Demetri Martin - Findings

Demetri Martin. Person. Season 1, Ep 101 01/13/2007 Views: 139,920

Demetri Martin shares some data he's collected on Hummer owners, people in glass houses throwing stones and the best shape for a state. (6:41)

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ON THIS PAD, I HAVE DATA FROM THE LAST YEAR.

THESE ARE FINDINGS.

SO I'D LIKE TO GET INTO THAT.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

OKAY. I'M GONNA START WITH A SIMPLE CHART.

OKAY, THIS IS PRETTY SIMPLE.

THIS IS HOW SHORT THE PERSON IS VERSUS HOW DRUNK THE PERSON IS.

AND THIS LINE IS HOW FUNNY IT IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU SEE, THE SHORTER AND MORE DRUNK THE PERSON IS,

THE FUNNIER IT IS.

THIS UP HERE WOULD BE LIKE A MIDGET OR A SMALL CHILD

WHO'S VERY DRUNK.

HERE, THIS GUY'S 6 FOOT, AND HE'S JUST BUZZING.

IT'S LIKE, "NO, NOT SO MUCH."

BUT HERE, WE HAVE A DWARF

WHO'S ABOUT TO TAKE A DIVE OFF A CHAIR.

"CAN I GET THIS MAN ANOTHER SHOT,

MAYBE SOME WHISKEY IN A THIMBLE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY, BREAKDOWNOF HUMMER OWNERS.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

TOUGH GUYS COME IN AT 43% OF THE OWNERS.

PRICKS ARE 27%.

DOUCHE BAGS ARE 15%.

NOW, DILDOES ARE ALMOST 15% -- AND THIS IS INTERESTING

'CAUSE I NEVER HAD TO PLURALIZE "DILDO" BEFORE.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S RIGHT.IT LOOKS LIKE "DIL DOES."

AND I HOPEI NEVER HAVE TO AGAIN...

LIKE IN A DEPOSITION OR SOMETHING.

"HOW MANY DILDOES WERE THERE?"

"I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M SORE AND I WANT TO GO HOME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"HOW FUNNY I FIND FARTS BY LOCATION."

SCHOOL IS PRETTY FUNNY. CHURCH IS FUNNIER.

MY FACE ISN'T FUNNY AT ALL.THAT'S NEGATIVE.

MY BROTHER'S FACE IS OFF THE CHARTS, THOUGH.

SCUBA -- I'M NOT SURE.

IT DEPENDS.

LIKE, IF YOU CAN SEE THE BUBBLESCOME OUT OF THE WET SUIT,

THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY. IT'S LIKE, "HA, HA!

"WE HAVE A MAN PUNISHING FISH OVER IN THE DISTANCE.

VERY NICE."

ACTUALLY, IT'S PROBABLY FUNNIER

IF YOU CAN'T SEE THE BUBBLES COME OUT,

'CAUSE YOU SEE A GUY SWIMMING,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN HE JUST STARTS TO STRUGGLE

IN HIS OWN AIR SUPPLY.

"MUST STOP FARTING INTO OWN...NOSTRILS!

NEVER -- TACOS BEFORE SCUBA!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

FLOW CHART OF CLOWNS.

CIRCUS -- ANNOYING. BIRTHDAY CLOWNS -- SAD.

ONE THAT'S JUST AROUND IS CREEPY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IF ANY OF THEM GET HURT, IT'S FUNNY.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE'S A SAYING THAT GOES,

"PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSESSHOULDN'T THROW STONES."

OKAY.

HOW ABOUT, "NOBODY SHOULD THROW STONES"?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S CRAPPY BEHAVIOR.

MY POLICY IS "NO STONE-THROWING

REGARDLESS OF HOUSING SITUATION."

DON'T DO IT.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE IS ONE EXCEPTION, THOUGH.

IF YOU'RE TRAPPED IN A GLASS HOUSE...

AND YOU HAVE A STONE, THEN THROW IT!

WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT?

SO REALLY, IT'S, "ONLY PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES

"SHOULD THROW STONES...

PROVIDED THEY ARE TRAPPED IN THE HOUSE WITH THE STONES."

IT'S A LITTLE LONGER, BUT YOU KNOW.

PONYTAIL LOCATIONS. OKAY.

PONY'S ASS -- OKAY.

BACK OF MY DAD'S FRIEND'S HEAD -- NOT OKAY...

MOSTLY 'CAUSE OF THIS AREA RIGHT HERE.

THIS ISN'T HELPING THIS.THAT'S NOT GOOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS A PIE CHART ABOUT PROCRASTINATION.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERING ]

OKAY, THIS IS VERY AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL.

THIS IS THE CUTENESS OF THE GIRL VERSUS HOW INTERESTED I AM

IN HEARING ABOUT HOW INTUITIVE HER CAT IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SEE, THE CUTER THE GIRL IS,

THE MORE I'M WILLING TO HEAR -- "HE'S VERY INTUITIVE."

BUT YOU'LL NOTICE AT A CERTAIN POINT,

I DON'T CARE HOW CUTE YOU ARE.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR [BLEEP] CAT ANYMORE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERING ]

I HATE YOUR CAT.

WHEN YOU LEAVE THE ROOM,I TRY TO GET IT.

THIS IS MY ABILITY TO DRAW MOUNTAINS OVER TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LEARNED SOMETHING ON THE ROAD, TRAVELING AROUND --

STATE SHAPES.

THE EASIER IT IS TO DRAW THE SHAPE OF THE STATE,

THE HARDER IT IS TO LIVE IN THAT STATE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO IF YOU LIVE IN A REGULAR POLYGON,

GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

YOU'VE GOT TO MOVE TO A SQUIGGLY AREA.

CULTURE IS ATTRACTED TO SQUIGGLES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THOSE WHO SEE THE GLASS HALF FULL ARE CONSIDERED OPTIMISTS.

YEAH, BUT SHOULDN'T WE BE MORE SPECIFIC

ABOUT THE CONTENTS OF THE GLASS?

IF IT'S A GLASS OF [BLEEP] I'M GOING HALF EMPTY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T LIKE [BLEEP]

AS AN OPTIMIST, THERE'SA HALF-EMPTY [BLEEP] GLASS HERE,

SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

BABY BLOOD, THAT'S EVEN MORE COMPLICATED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IS THIS BLOOD GOING TO A BABY OR COMING FROM A BABY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF IT'S TO A BABY, YEAH,

WE GOT A HALF-FULL GLASS OF BABY BLOOD HERE.

IT'S GONNA BE FINE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

FROM THE BABY, OKAY, HOLD ON.

IT'S A HALF-EMPTYBABY-BLOOD GLASS.

DON'T ASK ME WHY HE COLLECTED THE BLOOD IN A GLASS.

JUST LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING.

FINALLY, PILLOW FIGHTS.

OKAY, MAN vs. WOMAN -- FUN.

MAN vs. MAN -- GAY.

WOMAN vs. WOMAN -- AWESOME.

MAN vs. PILLOW -- CRAZY.

PILLOW vs. PILLOW -- CRAZY AWESOME.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S A REAL PILLOW FIGHT RIGHT THERE.

IF YOU SEE TWO PILLOWS FIGHTING,YOU KNOW SOMETHING'S GOING DOWN.

THEY'RE DESIGNED FOR RELAXATION.

IF THEY'RE FIGHTING, WHAT HOPE DO WE HAVE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

ONE TIME,I SAW TWO GEESE FIGHTING,

AND I WAS LIKE, "THIS IS A PILLOW FIGHT AHEAD OF TIME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]