Les Measlesrables

February 3, 2015 - Bill Browder 02/03/2015 Views: 397,687

After a certain subset of the U.S. population refuses to vaccinate their kids, measles makes an unexpected resurgence. (9:44)

>> Jon: WELCOME TO "THE DAILYSHOW"!

WE'VE GOT A SHOW, MY GUESTTONIGHT, WE'VE GOT A GOOD ONE,

MY GUEST TONIGHT, BILL BROWDERAUTHOR OF THE BOOK CALLED

"RED NOTICE,"

IT'S AN INCREDIBLE STORY OF HISTIME AS A BUSINESSMAN IN RUSSIA.

BUT FIRST, THE UNITED STATES HASBEEN HIT WITH AN OUTBREAK OF A

TERRIBLE DISEASE.

I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHICHONE.

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU THIS, ITRHYMES WITH VIN DIESELS.

>> MEASLES IS MAKING A COMEBACK.

102 CASES IN JUST THE FIRSTMONTH OF THIS YEAR.

>> THE HIGHLY INFECTIOUS VIRUSHAS NOW SPREAD TO 14 STATES.

>> THE CONTAGION FACTOR INMEASLES IS LIKE OFF THE CHAIN.

(LAUGHTER)>> Jon: THIS JUST IN...

MEASLES IS OFF-THE-CHAINCONTAGIOUS!

IT LIKES BIG LUNGS!

IT CANNOT LIE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)I GUESS WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO SAY

IS MEASLES STARTED FROM THEBOTTOM.

NOW IT'S HERE.

(APPLAUSE)OBVIOUSLY, I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

PARDON MY IGNORANCE.

BUT WHAT DOES THE MEDICALESTABLISHMENT MEAN BY

OFF THE CHAIN CONTAGIOUS?

>> IF I HAD MEASLES, I WALKEDINTO A ROOM, AND THEN I WALKED

OUT AND YOU WALKED INTO THATROOM TWO HOURS LATER,

YOU COULD GET MEASLES IF YOU HADNOT BEEN VACCINATED.

>> Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SIT THEREAND TELL US THE INFORMATION

USING CLEAR, EASY-TO-UNDERSTANDWORDS?

(LAUGHTER)CNN, YOU'VE CHANGED.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, I'M GOING TO COUNT TO

THREE, IF I DON'T SEE SOMEUNNECESSARY HOLOGRAM OF MEASLES

FLOATING THROUGH AN AIRPLANE,I'M GOING TO FLIP MY (BLEEP).

>> IF I WERE SEATED ON A PLANELIKE THIS AND SOMEBODY WAY IN

THE BACK, SNEEZED,THE TRUTH IS THAT VIRUS NOW

COULD TRAVEL IN SORT INVISIBLECROUDS OF

MICRODROPLETS ALL THE WAY UP TOWHERE I AM SEATED HERE.

>> Jon: THERE'S SOMETHINGBEHIND YOU!

LOOK BEHIND YOU!

LOOK OUT -- IT'S RIGHT BEHINDYOU!

I CAN'T WATCH!

>> AND THOSE MICRODROPLETS CANINFECT ME, THEY CAN LAND ON

SURFACES, AND I CAN TOUCH THEMAND THEY CAN INFECT ME.

>> Jon: NO! THEY GOT HIM IN THE-- WAIT,

I'VE SEEN THIS MOVIE BEFORE.

THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN WHO CANSAVE US.

>> I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER(BLEEP) MEASLES!

ON THIS MOTHER (BLEEP) PLANE!

>> Jon: NOW I'VE GOT A QUICK TIP-- A QUICK TIP FOR ANY

TRAVELERS IN THE AUDIENCE, IFYOU DO SEE THIS MAN AT

THE GATE FOR YOUR FLIGHT, DON'TGET ON THE PLANE.

CHANCES ARE THE PLANE WILL BEFULL OF ONE MOTHER (BLEEP)

THING OR ANOTHER.

(LAUGHTER)BUT YOU DID IT MEASLES!

YOU CAME BACK FROMBEING ERADICATED.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW?

>> I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND.

>> Jon: OH, THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

HE'S ACTUALLY NOT KIDDING.

>> HEALTH OFFICES REPORT 50CASES ARE NOW LINKED TO

DISNEYLAND.

>> MORE THAN 30 KIDS ARE NOWISOLATED.

>> ORANGE COUNTY SAYS SIXMEASLES PATIENTS ARE DISNEYLAND

EMPLOYEES.

>> Jon: UNBELIEVABLE!

I MEAN, THIS PLACE HAS SURVIVEDA RODENT INFESTATION, PIRATE

INVASION, RAMPANT BESTIALITY,AND WHAT TAKES DISNEYLAND DOWN?

