Patrice O'Neal - Thousand-Pound Man

Mirman, Friedlander, O'Neal, Kilmartin Season 5, Ep 501 11/23/2001 Views: 8,105

How did a man get to be a thousand pounds? He ate. (1:53)

AND THAT'S NOT ENOUGH MOTIVATION

FOR ME.

I DON'T NEED TO LIVE THAT MUCH.

YOU KNOW.

SO YOU AUGHT TO HAVE RULES

TO YOUR FATNESS.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN THE FAT

BECOMES A DISEASE WHERE PEOPLE

FEEL BAD FOR YOU.

I WAS WATCHING JERRY SPRINGER

AND HE HAD A THOUSAND POUND MAN

ON AND THAT WAS IT.

HE WAS A THOUSAND POUNDS.

OKAY?

I'M THREE HUNDRED POUNDS.

THAT MEANS THIS DUDE WAS

THREE OF ME AND ANOTHER DUDE

WITH PNEUMONIA--

HE WAS JUST LAYING THERE JUST...

BREATHING.

THAT WAS HIS JOB.

THAT'S WHAT HE WAS DOING.

(GROANS)

AND PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

WERE CRYING.

"OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

HE'S A THOUSAND POUNDS.

WHAT HAPPENED?"

(LAUGHTER)

EXACT--

HE ATE.

YOU DON'T--

YOU DON'T CATCH A THOUSAND

POUNDS.

NOBODY STICKS WITH A DIRTY

NEEDLE AND GIVES YOU A THOUSAND

POUNDS.

YOU EAT.

THAT'S A BABY, A KILLER WHALE

OR--

A FULL GROWN SEA LION

IS A THOUSAND POUNDS.

AND WE JUST LET SOMEBODY EAT

UNTIL THEY GET TO THAT POINT.

THERE GOT TO BE RULES.

I GOT MY OWN RULES.

I'LL KILL MYSELF IF EAT--

WHERE UNDER MY STOMACH--

IF I START TO GROW, LIKE WHAT

LOOKS LIKE AN ASS IN THE FRONT.

IF I GROW AN ASS IN THE FRONT...

(LAUGHTER)

I'M GONNA SHOOT MYSELF.

'CAUSE I KNOW I'M NOT GONNA LOSE

WHAT I NEED TO LOSE TO LOSE

AN ASS IN THE FRONT.

I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT MUCH

EXERCISE.

BUT THIS DUDE HAD TITTIES

EVERYWHERE.

ON HIS NECK, HIS SHOULDERS--

HE WAS JUST FULL OF TITTIES.

I WAS GETTIN' HORNY WATCHIN'

HIM.

I WAS LIKE, YEAH!

HEY, I GOT TO GO, MAN.

YOU ALL TAKE C