Greg Proops - Other Countries

CC Presents: Greg Proops Season 2, Ep 5 06/18/1999 Views: 4,143

Australia is like Arkansas with a beach. (3:02)

CAN WE AGREE ON THAT?

( applause )

YEAH?

NOT A GROUNDSWELL OF SUPPORT

FOR THAT, BUT ALL RIGHT.

"NO, WE WORKJUST HARD ENOUGH, GREG."

HARDER THANEVERYONE ELSE, RIGHT?

40 HOURS OR MORE A WEEK,TWO WEEKS VACATION A YEAR.

ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIESIN THE WORLD, IN THE G-7

THEY GET FOUR WEEKS.

"I DID NOT KNOW THAT."

"WELL, NOW YOU DO."

THE JAPANESE-- THEY MIGHT WORKHARDER THAN US, RIGHT?

DIE IN FRONTOF THEIR TELEVISION SET

OF CORONARY THROMBOSISWHEN THEY'RE, LIKE, FOUR...

BEEN SINGINGTHE CORPORATE ANTHEM

SINCE THEY WERE A ZYGOTE.

( laughing )

WE WORK SO HARD, MAN,AND FOR VERY LOW.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER BEENTO, LIKE, SPAIN OR ITALY

BUT IT DOESN'T BREAK DOWNTHAT WAY.

IN SPAIN OR ITALY,1:00 ROLLS AROUND

WORK STOPS.

Woman:YAY!

EVERYONE GOES TO BED.THEY GET UP.

THEY DRINK WINE

THEY GET UP IN THE MORNINGAND THEY LOOK FABULOUS.

HOW DID WE MISS OUT ON THAT?

HOW COME WE GOT THE GRUBBY BOATOF BANDY-LEGGED PURITANS?

HOW COME WE DIDN'T GETTHE ITALIAN PARTY BOAT

WITH THE CAPPUCCINO MAKERAND THE GELATO MACHINE?

THAT WAS THE SEXY BOAT, MAN.

THOSE GUYS HAVEA MILLION SAINTS.

THERE'D BE A HOLIDAYEVERY OTHER DAY.

WE'D NEVER WORK!

( Italian accent ):"1:00-- I GO TO BED NOW.

"THEN, I GET UP,I DRINK WINE, I MAKE LOVE...

"I GET UP IN THE MORNING,I HAVE STRONG COFFEE.

"I LOOK VERY SEXY IN MY SUIT.

"BEEP-BEEP-BEEP,GET OUT OF MY WAY.

"I DO NOT USE MY BRAKESIN MY SPORTS CAR.

"BEEP-BEEP-BEEP.

LA DOLCE VITA, BAMBINA."

'CAUSE I'M ALWAYS LOOKINGFOR THAT PLACE, YOU KNOW?

WHERE THERE'S NO REDNECKS

THAT PLACEWHERE PEOPLE GET ALONG

AND I NEVER FIND IT.

I WENT TO AUSTRALIA, RIGHT?

AND I THOUGHT AUSTRALIAWAS GOING

TO BE A GROOVY, SURFNOID

SMOKE-A-JOINT, WOMBAT,YOU KNOW...

( Australian accent ):"G'DAY, MATE.

NO WORRIES," YOU KNOW...

AND IT'S LIKE ARKANSASWITH A BEACH.

IT'S A WHOLE COUNTRY WITHA "NO FAT CHICKS" STICKER ON IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

"SHORT ON THE TOP,LONG IN THE BACK.

SETS OFF MY GOLD CHAIN."

( goofy laugh )

AND AUSTRALIANS, THEY HATE...THEY HATE...

WELL, THEY HATE ENGLISH PEOPLE,BUT THAT'S GENETIC MEMORY.

THEY HATE AMERICANS AND THEY...WHICH BLEW MY MIND.

THEY BLAME US FOR STUFF

THAT I DIDN'T KNOWWE WERE ON THE HOOK FOR.

I HAD AN AUSTRALIAN GUY TELL ME

( Australian accent ):"LISTEN, MATE

WE DIDN'T HAVE CRIMETILL AMERICA."

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE CRIME?"

LOGIC TRAIN!

( imitates train passing )