Bret Ernst - Kept His Word

  • Season 14 , Ep 17
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 25,761

Bret Ernst's gay older brother flew out of the womb and promised to never go back in there. (2:25)

THE WHOLE COUNTRY'SGOING TO HELL, MAN.

IT IS. YOU KNOW WHY?WE HAVE A TWO-PARTY SYSTEM.

YOU KNOW, I HATE REPUBLICANS,I HATE DEMOCRATS.

I HATE THEM BOTH.I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE, MAN.

I HATE THE RIGHT WING...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.YOU GUYS CAN CLAP.

[ APPLAUSE CONTINUES ]

NO, I HATETHE RIGHT-WING JERK-OFFS

THAT ALWAYS SAY STUPID STUFF,

LIKE, YOU KNOW,"PEOPLE CHOOSE TO BE GAY."

FIRST OFF, NO, THEY DON'T.ALL RIGHT?

THEY'RE BORN THAT WAY.I GOT A GAY OLDER BROTHER.

THAT BITCH WAS DIFFERENTFROM DAY ONE.

ALL RIGHT?NO, I'M TELLING YOU!

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NO, I'M SERIOUS --MY BROTHER FLEW OUT OF THE WOMB.

♪ W-A-A-A-A-A!

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

HE'S LIKE [ Lisping ]"THIS PLACENTA'S DISGUSTING."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"I'M NEVER GOING BACK IN THERE."

[ Normal voice ]AND HE DIDN'T!

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE KEPT HIS WORD.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU EVER SEE, LIKE,PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE --

YOU KNOW WHO I HATE THE MOST,TO BE HONEST WITH YOU?

PEOPLE WHO CRAP ON RELIGIONALL THE TIME

WITH THEIR PSEUDO-FACTS.

"MORE PEOPLE DIE IN THE NAMEOF RELIGION THAN ANYTHING."

THAT'S NOT TRUE, ALL RIGHT?I GOOGLED IT.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

NO, ACTUALLY,IT WAS ABOUT 50,000 TO 100,000

THEY ESTIMATED DIEDDURING THE RELIGIOUS CRUSADES.

BUT IN THE 20th CENTURY,ATHEISTS WERE RESPONSIBLE

FOR OVER 300 MILLION DEATHSOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

THE POINT IS,USE YOUR OWN LOGIC, ALL RIGHT?

EVERY JEW, EVERY CHRISTIAN,

EVERY MUSLIM I KNOWIS PRETTY COOL.

EVERY ATHEIST I KNOWIS A SMUG DICKHEAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO, YOU EVER TALK TO THEM?

THEY ALWAYS ACT LIKETHEY'RE SMARTER THAN EVERYBODY.

LIKE, "RELIGION WAS CREATEDTO PACIFY THE STUPID."

REALLY? YOU KNOW HOW MANYAWESOME PEOPLE ARE RELIGIOUS?

WHAT, DR. KING?WHAT, WAS HE A JERK-OFF?

MOTHER TERESA -- WHAT A MORON.

GANDHI.

RELIGIOUS -- THAT RABBI GUYTHAT SINGS REGGAE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT GUY'S AWESOME!

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I'M SICKOF THIS AMERICAN-BASHING, TOO.

IT HAS TO STOP.ALL RIGHT?

OPEN A HISTORY BOOK.ALL RIGHT?

EVERYBODY LIKES TO BLAME AMERICAFOR EVERYTHING.

WHAT ARE WE --ONLY 233 YEARS OLD?

THESE OTHER COUNTRIESARE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD.

NOT ONLYDID THEY NOT GET IT RIGHT,

BUT A LOT OF TIMES, THEYSCREW UP AND ASK US FOR HELP.

THAT'S LIKE A 90-YEAR-OLD MANASKING A 2-YEAR-OLD FOR ADVICE.

YOU KNOW?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"HOW DO I STOPPISSING IN MY PANTS?"

"I DON'T KNOW, DUDE.WE JUST FIGURED IT OUT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

DON'T HATE THE PLAYER.HATE THE GAME.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT I CAN SEE WHYOTHER COUNTRIES DON'T LIKE US.

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