Louis C.K. - Doughnuts

Season 1, Ep 0112 05/22/1999 Views: 15,934

Louis C.K. can never resists a bag of delicious doughnuts, even though he always feels horrible afterwards. (3:21)

Hey, all right.

How you folks doin'?

Welcome to Louis C.K.'s

Filthy Stupid Talent Show.

Now let's bring out your host.

There he is.

It's Louis C.K.

>> Louis: Hey, yeah.

Hey, this is great.

[vaudeville-style piano music]

Thank you.

You guys are great.

Thank you.

>> Wow.

>> Louis: Thank you, Nixony,

thank you.

You guys look great.

You guys really look like a

great crowd.

Except for you, Sir.

I'm not crazy about you.

Seriously, I think you got--

you should go.

I'm kinda--

I'm being serious.

I'd like you to take your things

and get out.

Get the hell out.

I'm serious.

>> Good-bye.


>> Louis: All right, but

otherwise, you guys are great.

We're gonna have a great time.

Are you gonna have--

are you excited?

This is the Filthy Stupid

Talent Show, everybody.

All right.

Thanks, everybody.

Nice to see you all.

Say hello to Nixony the Cow,

my friend Nixony the Cow.

This is my pal.

>> How ya doin'?

What's up?

>> Louis: Hey, Nixony,

how you doin'?

>> Pretty good.

Glad you kicked that guy out.

>> Louis: Yeah, you didn't like

the look of him either?

>> Yeah, he was buggin' me.

>> Louis: Yeah, well,

how you doin' otherwise?

>> Ahh, all right.


>> Louis: Sheriff,

this is Sheriff John,

our musical director.

Give him a hand, Sheriff.


>> Howdy-doo-dah-doh,

all right.


[making pistol shot noises]

>> Louis: [blows on mic]

How you doin',

Sheriff John?

>> Well, I guess I'm doing

pretty diggity-dog-doo

all good time.

Oh, look out.

Here we go!

[making pistol shot noises]

>> Louis: [blowing on mic]

Wow, that sounds good.

Nixony, what'd you think of that

weather today?

>> Yeah, it was kind of cold.

>> Louis: You thought it was

pretty cold out?

>> I don't know.

It was all right.

So you know--

you know what I did today?

I bought a bag of donuts,

and I ate that [...], man.

I ate the whole bag,

and I felt horrible.

You know when eat donuts,

and you don't even want 'em?

I was, like, standing outside

the donut place goin',

"Ahhh, I'm gonna get donuts.

Damn it."

And they're, like, looking at me

through the window, just

standing there going,

"Ah, God, I gotta have some."

So I go in there, and I'm

eating 'em,

and I don't even like it,

and I'm just pushing 'em down

my throat, and I've got powder

on my face.

It was horrible.

And I don't care about the

weight, you know, I'm lucky.

I'm one of those people,

I can eat donuts, whatever,

and I just get fat.

You know, it's no problem.

But it makes me feel bad.

I just feel uggh.

And I can't not do it.

And, like, I'm married now,

and my friends'll say, like,

"Is it hard to be monogamous?

Does it take will power?"

No, I can do that.

That's easy, but I can't lay off

the donuts, see.

'Cause it's different.

See, for sex,

there's masturbating, right?

But for food, there's nothin'

like that, you know?

I can't, like, watch

The Food Network going,

"Oh, yeah, oh, oh.

Oh, pizza, yeah, you know."

>> You can't do that.

Look, I'm tryin'.



>> Louis: Nothing, right?

You're still hungry,

aren't ya?

>> You bet.

When I eat a lot of food,

my beard gets fat.

>> Louis: Your beard gets fat

when you eat a lot?

>> I get a fat beard.