Jim David - North vs. South

  • Season 4 , Ep 2
  • 12/10/2000
  • Views: 8,115

I LIVE RIGHT THERE, RIGHT HERE,

UNDER THE BRIDGE.

NEW YORKERS ARE THE BIGGEST

BUNCH OF SNOBS YOU HAVE EVER

SEEN IN YOUR ENTIRE--

THEY HAVE BEEN THERE, DONE THAT,

AND THEY HATED ALL OF IT.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY COULD CLIMB TO THE TOP OF

MT. EVEREST AND GO, "OH, WELL,

THIS IS OVERRATED.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THERE'S A DRAFT."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT I'M ORIGINALLY FROM

THE SOUTH.

I'M FROM THE GREAT STATE OF

NORTH CAROLINA.

THAT'S THE STATE THAT GAVE YOU

SENATOR JESSIE HELMS,

JIM AND TAMMY BAKKER,

AND TOBACCO.

THAT'S 3 CANCER-CAUSING AGENTS

RIGHT THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

I AM WHITE TRASH AND PROUD.

I WAS RAISED IN AN

UPWARDLY-MOBILE HOME.

SO I PREFER TO BE CALLED

"TRASH DE BLANCHE."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY JUST SAW ME

AND THEY SAID, "OH, YOU'RE FROM

THE SOUTH.

I'M FROM FLORIDA."

(LAUGHTER)

FLORIDA'S NOT THE SOUTH.

WHEN YOU'VE GOT TWO ALTACACAS

SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER ON A

PARK BENCH AND ONE OF THEM SAYS,

"WELL, I USED TO KEEP A KOSHER

TABLE, BUT I DON'T ANYMORE,"

THAT'S NOT THE SOUTH.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THE SOUTH IS WHERE I'M FROM

WHERE THEY'RE SITTING IN

THE NUDE IN THE DARK ON A DIRTY

MATTRESS BY THE MOBILE HOME,

SMOKING HAWAIIAN 'CENSE AND

SWIGGING THUNDERBIRD.

DAD SAYS TO MOM, "YOU KNOW,

HONEY, IT DON'T GET NO BETTER

THAN THIS."

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S JUST TOTALLY DIFFERENT HERE

IN NEW YORK, TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

LIKE YOU ASK DIRECTIONS

IN NEW YORK.

YOU SAY, "EXCUSE ME.

WHERE'S THE HOSPITAL?"

"WHAT ARE YOU, SICK?"

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW, DOWN WHERE I'M FROM,

IT'S LIKE, "EXCUSE ME.

WHERE'S THE HOSPITAL?"

"WELL, YOU'RE GONNA GET IN

THE CAR AND GONNA DRIVE ABOUT

45 OR 50-- HOW FAR?

EARL!

HOW FAR IS HE GONNA GO?!

TO THE HOSPITAL!

(LAUGHTER)

THE HOSPITAL!

'BOUT 45 MINUTES DOWN TO WHERE

THE WATER TOWER USED TO BE.

(APPLAUSE)

THEN YOU'RE GONNA TURN--

LEFT OR RIGHT?

EARL!

WELL, ASK YOUR WIFE!

PEARL!

(LAUGHTER)

WOULD YOU HURRY UP?

HE'S BLEEDING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED

TO HIM.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

HE GOT STABBED!

STABBED!

YOU DID?

I'D GO TO THE HOSPITAL IF

I WERE YOU."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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