Brent Morin - Meeting Bradley Cooper & Women Are the Meanest

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 11/07/2013
  • Views: 3,030

Brent Morin has experienced awkward goodbyes with both women and Bradley Cooper. (2:38)

IN MY LIFE IS--I MET BRADLEY COOPER ONCE,

AND HE WAS A SUPER HOT,NICE GUY.

I DON'T KNOW WHYI SAID "HOT."

[cheering]

WHATEVER, I'M NOT GAY.I'M NOT GAY.

IT'S OKAY IF YOU'RE GAY.I'M NOT.

HE'S--LOOK, IF HE COMMITTEDA CRIME AND I WITNESSED IT

AND HE FLED THE SCENE, THE COP'SLIKE, "CAN YOU DESCRIBE HIM?"

I'D BE LIKE, "UH, 6'3",BUILT LIKE A GOD.

"JUST TAN--GOOD TAN,GREAT SHOULDERS.

"HE'S GOT THOSE 'Vs.'

YOU KNOW THOSE 'Vs'THAT ARE HARD TO GET?"

"SO HE WASN'T WEARINGA SHIRT?"

"NO, HE WAS WEARING A SHIRT,BUT YOU COULD TELL

HE HAD THE 'Vs.'"UH--[laughs]

I'M NOT GAY, BUT IF HE WAS GAYAND HE KISSED ME,

I'D WAIT LIKE THREE SECONDSBEFORE I WAS LIKE,

"NO, NO, NO,WE CAN'T DO THIS."

[laughs]

BUT ANYWAY, HE--I MET HIM,AND HE WAS SUPER NICE.

HE WAS SAYING HI TO EVERYONE,AND HE COMES UP TO ME

AND HE GOES, "HEY, MAN,HAVE A GOOD NIGHT."

AND HE SHAKES MY HAND.I WAS LIKE, "WHAT A NICE GUY."

BUT HERE'S WHAT I SAID: HE GOES,"HEY, MAN, HAVE A GOOD NIGHT,"

I WAS LIKE,"ALL RIGHT, NIGHT NIGHT."

"NIGHT NIGHT."TO BRADLEY COOPER.

LIKE, WHAT AM I,A MOTHER?

WHY WOULD I EVER SAY"NIGHT NIGHT"?

YOU'RE EITHER A MOTHEROR WILLY WONKA.

THOSE ARE THE ONLY REASONS.

LIKE, MY HEART WAS SWEATING.YOU EVER HAVE YOUR HEART SWEAT?

LIKE,YOU'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND YOU CALL YOUR TEACHER "MOM"FOR NO REASON.

ANYBODY ELSEEVER DO THAT?

AM I THE ONLY ONEWHO GOT CAUGHT OFF-GUARD?

LIKE, "HEY, BRENT.""HEY, MOM.

NOOO!MIKE, THE CAR!"

"I CAN'T DRIVE.""WELL, GET THE BIKE.

I'M ON THE PEGS.WE'RE NOT GRADUATING."

[cheers and applause]

AND I HATE IT, I HATE IT,BECAUSE THEN I GOTTA GO OUT

AND I GOTTA FLIRT,AND I GOTTA GET DRUNK TO DO IT,

BECAUSE YOU GIRLS ARE MEAN.YOU'RE SO MEAN.

YOU'RE THE MEANEST PEOPLE.YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL,

BUT YOU'RE SO MUCH--GIRLS ARE MEANER THAN MEN,

BECAUSE WOMEN WILL TURN YOU DOWNRIGHT AWAY.

GUYS WON'T DO THAT.I MIGHT LEAVE YOU

IN A PARKING LOTAT 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOWHOW TO SAY NO,

BUT I WON'T TURN YOU DOWN.WOMEN WILL TURN YOU DOWN

AND THEN SAY THINGS YOU DIDN'TNEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF.

JUST SAY NO.YOU ALREADY WON.

LIKE, I'LL BE AT A BARAND SEE A GIRL, I'M LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT'S UP?"SHE'S LIKE, "EW, YOU'RE WEIRD.

"DON'T TOUCH ME.YOU HAVE A HORRIBLE BODY.

"YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE BODY.

"YOU'RE REALLY GONNA TOUCH MYOUR BODY PUSHES IN.

"YOU HAVE A PILLOW BODY.

"IT STAYS PUSHED IN.YOU HAVE A TEMPUR-PEDIC BODY.

"THAT'S YOU HAVE--YOU HAVEA TEMPUR-PEDIC BODY.

"YOUR KNEES ARE INDENTED.

"YOU KNOW YOU HAVEINDENTED KNEES?

"WHAT ARE YOU, A RAPTOR?YOU'RE GONNA JUMP UP

"AND GRAB SOME THINGS?IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO?

"YOU LOOK LIKE A LAVA LAMP.THAT'S WHAT IT IS, DUMB DUMB.

"DON'T MOVE, JUST A SEC,MY FRIENDS NEED TO SEE THIS.

"AMANDA, DAVID--HE'S GAY.KRISTIN, COME HERE!

"NO, COME HERE, LOOK AT THIS.LOOK AT THE BODY.

PUSH THE BODY IN, KRISTIN.WHAT IS THAT?"

"PILLOW BODY.""THANK YOU, KRISTIN, LOVE YOU.

LOOK AT THE KNEES.LOOK AT THE KNEES."

"RAPTOR.""THANK YOU, MICHELLE.

LOOK AT THE FACE.""LAVA LAMP."

"THANK YOU, DAVID.THAT'S WHY WE HAVE A GAY.

NOW, GO DRINKAND SEE WHAT HAPPENS."

[cheers and applause]

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