Thank you very much.
A right to be here tonightarea I've met they're entering
a minimum where we are the longand I heard a lot just please
down think are going to cometo a lot of this room we love
everyone here weespecially like you
said right welleveryone I could say
EARL: I'm never satisfieduntil I kill again.
LANK: I'd like to thank, uh--
BOTH: (SPEAKING OVER EACHOTHER) Thank you very much.
It's good to, good to be here--
-Horrible rash onmy left thigh--
People, people say-- buggingthe hell out of me right now--
-Go to Two-Drink minimum,they've got a lot of, uh--
- --itching, burning, chafing--
- --a lot of the top--
- --top, top--
Keep up, OK?
- This woman didn'thear it, in the front.
-Take notes, burningand chafing, scraping.
-Hello, we're Lank and Earl.
I'm Barry, he's Jim.
-How are you?
-Usually we, uh, like toopen with a few impressions.
Impressions are kindof our strength.
We're known all over thecountry for our impressions,
aren't we, Jim?
-We're not gay.
-OK, but this-- um--
-If I were, it wouldn't be him.
-So tonight, uh--
-It'd be you.
Yeah, it'd be him.
-But tonight, uh--
I don't know.
But tonight, we wanted todo something really special,
something that wouldmake us stand out.
-Right, so we brought a gun.
What we've done iswe've loaded, uh,
1 live hollow-pointround in the chamber.
My partner is now goingto spin the chamber
and, uh, I'm goingto tell a joke
while he pointsthe gun at my face.
At the end of the joke, Jimwill slowly squeeze the trigger,
and if I'm lucky,we'll hear nothing
more than an audible click.
It's then my turn tohold the gun on Jim,
and we'll go back andforth in this manner
until we run out of time.
Hold it down til the end.
-Are you ready, Jim?
-Yes I am, Barry.
-OK, here we go.
Well, I've, uh--
I've been trying tomeet women, and, um--
Somebody told methe best way to meet
women is to dosomething you enjoy.
I mean, right away, youhave something in common.
And so I spent thelast, uh, year smoking
dope and watchingtelevision, and, uh--
And nobody-- nobody'scome into the apartment.
Hehe, that's pretty good.
-Well, uh, my dad'sa horrible racist.
When I say horrible, I meanhe's just not very good at it.
He used to scream things like,uh, "Damn Syro-Hittites!"
"Lousy stinking Etruscans!"
"If I trip over onemore terra cotta--!"
Dating's weird, isn't it?
I mean, you know, women,they go in the bathroom,
they stay there, andwhat's this bungee jumping?
I mean, uh--
[gun clicks 3 times]
-Sometimes I get a littleimpatient, you know?
-Let's end withsomething up and happy.
Let's just do away with this.
Quick featurette we call"Rufus the Talking Dog."
This is Rufus, he is my dog.
Let's see if we can gethim to talk us, shall we?
Rufus, what is my name?
-(IMITATING A DOG) Ralph.
That's right, my name is Ralph.
What does sandpaper feel like?
-(IMITATING A DOG) Rough.
-It feels veryrough, that's right.
What's at the top of a house?
-(IMITATING A DOG) Roof.
A roof, that's right.
And, what's at thebottom of a house?
-A basement, that'sabsolutely-- -Thank you!