I don't know if you guysnoticed,
we're recording this show.
It's a very useful tool
for me as a comedianto record my sets.
So I can take it home,
and when I listen tomy standup back, it's just--
it helps me, um, [bleep],
because I'm a narcissist.
Are there nerds here tonight?
[cheers and applause]
I'm so happy.I'm so happy.
You know,when I was growing up,
there was nothing cool aboutbeing a nerd.
You had to hide from peopleand you had to keep it inside,
and now we can beout and proud
about the nerdy thingsthat we love.
Like, when I wasin grade school,
I was into, like,chess club, Latin club,
the D&D computer camp.
Like everything that madevaginas go away,
I was way into.
And that's no longerthe case anymore, right?
I mean, like,nerds are powerful.
Like, pop culture is run by nerds.
Like, even the redneckiestof rednecks
has a smartphone, a DVR,a DSLR camera,
a laptop, a desktop.
Nerds make the shiny things thatdistract the mouth-breathers.
Like, that is why
we are powerful, right?
I will [bleep] you withmy second-place chess trophy.
I have a first-placechess trophy,
but the second-placehas the bishop on top,
and that is for you.
Doesn't a bishopon a chess board
already look like he's beenshoved into someone's ass?
He just has that like,
"Oh, God,what are you doing to me?
I'm gonna move awayfrom you diagonally."
Chess was aboutas sporty as I got.
Couldn't play sports,don't get sports,
Don't try to talk to meabout sports.
Like, if a guy comes upand starts spitting out stats
and what happened inthe most recent game,
like, to meall he's saying is,
"Hey, let's puncheach other in the [bleep]
"right after we pound theseenergy drinks out of a douche
while we [bleep] our Ed Hardyt-shirts at dickhead camp."