Celebrity Trial Jury Selection - Uncensored

  • Season 2, Ep 9
  • 03/17/2004
  • Views: 376,092

How would Dave feel if he had been on the juries for Michael Jackson, Robert Blake and R. Kelly? (4:29)

- ARE YOU AWARE OF THE CHARGES

THAT MICHAEL JACKSONIS CURRENTLY FACING?

- YES, SIR.

AH, AND FOR THE RECORD,THESE CHARGES HURT ME THE MOST.

- SO HE'S GUILTY.

- LOOK, MAN.LOOK.

MICHAEL JACKSON HAS MANY FACES.

NONE OF THEMLOOK GUILTY TO ME.

YOU GOT TO LOOK IN THE EYES,NOT THE NOSES.

- HE'S BEEN ACCUSED OF THISMORE THAN ONCE.

- SO?

SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT CUCUMBERSTASTE BETTER PICKLED.

- WHAT?- HUH?

- WHAT?- HUH?

- WHAT IF I TOLD YOUTHAT THE ACCUSERS

CORRECTLY DESCRIBED MICHAEL'SPENIS TO INVESTIGATORS.

- SIR, I HAVE NEVER SEENMICHAEL'S ALLEGED PENIS,

BUT I BET YOU THAT I COULDDESCRIBE IT, ALL RIGHT?

LET ME GUESS.

THERE'S A HEAD,A SHAFT, SOME BALLS,

HAIR--MAYBE PRESSED, PERMED HAIR

WITH GLITTER SPRINKLED ON IT.

- THAT IS CORRECT.

- WHOA, HOW'D I KNOW?

COME ON, DUDE,I COULDN'T PICK MY OWN PENIS

OUT OF A LINEUP, ALL RIGHT?

AND ME AND MY PENISIS LIKE THIS, SON.

- WHAT ABOUT MICHAELSAYING IT'S OKAY

TO HAVE CHILDRENSLEEP WITH HIM?

- THAT DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.

I'M SURE THERE'S PLENTY OF KIDSTHAT SLEEP IN THE BED

WITH THEIR ADULTS ALL THE TIMEAND NOTHING HAPPENS.

- SO YOU DO YOU THINKMICHAEL JACKSON

IS GUILTY OF THE CHARGESAGAINST HIM?

- NO, MAN.

HE MADE THRILLER.

THRILLER.

- SO YOU'D LET YOUR CHILDRENSLEEP WITH HIM.

- FUCK NO!

EW.

- ARE YOU AWARETHAT ROBERT BLAKE

IS FACINGA CHARGE OF MURDER?

- OH, YEAH.

BARETTA DID THAT SHIT.

- MR. CHAPPELLE,ARE YOU AWARE THAT ROBERT KELLY

IS BEING CHARGEDWITH CHILD PORNOGRAPHY?

- YES, I'VE HEARDOF SUCH THINGS.

- YOU'VE SEENTHE VIDEO TAPES?

- HAVE I SEEN IT?

LIKE 80 TIMES.

YOU KNOW THE PART WHERE HE'SWAITING FOR HER TO COME OVER,

AND HE'S LOOKING INTHE CAMERA LIKE...

[grunting]

- SO YOU THINK THAT IT WASROBERT KELLY ON THE TAPE?

- WELL, I'D HAVETO SAY IT WAS.

- SO THEN YOU BELIEVE

HE URINATEDON A 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

- WHOA, HOLD ON, LADY!

I DIDN'T SAY ALL THAT.

YOU KNOW WITH THESE TAPESTHEY CAN DO A LOT OF THINGS.

FOR ALL I KNOW,THAT PISS WAS DIGITAL.

THEY GET CRAZYWITH SPECIAL EFFECTS.

LOOK, LOOK, CHECK THIS OUT.

I DIDN'T EVEN JUST DO THAT.

DID I DO THAT?

THAT PISS WAS DIGITAL.

THEY'LL DO CRAZY STUFFWITH SPECIAL EFFECTS.

- WHAT ABOUT THE GIRLCORROBORATING THE STORY?

- SO WHAT?

HOW MUCH MONEY DOESTHIS GIRL STAND TO MAKE

BY "CO-OBORATING"THIS STORY?

I TELL YOU WHAT,YOU GIVE ME THAT KIND OF MONEY,

R. KELLY CAN FARTIN MY DINNER TONIGHT.

SPRAY-FART.

- SO BESIDES THE TAPEAND THE GIRL

CORROBORATINGTHE ALLEGATIONS,

WHAT MORE WOULD IT TAKEFOR YOU TO BELIEVE HE'S GUILTY?

- ALL RIGHT, IF I SAW A TAPEOF R. KELLY PEEING ON A GIRL

WHILE HE WAS SINGING"PISS ON YOU"...

- ♪ LOVERS WANNA LOVE...

- AND THE GIRL WAS HOLDINGTWO FORMS OF GOVERNMENT I.D.,

WHILE A POLICE OFFICERWAS THERE,

LIKE, FOUR OR FIVEOF MY BUDDIES,

AND NEAL TAKING NOTES...

- WELL--- I'M NOT FINISHED.

AND HIS GRANDMOTHERHAS TO BE THERE

TO CONFIRM HIS IDENTIFY.

- THAT'S MY ROBERT,ALWAYS PEEING ON PEOPLE.

DON'T FORGET HER HAIR, ROBERT.

- YES, GRANDMOTHER.

- MR. CHAPPELLE,ISN'T THAT EXCESSIVE?

- NO, NO, IT'S NOT EXCESSIVE.

LISTEN, LADY, THE BURDENOF PROOF IS ON THE STATE.

ON THE STATE!

YOU HAVE GOTTO PROVE TO ME

BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT

WHETHER OR NOTTHIS MAN IS A PISSER.

- AREN'T YOUR DOUBTSUNREASONABLE?

- NO, IT'S NOT UNREASONABLE.

LOOK, WE'RE TALKING ABOUTA JUSTICE SYSTEM

THAT HAD 500 PEOPLEWHOSE CASES WERE OVERTURNED

BY DNA EVIDENCE.

I'VE SEEN A TAPE WHEREFIVE COPS BEAT UP A NIGGA,

AND THEY SAIDTHAT THEY HAD REASONABLE DOUBT.

I GOT MY DOUBTS TOO, ALL RIGHT?

HOW COME THEY DIDN'T FINDBIG AND TUPAC'S MURDERERS

BUT THEY ARRESTO.J. THE NEXT DAY?

NICOLE SIMPSON CAN'T RAP.

I WANT JUSTICE!

YOU ARE ALL--

THIS WHOLE GODDAMN COURTIS OUT OF ORDER.

EVERYBODY!

- MR. CHAPPELLE,YOU'RE DISMISSED.

- AND THAT'S FROM THE HEART.

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