Michael Kosta - Shark Attack

  • Season 15 , Ep 2
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 5,496

Michael Kosta provides valuable advice about parking tickets and animal attacks. (2:20)

YOU, BUDDY, YOU GOTSOME PARKING TICKETS?

YEAH, LITTLE BIT-- SUCKS.

WHAT ABOUT YOU,ARGYLE SWEATER-- NO.

YOU SPEND ALL YOURMONEY ON A SWEATER,

YOU CAN'T--DON'T HAVE A CAR.

[audience laughing]

I USED TO GET PARKINGTICKETS-- NOT ANYMORE.

AND YOU DON'T HAVETO GET TICKETS, EITHER,

IF YOU DO WHATKOSTA DID.

I REMOVEDMY WINDSHIELD WIPERS.

WHERE YOU GONNA PUTTHE TICKET NOW, BITCH?

THAT'S WHAT I'MTALKING ABOUT, PEOPLE.

[audience laughing]

WHERE YOU GONNA PUTTHE TICKET NOW, BITCH?

[audience laughing]

ADVANTAGE, NO TICKETS--DISADVANTAGE, RAIN.

[audience laughing]

SHOULDA THOUGHTABOUT RAIN.

ALL THE MONEYI SAVED ON TICKETS,

NOW GOES TOCOLLISION REPAIR.

[audience laughing]

SHARK'S ATTACKING--WHAT DO YOU DO?

SHARK'S ATTACKING-- DEAD!

SHARK'S ATTACKING,WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHAT DO YOU DO-- DEAD!

SHARK'S ATTACKING,WHAT DO YOU DO?

DEAD-- JESUS CHRIST,YOU'RE ALL DEAD.

WHAT DO YOU DO--SHARK'S ATTACKING.

- PUNCH!- PUNCH IT WHERE?

IN THE EYE, NICE JOB,YOU'RE ALIVE.

DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!

YOU FEEL SAFEWITH THIS GUY?

YOU NEED A MAN WHO KNOWSHOW TO PROTECT YOU,

IF A SHARK ATTACKS.

DEAD.

NICE JOB, NICE JOB.

THERE'S NO CLAPPINGWHEN YOU'RE DEAD.

CAN'T PUT A PLAID SHIRTON IF YOU'RE A GHOST.

[audience laughing]

WAIT 'TIL YOU'RESWIMMING NEXT SUMMER

IN THE, UH, HUDSON RIVERAND A SHARK ATTACKS.

YOU PUNCH HIM INTHE EYES OR NOSE?

CROCODILE'S ATTACKING,WHAT DO YOU DO?

CROCODILE'S ATTACKING-- DEAD!

CROCODILE'S ATTACKING,WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHAT-- RUBHIS BELLY-- DEAD!

YOU'RE NICE,BUT IT'S DEAD.

YOU'RE A SWEETHEART--WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU-- DEAD.

YOU RUN IN[deleted] ZIGZAGS.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!

CROCODILES ATTACK QUICKLY.

THEY DON'T CHANGEDIRECTIONS QUICKLY.

IT'S NOT JUST JOKESALL THE TIME UP HERE.

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

YOU'RE ALL DEAD.

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