these billions of dollarson our elections,
and we are,
that cow has flown the coop.
If that's goingto keep happening,
then we deservemore entertainment back
for our money.
Those presidential debateslast time
were unbelievably boring.
And that's not okay,
considering how muchthey cost.
So I've actually come upwith a list
of potentialnew debate rules
that I think might justliven things up a little bit
in the election of 2016.
See what you think.
Rule number 1:
every time a candidate says"the American people,"
the other candidatehas to take a shot.
It might loosen them up a bit.
You really get to tellwhat someone's like
when they're completely[BLEEP] wasted.
Just leaning on the podium.
"I don't want to ask anyquestions about Afghanistan.
"Stop asking meabout Afghanistan.
"It's boring.
I-- I just wantto be president."
Rule number two:
there will be a three-minutehot-dog-eating round.
The winner gets an extrafive minutes to talk.
I think we all know,deep down,
there is only onescientific way to prove
who is the mostAmerican candidate,
and that is through masshot dog consumption.
How much do you wantto be president?
Do you want it enoughthat you're willing to dip
your hot dog in water
and shove it into your facechestnut-style?
Because if not,
are you the kind of presidentthat America needs right now?
Rule number three:
if a candidate says"Ronald Reagan" 10 times
during a single debate,
they should geta free sandwich.
Because it's not easyto get into double figures
without startingto sound sarcastic.
And finally,halfway through the debate,
a live chicken shouldbe released onto the stage.
The candidate who catchesthat chicken
wins Virginia.
Those are just ideas.
Those are justgood ideas.