Mr. Bobby Lee,everybody!
I used to be on a showcalled MADtv.
[cheers and applause]
It was kind of like SNL but for Mexicans.
12 Mexicanswatched that show,
so if you're a fan, Hola, que tal?
So I was really excitedgetting booked on a TV show
because I'm a fatethnic guy, right?
I didn't thinkthat could happen,
and so maybe I'll get laid.
You know, who knows?You know?
So I show up to MADtv, and they didn't use me at all.
I'd play, like,Chinese Waiter Number Two.
They gave me one word to say,like, "Hello."
"Cut.Bobby, you're a wrap."
"Thank you so much.I'm gonna kill myself."
So over the months,I developed an eating disorder.
I couldn't stopeating Vicodin.
That shit is delicious.
And it started outwith, like, five a day, right?
I eventually took 40 a day,and I'm a small dude,
and the reasonwhy it didn't kill me,
because Asiansare evolved.
We have a stronger corethan all of you,
and we're smarter.
I've never met an Asian guywith Downs Syndrome,
but if I did, I bet you moneyhe's just as smart
as the average white guy.
Instead of straight As,he gets straight Bs.
He only knowsone instrument.
40 a day, and, you know,it was a disease,
and it got worseand worse.
Like, we would have table readsat 9:00 in the morning,
right, on Fox,
and I'd be in a strip clubin Tijuana,
like, onstage dancing like--
And so afterabout two years of this,
they--like,it drove them crazy, right,
so they gave me an intervention,right, which they're nice.
They're nice,good people, right?
So I sat in an office.
They say, "You're doingtoo many drugs,
"and we want you to stop,
"and we'll give youone more shot.
"And we wrote youa Connie Chung sketch.
Can you do it?"I go, "[bleep] yeah.
I'm gonna [bleep] do it."
So that wason a Wednesday.
On a Thursday, a comedianby the name of Duncan Trussell--
he's very talented--came to my house.
Yeah, he's very talented.
He took all my Vicodinand just ran away.
What an ass[bleep].
And so all was finefor about five minutes,
but then all of a sudden,I got the shakes for 12 hours.
So on Friday, I show up,and I'm shaking,
but in front of the producers,I'm fine.
My face--completely fine,because I'm a good actor.
Would you not agree?Yeah.
So I'm in makeup, right?And I'm sitting in makeup.
And I'm sweating so badthe Connie Chung makeup
is dripping off my face.
So I'm sitting there,and all of a sudden,
I hear a noisein my stomach.
It went like this.
And then I told the makeup--"No, I just ate a banana.
I'm really hungry,you know?"
But it was really the Vicodin,the detox, right?
So I show up onstage.There's 400 people.
I'm sitting therewith the Connie Chung.
Now, I have three pagesof dialogue
I was supposed to memorize.
I knew six words,all right?
So I hear this:
"Five, four, three,two, one, action."
I said, "Good evening.I'm Connie Chung,"
and then I shit my pants.
Down my stockings.
The audience went...
Which is what you dowhen somebody shits their pants.
And I knewright then and there
my career was over.
From one night,it's over.
Ten years of hard work, okay?
But I was fine with it,'cause I wanted to get sober.
The producer Dick came upand goes,
"Pack your stuff,"so I went to the dressing room.
I packed all my stuff.
I was literally crying,and I was so sick, guys.
I was about to die.
And I went to a rehabthe next day,
and then a coupleof months later,
they found outthat I was sober, right,
so they hired me backon the show.
And I stayed on the show--thank you--
for six more years,
and I just celebrated12 years of sobriety.
Clap your [bleep] hands.Clap your hands.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you so much, guys.Thank you so much.