Louis C.K. - Nature Documentaries

Butler, Behrendt, Louis C.K. Season 2, Ep 0205 05/26/1993 Views: 24,217

Louis C.K. shares his frustrations with nature documentaries and describes an uncomfortable encounter with a cop. (2:41)

I have diarrhea.

[laughter]

-I'm not sick.

I have a gallon of itin my refrigerator.

It's a little different.

I.

[audience groans]

[laughter]

-You've made me very happy.

[laughter]

-I was watching one ofthose nature documentaries.

You ever watch the animal shows?

I like those shows.

-I think the narrator,though, starts getting bored.

He starts making stuff up.

You ever get that feeling?

[laughter]

-Bunch of lions hanging out.

He's got a whole sagawritten about it, you know.

(COMMANDING VOICE) Andthe lion tells the lioness

that they must move tothe next watering hole,

because the dryseason is approaching

and the young must be protected.

[laughter]

-He is the leader of the packbut he's getting old now.

So- (REGULAR VOICE) I thinkhe's just smelling her ass.

That's all I can see.

[laughter]

-Where you getting all this?

[laughter]

[applause]

-So.

[laughs] I gotarrested last week.

I was in jail becauseI was speeding

and I don't have a license.

[laughter]

-Never had a license in my life.

So when I get pulledover for anything,

I go to jail automatically.

[laughter]

-So I had to go to jail,Jersey City County Jail.

I had to bestrip-searched, stand

there naked in front of a cop.

Very humiliating.

You can't be at more of adisadvantage with somebody

than if you're nakedand they have a gun,

you know what I'm saying?

[laughter]

-Standing there,and he looks at me,

and he goes, (LOUD VOICE) allright, lift your testicles.

[laughter]

-I was, like, well,can I use my hands?

[laughter]

[applause]

-Or do you just wantme to go, (HUMS LOUDLY)

[laughter]

-Rise, testicles.

[laughter]

-Rise on my command.

[laughter]

-I'd like to do someimpressions for you before I go.

This first one, this is myimpression of a very paranoid

guy calling a woman for a date.

A very paranoid guycalling a woman for a date.

-Hello, Lisa?

You wanna go to a movie?

[laughter]

-All right, 10 o'clock.

Meet me at thetheater and no cops.

[laughter]

-All right, now is myimpression of a superhero

being propositioned by a hooker.

A superhero beingpropositioned by a hooker.

-Whoops.

[laughs]

[laughter]

-This is a superhero beingpropositioned by a hooker.

Hey baby, want tohave a good time?

(COMMANDING VOICE) No.

[laughter]

-All right, now this is.

[laughter]

[applause]

-This is a weddingin the year 2000.

A wedding in the year 2000Do you take this woman

to be your lawfullywedded bride?

If yes, press one.

[laughter]