Sarah Colonna - DUI Device

Soto, Colonna, Heffron, Harris Season 4, Ep 0412 02/10/2001 Views: 3,542

Sarah isn't perfect. (2:22)

YOU HAVING FUN SO FAR?

ISN'T THIS FUN?

ALL RIGHT!

YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT AFTERWARDS,

HAVE SOME DRINKS, SO IF YOU GET

BEHIND THE WHEEL OF YOUR CAR...

ALL RIGHT!

GREAT!

THAT'S FABULOUS!

GREAT.

A FRIEND OF MINE JUST GOT A DUI,

THAT'S WHY I BRING THIS UP,

AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD

WHAT THEY'RE DOING NOW,

BUT THEY'RE REALLY CRACKING

DOWN.

THEY PUT THIS DEVICE ON YOUR CAR

NOW, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?

YOU HAVE TO BREATHE INTO IT,

AND IF IT DETECTS ALCOHOL ON

YOUR BREATH, YOUR CAR DOESN'T

START.

IT'S VERY BIZARRE, I THINK,

BUT IT'S QUITE A LITTLE OBJECT,

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I THINK I COULD REALLY

USE ONE OF THOSE FOR SOMETHING

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,

MY TELEPHONE.

YOU KNOW?

SO THAT WHEN I GET HOME AT 3:00

IN THE MORNING AND, UH,

I GO TO PICK UP ON THE PHONE AND

IT DETECTS ALCOHOL ON MY BREATH,

IT JUST SHUTS OFF, YOU KNOW,

BEFORE I CALL EVERY MAN THAT

I'VE EVER MET.

GOD!

IT IS GETTING OUT OF HAND!

SO I HAVE SOMETHING THAT

I DISCOVERED TODAY THAT KINDA

SHOCKED ME.

HOLD ON TO YOUR SEATS, FOLKS.

UH, I'M NOT PERFECT.

YEAH.

I DISCOVERED THIS, YOU KNOW,

I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR SO

LONG THAT I WAS SO BUSY POINTING

OUT HIS FAULTS, I DIDN'T REALLY

REALIZE I HAD ANY OF MY OWN.

BUT TODAY I FOUND OUT I AM

BROKE.

THAT SEEMS TO BE MY BIGGEST

PROBLEM.

LIKE I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY

MONEY.

AND I DON'T WANT A LOT,

YOU KNOW?

I DON'T WANT A LOT.

JUST A LITTLE.

TO AFFORD THOSE FINER THINGS

IN LIFE I SEE OTHER FOLKS HAVE.

PROBABLY LIKE YOU GUYS HAVE,

YOU KNOW, LIKE FOOD.

AND, UH, GAS FOR MY CAR SO I CAN

DRIVE IT AROUND LIKE TWICE MORE

BEFORE THEY REPOSSESS IT.

BRAND-NAME VODKA.

REALLY.

THAT'S ALL I WANT.

SO THEN YOU GET ALL DEPRESSED,

YOU KNOW, AND YOU WANT TO EAT.

BUT OUT HERE IN L.A., ISN'T

THERE-- WOMEN, ARE YOU WITH ME?

THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSURE

TO REMAIN THIN OUT HERE.

MEN JUST RUN AROUND LIKE,

"MMM, GIVE ME THEM LITTLE SKINNY

BITCHES!"

THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "AHH!"

(LAUGHTER)

THEY JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK

HUNGRY, YOU KNOW?

AND I CAN'T DIET LIKE A NORMAL

PERSON, YOU KNOW!

I HAVE TO EAT-- SO WHAT I DO

WHEN I WANT TO DIET, I GO ON

THOSE DIET SHAKE DRINK THINGS,

YOU KNOW?

YOU DRINK LIKE THREE OF THEM

A DAY OR WHATEVER.

AND I TELL YOU WHAT.

THEY TOTALLY WORK.

IF YOU HAVEN'T TRIED IT, TRY IT.

THEY TOTALLY WORK.

YOU LOSE WEIGHT ON THEM.

YOU DO PUKE BLOOD DURING

THE FIRST SIX MONTHS, BUT ONCE

THE INITIAL SHOCK WEARS OFF IT'S

REALLY NOT THAT BAD, YOU KNOW.

YOU GET USED TO IT.

AND THEN THE TASTE KINDA GETS

OLD AFTER AWHILE, TOO.

BUT I'M KINDA CREATIVE WITH IT,

SO I'VE JUST STARTED SORT OF

CHASING MINE WITH A LITTLE VODKA

AND THAT'S LIKE, "WHOO!

DRUNK AND SKINNY!"

YOU KNOW?

SO.