have had sex before.
[cheers and applause]
That's okay, ma'am,you don't have to--
One time when we were done,like right afterwards
and I mean the secondit was done,
and I mean the momentit was done,
she let outthis big yawn.
Just like, "Uh!"
Looks like I worethat ass out.
No, I don't think so.
I think I boredthat ass to death.
I'll get married,why not?
What do I got to loosein a divorce?
Three and a halfpairs of pants?
Let's do this.
That's how I feel.
It's the worst proposalof all time.
All my married friendsare unhappy, right?
Every time mymarried friends--
every time their wivesgo out of town,
they call me up all franticand out of breath just like,
"Yo, Matt, we gottago out drinking!
"My wife's out of town!
"We gotta do thisright now!
Does that sound likesomeone who's content
with his livingsituation?
The woman thatmakes me really happy
is nowhere near mewhich makes me really happy.
Take care of your credit,everybody.
That's the main messageof my show tonight.
My credit's so bad,
Mastercard startedsending me bills in Spanish.
That's what happens.
Anything you'regroaning about
is you own racistlittle thought,
in your ownracist little minds.
You're a huge bigot.
You have a secretpersonality.
You're Tyler Durdenand you don't even know it!
Got my taxesdone this year.
I'm living my life--Ya'll can't stop me.
Why you trying to stop mefrom doing my taxes
guy in the fourth row?
Tax guy called me up,he's like,
"I got an appointment for yaon April fourth
"at four o'clock."
and I was like, "Cool".
And April's the fourthmonth of the year,
so he's like,"Look at that--
"We're meeting atfour, four, at four."
And I was like, "Cool."
And he's like, "Great,so I'll see you on all fours!"
And I was like, "Uh..."