How we doing, New York?
Thank you very much.
I took kinesiology in,uh, college.
Which is a big word for gym,
if you're not sure what I'mtalking about.
And then I was a schoolteacher.
My first job, I couldn't geta job teaching phys ed,
so I lied, which backfired.
They made me teach 12th gradehistory, which was impossible.
I didn't even take12th grade history
when I was in high school.
So I had to go home every nightand read the chapters myself,
first, to learn everything.
Then I'd come in and teach it.
I'd even assign the homework,like this.
All right, tonight for homework,
I'd like you to read chaptersone to three, okay?
And then stop reading,all right?
Don't go reading ahead, comingin asking questions tomorrow.
Stuff I haven't learned yet.
'Cause that's whatthe smart kids would do.
This kid, Duncan, every day,
"Sir, what happenedto the Mayan civilization?"
"What chapter areyou on, Duncan?"
"What, are you a loser? You readthe whole book already?"
We can't say that.
So I had to lie--that's what teachers do.
Not a teacher in the world
admits they don't knowthe answer.
We turn it back on the kidswhen we don't know.
Oh, is that right, Duncan?
You think I'm just goingto spoon-feed you
the answers all year?
No, that's not how I teach.
So, thanks to Duncan,
I would like everybodyto go home tonight
and look up what happened
or whatever he's mumblingabout at the back.
I'd even have...
I'd even have Duncan come upand write the question
on the board in big letters.
Because I needed to seehow he spelled Mayan,
so I could Googleit later myself.
Thank God for Google
when you can't spell.
"Did you mean this word, idiot?"Yes.
Then I had to come in the nextday and take up the homework.
I still don't know whathappened to the Mayans.
All the dumb kids wantto answer.
I couldn't ask the dumb kids.
I don't know if their answeris right or wrong.
What am I going to say?
So I would ask the smartest kid,"Lorraine, you want to tell us
what happened tothe Mayan civilization?"
Then whatever she'd say,I'd vote.
"How many people agreewith that answer?"
I finally got to teach phys ed.
Thank God.That's all I knew.
My first year,I had a fifth grade class.
I hated this kid, Billy.
Can't hit 'em.
That's gone... you don't...
You do, there's days you feellike it, you can't.
Then I learned one day,I thought, you know what,
there's nothing that saysI can't hit 'em
if I play dodge ball with 'em.
And that's what I did,every day.
We'd use tennis balls, too,to speed it up a little bit.
Keep them in the staff roomfridge, in case it got hot.
And I would always pick teams.
They're like,"Can we have captains?"
No, no, no captains.I'm the captain for both teams.
Billy-- you're on that side,good luck.
I'm going to play again,
and I'm going to goon this side, okay?
The rest of you go whereverthe hell you want.
I don't carewhat you guys do.
You can go to the libraryfor all I care.
And I would do the same thing.
I'd always look forthe good tennis balls.
The ones that had the fuzz allshaved off, those were the best.
Because you could hear theleather when it hit 'em-- oh!
I got you rightin the face, Billy! Wow!
Where you going? Billy?Where you going?
No, no! You're not out!
It was above the neck,you're okay, come on back, yeah.
Anyway, you guys enjoythe rest of the show.
Thank you very much.