Safety - Health Class 1231 A.D.

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 03/11/2009
  • Views: 53,216

Dark Age students learn about the birds and the bees and the witches. (2:28)

SETTLE DOWN.

SAFE SEX.

[giggling]

DURING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE,

THE MAN LIES DOWNWITH THE WOMAN

AND PUTS HIS MEMBER INSIDE HER.

[snickering]

A WITCH THEN CASTS A SPELL,

AND SOME TIME LATER, THE WOMANEMITS A SMALLER PERSON.

NOW, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

IF YOU DON'T WANT YOUR PARTNERTO BECOME PREGNANT, GENTLEMEN,

YOU HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLEAND TAKE THINGS SLOW.

SLOW:

"SMEAR LAMB'S BLOOD ON WINDOW."

THE LAMB'S BLOOD REPELSTHE WITCH.

WITCHES HATE LAMB'S BLOOD;THEY'RE ACTUALLY ALLERGIC TO IT.

THAT IS HOW YOU PREVENTTHE WITCH FROM CASTING THE SPELL

THAT MAKES THE WOMAN PREGNANT.

NOW, ANY QUESTIONS?GREGOR.

>> WHAT IF YOU'RE HAVINGSAFE SEX

AND THE WINDOW BREAKS?

>> YOU SHOULD STOP HAVING SEXIMMEDIATELY

AND LEAVE YOUR HOUSE, BECAUSETHERE'S A WITCH IN THERE.

NOW, I'M GIVING EACH OF YOUA SMALL VIAL OF LAMB'S BLOOD.

THIS IS CONTROVERSIAL,

BUT I'D RATHER YOU GET IT HERETHAN BE TOO EMBARRASSED

TO GO TO THE APOTHECARYAND GET IT.

>> I'M GOING TO NEEDA BIGGER VIAL.

[laughter]

>> VERY FUNNY.

YES.

>> I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT MY FATHER'S BEENTEACHING ME

ABOUT THE SPERM THEORY,AND I'M JUST WONDERING--

>> LET ME GUESS.

YOUR FATHER SAIDTHAT A WOMAN BECOMES PREGNANT

WHEN A MAN EJACULATES SPERMINTO HER BODY.

IS THAT RIGHT?

>> THAT'S EXACTLYWHAT HE SAID, YEAH.

>> RIGHT.

THIS IS FROM THE SAME MAN,IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,

WHO TOLD EVERYONE IN THE VILLAGETHAT PLAGUE IS CARRIED BY RATS.

[laughter]

OKAY.

HOW ABOUT WE LEAVETHE SCIENCE FICTION

TO SCIENCE FICTIONAND THE SCIENCE TO THE PRIESTS?

>> MY APOLOGIES.

>> WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,YOU COULD TELL YOUR DAD

THAT SPACE IS BULL[bleep].

ALL RIGHT.

REMEMBER,ALWAYS PRACTICE SAFE SEX.

LOOK AT THE NOTES I GAVE YOU.

IF IT'S THE SUMMER SOLSTICE,

SHE'S GOING TO GET PREGNANT.

IF YOU LIGHT A FIREAFTER MIDNIGHT,

SHE'S GOING TO GET PREGNANT.

IF A TOAD HAS CROSSEDTHE BED,

SHE'S GOING TO GET PREGNANT.

IF YOU HAVE SEXWITH AN OLDER WOMAN,

SOMEONE WHO'S OVER 16,

SHE'S PROBABLY GOINGTO GET PREGNANT.

IF YOU HAVE A SEX WITH A LAMB,THE LAMB WILL NOT GET PREGNANT.

THAT'S HOW WE LEARNEDTHAT LAMB'S BLOOD IS USEFUL.

IF YOU HAVE SEX ON A BOAT,YOU MIGHT DIE.

OKAY, I HOPESOME OF THIS SUNK IN.

IF YOU TAKE THESE PRECAUTIONS,

YOU CAN LIVE SAFEAND DISEASE FREE

AND WELL INTO YOUR 20s.

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