who were following meon Twitter
that were not watching the show
were very confused by whyI would tweet that.
But after 13 hours theyresponded with "Points!"
All right? So I'm glad wefinally have your attention,
Cheesecake Factory, but I wantto make something very clear.
I give the points,you don't give the points.
You give our dickssecond degree burns
with your generous portionsof mouthwatering appetizers
at pricesthat don't break the bank.
Let's get into our demands.
We would like you to sendyour CEO,
Professor McCheesecake here,
who clearly just got donescolding his son Pinocchio.
He needs to come to our showThursday night,
with enough cheesecake foreveryone in our studio audience.
So if you do...
I'm not done being fake mad.
If you do everything we ask,we will sign a cease-fire
and promise to never make fun ofCheesecake Factory again.
And just in case you don't thinkwe're serious...
Boys, show 'em.
-No, no.-(cheering and applause)
I'm not messing around.
I'm just saying,
sure would be a shameif something was to happen
to any moreof your delicious cheesecakes.
That's all I'm saying.
Chris, if you've got morecheesecake,
why don't you give it to theaudience instead of smashing it?
HARDWICK:It's not about that, Al.
No. It's not about that.
I'll give you 100 points,but it's not about that.
So this can all go awayif you just show up here
with cheesecake on Thursday andthen everything will be fine.
So, comedians, let's assumecheesecake is a factory
of its word and help us come upwith some terms
for theCheesecake Factory-@midnight
cease-fire treaty agreement.
Mary Lynn, let's start with you.
(clears throat)We here on @midnight
heretofore agreeto never make jokes such as,
your avocado egg rollscause diarrhea and Zika.
We will direct all similarcommentary to Kellyanne Conway.
All right, I'll give you200 points for that.
Both parties must make sweetlove in a bath of ranch dressing
under the watchful eyeof Guy Fieri.
I'll give you, uh...
-1,000 points for that, Al.-This is how it is.
From now on, The CheesecakeFactory has to put one thing
on the menu that doesn't haveenough calories
to be considered a hate crime.