Kyle Kinane - Ramblin' Gamblin' Man

Kyle Kinane Season 15, Ep 10 02/25/2011 Views: 22,776

Kyle Kinane lists the signs that might make his drinking hobby a drinking problem. (2:00)

Uh, in recent memory,

I have nearly over-dosedon mail order Viagra.

- Woo!

- Because I was trying to keepup sexually with a woman

that like for me to wear abicycle helmet in the bedroom.

What for--To punch at.

And fiveWednesdays ago,

I got so drunk inChattanooga, Tennessee

that I left that citywith a tattoo of Jesus

with the words,"ramblin' gamblin' man"

written underneath it.

[audience laughter]

You guys wannahang out.

- Yeah.

- All right.

I, uh, really at this age,uh, it's really not a hobby,

it's just a drinkingproblem now.

I don't like-- I don't liketo address these things,

but there's signs, like,really like a couple weeks ago,

I pretended to take a cellphone call so I could go vomit.


[audience laughter]

The thing is,I didn't tell

the group of peopleI was with.

I wasn't,like, discreet.

I didn't just tell them,like, "oh, I'll be right back.

I gotta godo a thing."

No-- what I did is thatI just stood by friends,

took out my phone, looked atit, said this is important,

held it to my ear, and then,just barfed right there.

[audience laughter]

That's-that's not howyou create an illusion.

That's not howyou trick people,

but I'm notCriss Angel.

I do not possess theskills to mindfreak you.

[audience laughter]

And that's only second--That's only second place

in the all timegreatest standards

in me trying tocover up my disease.

Uh, the best wasa New Year's Eve

where I made itto number three

in the count-downof New Year's Eve

before I sunfloweredan entire bar.

Now, I don't know if youknow what sunflowering is.

Basically, where youare about to be sick,

then, uh, you decidethat you're going to stop

the unstoppable by puttingyour hand over your mouth.

[audience laughter]

Which-which as we allknow, always works.

Doesn't italways work?

I don't feelgood... burppp.

Oh, he doesn'twanna barf.

Okay-- let'sjust calm down.

No... no,all your doing

is your just taking what shouldbe a uni-directional insult

to whoever's rightin front of you

and then, just turning intothis pinwheel of disaster

for everyonearound you.

It's a thumb on a gardenhose-- That's all it is.

I don't feelgood-- BLAH!

I'm sorryeveryone here.

[audience laughter]

Oh, Jesus Christ--