IRONICALLY, SOMETHING WETHOUGHT WE FROZE IN THE 1950s.

YOU MAY ASK --

(APPLAUSE)YOU MAY ASK, WHY IS MEASLES A

DISEASE THAT HAD EFFECTIVELYBEEN ERADICATED THROUGH

VACCINATION SUDDENLY BACK?

WELL, LIKE MOST THINGS, YOU CANBLAME IT ON SCIENCE DENYING

AFFLUENT CALIFORNIA LIBERALS.

>> TRACY SKIT DOESN'T BELIEVE INFORCED IMMUNIZATIONS.

ARE YOUR CHILDREN VACCINATED?

>> FOR THE MOST PART.

(LAUGHTER)>> Jon: THAT'S THE SAME THING

I TELL MY DENTIST WHEN HE ASKSIF I FLOSS REGULARLY.

(LAUGHTER)AND IT TRANSLATES TO...

NO.

WHY WOULD A PARENT CHOOSE TOONLY VACCINATE HER CHILD "FOR

THE MOST PART"?

>> WE LIVE HERE IN MARIN COUNTYWHICH IS A LIBERAL PLACE.

IT'S A WELL-EDUCATED GROUP OFPEOPLE.

IT'S A THOUGHTFUL GROUP OFPEOPLE.

AND I THINK IF PARENTS ARECHOOSING NOT TO VACCINATE, IT'S

PROBABLY FOR A REASON.

>> Jon: HMM...

THIS IS MARIN COUNTY!

THEY'RE NOT RED NECKS!

THEY'RE NOT IGNORANT!

THEY PRACTICE A MINDFULSTUPIDITY!

(LAUGHTER)IF WE WANT TO GET RID OF

MEASLES -- THAT THEY GET FROMA HOLISTIC -- IF THEY WANT TO

GET RID OF MEASLES, THEY'LL JUSTSTEAM THEM OUT OF THEIR

VAGINAS! THAT'S SOMETHING THEYDO TO --

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S LIKE A THING THEY DO.

LOOK, CALIFORNIA, IF YOUR CRAZYWELLNESS IDEAS ONLY AFFECTED

YOU, I WOULD BE FINE WITH THAT.

HAVE ALL THE FAIR TRADE ORGANICESPRESSO ENEMAS YOU WANT!

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S JUST SOMETHING BETWEEN

YOU AND WHAT I ASSUME IS YOURINCREDIBLY AWAKE AND RARING TO

GO RECTUM.

(LAUGHTER)BUT YOUR CHOICE PUTS OTHER

PEOPLE IN JEOPARDY.

JUST ASK A DOCTOR ABOUT HOWNECESSARY VACCINES ARE.

>> I THINK THEY'RE A GOOD THINGBUT I THINK THE PARENT SHOULD

HAVE SOME INPUT.

IT IS AN ISSUE OF FREEDOM.

I'VE HEARD OF MANY TRAGIC CASESOF WALKING, TALKING, NORMAL

CHILDREN WHO WOUND UP WITHPROFOUND MENTAL DISORDERS AFTER

VACCINES.

>> Jon: OH FOR (BLEEP) SAKE.

PERHAPS WE SHOULD HAVE NOT ASKEDDR. RAND PAUL WHO'S HEARD

THINGS!

HE STAR OF THE HIT MEDICAL DRAMA"DR. PAUL ANECDOTE MAN"!

(LAUGHTER)I HEARD OF TYPHOID CASES CURED

BY (BLEEP) IN THE WATER WEDRINK.

(LAUGHTER)BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS VERY

IGNORANT -- THIS IS VERYINTERESTING.

VACCINE IGNORANCE SEEMS TO HAVECREATED SOME STRANGE

HOSPITAL BEDFELLOWS UNITINGTHE FRINGE OF LEFT AND RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IT MAKES ME REALIZETHERE IS NO RED AMERICA,

THERE IS NO BLUE AMERICA,THERE'S JUST A NEEDLESSLY SICK

AMERICA, WHICH REMINDS ME, WHATDOES BARACK OBAMA THINK OF THIS?

>> YOU SHOULD GET YOUR KIDSVACCINATED.

>> Jon: OH, NO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!

YOU'RE BARACK OBAMA!

YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

NOW HALF THE COUNTRY JUST ONPRINCIPLE HAS JUST JUMPED IN

THEIR CARS AND RACED OFFLOOKING FOR THE MEASLES DEPOT

SO THEY CANSTOCKPILE SOMEVIRUS!

OBAMA CAN PRY MEASLESOUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS --

ACHEW! ACHEW!

