Arj Barker - Irish Soap

  • Season 3 , Ep 16
  • 09/21/2000
  • Views: 6,246

Arj Barker thought Ireland was going to be more like the soap commercials. (1:57)

I LOVE NEW YORK, THOUGH--I NEVEREAT ANY OF THE ICE CREAMS.

THAT THEY SELL IN THE PARK.

THAT'S JUST DISGUSTING.

YOU SEE THE PICTURE OF THEM?

THEY ALL HAVE A LITTLE BITETAKEN OUT OF THEM ALREADY.

THAT'S--THAT'S JUST RANCID.

I ACTUALLY GOT TO GO TO IRELANDTHIS YEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME,

AND, I MEAN--IT'S THE BEST.

I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME.

I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT--

I THOUGHT I KNEW SOMETHINGABOUT IRELAND.

BUT ALL I KNEW ABOUT IRELANDBEFORE I WENT THERE

WAS WHAT I LEARNED FROM WATCHINGSOAP COMMERCIALS ALL MY LIFE.

I WAS TOTALLY MISINFORMED.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I THOUGHT IT WASAN IRISH TRADITION

WHERE YOU DON'T EVENTAKE A SHOWER WITH YOUR SOAP.

YOU TAKE YOUR SOAPFOR A WALK.

[laughter]

YOU COMPLIMENT THE SOAPFOR A LITTLE WHILE,

AND THEN SUDDENLY,

YOU JUST START HACKING IT UPWITH A HUNTING KNIFE.

[with Scottish accent]"YOU'RE A NICE PIECE OF SOAP.

"YOU'RE SMOOTH,AND YOU SMELL GOOD TOO.

"AND IT'S A PLEASURE

"TO BE UP HEREON THE MOUNTAINTOP WITH YOU,

"WAY UP HERE UPONTHE CRAGGY MOUNTAINTOP.

"THERE YOU GO.

"FEEL THE WEE GENTLE BREEZEAGAINST YOUR BAR.

"TAKE A LOOKAT THE VALLEY BELOW.

"THERE YOU GO.

"CAN YOU SEE YOUR HOUSEFROM HERE?

"THAT WAS A JOKE, AND THAT'STHE LAST JOKE YOU'LL EVER HEAR,

"YOU SUDSY BASTARD.

"THERE'S A SLICE OFFTHE SIDE OF YOU.

"THAT'S FOR SHOOTINGOUT OF ME HAND

"LIKE A BUBBLING BULLET,

"STICKING TO THE FLOOROF THE SHOWER,

"AND I CAN'T PRY YOU UPWITH ME WEE FINGERNAILS,

"SO I'VE GOTTO GO GET THE SPATULA.

"GET DOWNON THE GROUND THERE.

"GET DOWN ON THE GROUND.

"LATHER ALL YOU WANT.NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU.

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