Tom Simmons - Unhappy Babies

Season 1, Ep 0104 07/20/2006 Views: 5,764

Tom Simmons knows why his newborn son is upset. (4:00)

and the ironic thing is,everybody in my family

that's pro warwas against me going, all right?

They're, like, "Tom,you have a nine-month-old son.

Why the hell would you goto Iraq?"

Like, I just want to get onegood night's sleep this year,

is what I'm looking for.

( laughter )

Yeah. Sure,there's bombs going off,

but I don't defeat anybody at3:00 in the morning, you know?

My son's the coolest.

We named him Owen, 'causethat's what we figured

we'd be doingfor the rest of our lives.

( laughter and applause )

Yeah. There's some parents,obviously.

It's weird, man.

One thing I've learnedin the year of being a parent

is that it's a lot easier to bea parent when you're not one.

'Cause it's easy as hell

looking at how somebody else'skid is acting.

And be, like, "Our kid willnever do that in public."

Yeah. Good luck with that.

( laughter )

We're already going backon things

we said we wouldn't doimmediately.

We're, like,"We're not using a pacifier."

And, like, three days in,we're, like,

"Please put this little thingin your mouth. Quit crying."

Why is he so unhappy?

'Cause my son,for the first six weeks,

if he wasn't on my wife's titty,he was crying, all right?

Which I understand.

I'm just saying, you know...

( laughter )I don't know what to think.

I'm, like,"Why doesn't he like us?"

And then I broke it down.

Here's whyhe probably didn't like us.

'Cause before he met meand my wife,

his whole existence was spentinside of her

in total protection.

He's in, like, a seaof amniotic fluid.

He's got an IV that feeds himand takes away all of his waste.

And then out of nowhere,he's crushed violently

through a tiny hole so intensely

that his skull is reshapedinto a cone.

They yank him out by the head,

disconnect his lifelineto the world,

and then shove himon my wife's chest.

He's all confusedand covered in gook.

They're wiping him down.They take him away from her.

They walk him under a littleFrench fry heat lamp.

( laughter )

And they shove a thermometerin his ass.

Welcome to the world,little boy.

Okay, and thenthey prick his heel for blood,

and they squirt a bunchof gook in his eye,

and then they take him naked

and put him on a cold, metalscale that makes him cry,

all while the Grandmapaparazzpaparazzisis, like,

Pop, pop, pop, pop,pop, pop, pop...

"Look how cute he is."

And then they're justgetting started, right?

They take him away from there.

They give him a shotthat makes him cry.

They give him a baththat makes him cry.

They stick himin these strange clothes

he's never even conceived ofbefore.

Then they hand him to melike I'm gonna fix it.

I don't know what I'm doing.

He finally getsa little bit of sleep,

and they wake him up earlythe next morning,

chop off part of his ( bleep ).

( laughter and applause )

Yeah. Like, "Why don't you loveand trust us, little man?

We're here for you."

Yeah. And that circumcisionis a tough choice to make, man.

Some of you have made it, right?

Some of you will make it.

It's tough.There's no real reason to do it.

I did the research.

The only reason we do it is'cause of religion dogma

in our country.

That and peer pressure.

Everybody, even my doctor was,like, "You need to do that, Tom.

"You don't want himto look different than you.

That'll be traumatic."

So I did it, and now I realize,you know what?

I don't knowwhat my dad looks like.

How traumatic would that beif I did, you know?

Is there ever gonna be a daywhere I'm, like,

"Put it right herenext to Daddy's, boy?

"Now you seehow they're the same?

( laughter )

That's 'cause your daddy shaves,just for you."

( laughter )

( Simmons mumbles )

Everywhere you go,you're working for 'em now.

You're checking yourselfin the airport.

You're checking yourself outat the grocery store.

And they're all, like,

"Sir, we do thatso you can save money

"almost throughoutthe entire store.

This whole system is set upto benefit you."

Benefit me? Used to goto the grocery store,

they would ring it up and bag itand take it out to the car.

Now I go to the grocery store,I'm ringing it up,

I'm bagging it, and I'm takingit out to the car.

Five years from now, I show up.

Hey, it's my turnto mop the damn store for them.

If they can save a few pennies,I'm down aisle five.

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

"Tom, what are you doing?"

"I'm saving 53 centson Pop Tarts is what I'm doing."