ALRIGHT, MAYBE TO HEAD THISTHING OFF WE NEED A POPULAR

FIGURE FROM THE RIGHT WHO AGREESWITH THE PRESIDENT.

>> I DON'T BELIEVE WHEN YOU'REDEALING WITH SOMETHING AS

SERIOUS AS THIS THAT WE CANCOUNT ON A VOLUNTARY SYSTEM.

THIS THE GOVERNMENT'S JOB, IFANYTHING ELSE, THE GOVERNMENT'S

JOB IS TO PROTECT THE SAFETY ANDHEALTH OF OUR CITIZENS.

>> Jon: YES, BY BLOCKING EVERYLANE OF POSSIBLE VIRUS

TRANSMISSION!

EVERY ONE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THERE WILL BE NO TRANSMISSION

TRAFFIC FROM HERE TO, LET'S SAY,FORT LEE.

(LAUGHTER)BUT, THANK YOU, A CONSERVATIVE,

RESPECTED, PRIORITIZING PUBLICHEALTH OVER THESE --

SAY THAT AGAIN? OH REALLY?

THAT WAS FROM OCTOBER WHENCHRISTIE PUT AN EBOLA NURSE WHO

WAS NOT SICK AND MADE HER(BLEEP) IN A BUCKET IN A TENT IN

NEWARK?

OH, HERE'S WHAT CHRISTIEACTUALLY SAID ABOUT KIDS'

MEASLES VACCINATIONS.

>> WE VACCINATED OURS.

WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT IS WHATYOU THINK AS A PARENT THAN WHAT

YOU THINK AS A PUBLIC OFFICIAL.AND THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

BUT I ALSO UNDERSTANDTHAT PARENTS NEED TO HAVE SOME

MEASURE OF CHOICE IN THINGS ASWELL.

SO THAT'S THE BALANCE THAT THEGOVERNMENT HAS TO DECIDE.

>> Jon: OH, THAT'S WEIRD.

BUT IT'S NICE THAT UNLIKE PIGSIN GESTATIONAL CRATES IN

NEW JERSEY, THE GOVERNOR HASROOM TO TURN HIS STANCE AROUND

TO CHANGE THINGS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)LET'S BE CLEAR.

LOOK, THIS IS, THIS IS A TOUGHTHING. YOU KNOW, LOOK,

MANY YEARS AGO WE HAD A GUY ONTHIS SHOW WHO WAS TALKING ABOUT

VACCINES AND ALL THAT, AND IT'SEASY TO GET SWEPT UP IN THE

PASSION OF IT. BUT, I DIDRESEARCH.

AND I MADE A CHOICE FOR MY KIDS,YOU VACCINATE.

THE SCIENCE IS CLEAR ON IT.

AND THE ONLY REASON THAT WE'REEVEN HAVING THIS DISCUSSION IS

BECAUSE OF HOW WELL VACCINES HADWORKED!

AND THEY ONLY WORK WHEN WE ALLDO THEM!

LET ME SEE IF I CAN PUT THISINTO TERMS A CABLE TV AUDIENCE

MIGHT APPRECIATE.

IT'S LIKE AMERICA'S IN ANISOLATED FARMHOUSE AND THE

MEASLES ARE ZOMBIES.

AND FOR SOME INEXPLICABLEREASON, THEY'VE RISEN FROM THE

DEAD AND ARE LOOKING FOR, OH, IDON'T KNOW, BRAINS.

SO EVERYBODY IN THE FARMHOUSEHAS BEEN GIVEN THE TASK OF

BOARDING UP WINDOWS ANDDOORS IN THEIR AREA

TO KEEP OUT THE ZOMBIES BECAUSEA IT'S WELL ESTABLISHED SCIENCE

THAT ZOMBIES HAVE A VERYDIFFICULT TIME WITH WOOD,

AND TROUBLE GETTING IN.

YOU TRUST EVERYBODY ISGONNA DO THEIR JOB AND THEN YOU

WAKE UP AND IT'S 2:00 IN THEMORNING AND THERE'S A

[BLEEP] ZOMBIE GNAWINGON YOUR BRAIN AND YOU'RE LIKE

WHAT THE [BLEEP] WHO DIDN'TBOARD UP THE WINDOW?

AND THAT'S WHEN SOME LADY FROMMARIN COUNTY WHO YOU LET INTO

YOUR FARM HOUSE GOES, OH, I READAN ARTICLE ON A WELLNESS

FORUM THAT SAID WE SHOULDN'TSLEEP UP IN BOARDED ROOMS

BECAUSE IT (BLEEP) YOU ALLUP AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU

WOULD SAY BACK TO THEM?

BRAINS!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)