Uh, in recent memory,
I have nearly over-dosedon mail order Viagra.
- Because I was trying to keepup sexually with a woman
that like for me to wear abicycle helmet in the bedroom.
What for--To punch at.
And fiveWednesdays ago,
I got so drunk inChattanooga, Tennessee
that I left that citywith a tattoo of Jesus
with the words,"ramblin' gamblin' man"
written underneath it.
You guys wannahang out.
- All right.
I, uh, really at this age,uh, it's really not a hobby,
it's just a drinkingproblem now.
I don't like-- I don't liketo address these things,
but there's signs, like,really like a couple weeks ago,
I pretended to take a cellphone call so I could go vomit.
The thing is,I didn't tell
the group of peopleI was with.
I wasn't,like, discreet.
I didn't just tell them,like, "oh, I'll be right back.
I gotta godo a thing."
No-- what I did is thatI just stood by friends,
took out my phone, looked atit, said this is important,
held it to my ear, and then,just barfed right there.
That's-that's not howyou create an illusion.
That's not howyou trick people,
but I'm notCriss Angel.
I do not possess theskills to mindfreak you.
And that's only second--That's only second place
in the all timegreatest standards
in me trying tocover up my disease.
Uh, the best wasa New Year's Eve
where I made itto number three
in the count-downof New Year's Eve
before I sunfloweredan entire bar.
Now, I don't know if youknow what sunflowering is.
Basically, where youare about to be sick,
then, uh, you decidethat you're going to stop
the unstoppable by puttingyour hand over your mouth.
Which-which as we allknow, always works.
Doesn't italways work?
I don't feelgood... burppp.
Oh, he doesn'twanna barf.
Okay-- let'sjust calm down.
No... no,all your doing
is your just taking what shouldbe a uni-directional insult
to whoever's rightin front of you
and then, just turning intothis pinwheel of disaster
for everyonearound you.
It's a thumb on a gardenhose-- That's all it is.
I don't feelgood-- BLAH!
I'm sorryeveryone here.
Oh, Jesus Christ--