Rob Riggle - Worst Place on Earth

  • Season 14 , Ep 5
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 30,151

There's no door on the men's restroom at a stadium, just an invisible yellow stench. (4:39)

ANYWAY, WHAT'SGOING ON?

ANY FOOTBALL FANS?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AH, YEAH!

YES!

I'M WITH YOU.

FOOTBALL JUST MAKES MY BODYDO THIS!

I LOVE IT!

I LOVE FOOTBALL!

UH, ONE THING I DON'T LIKE --

I'LL ADMIT, ONE THING I DON'TCARE FOR ABOUT FOOTBALL

IS THE -- THE MEN'S ROOMSAT ANY STADIUM IN AMERICA.

THEY ARE THE WORST PLACEON EARTH.

AND -- AND I'VE ACTUALLY BEENIN A COUPLE WARS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO I'VE ACTUALLY --I'VE -- I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN TO

THE WORST PLACESEARTH HAS TO OFFER.

AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU,THE WORST PLACE ON EARTH

IS THE MEN'S ROOMAT ANY STADIUM IN AMERICA.

AND I CAN SEE, LADIES --

I CAN SEE YOU GOING, "WHAT?WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SCREW IT.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU THERE NOW.

GUYS, RELAX.

I CAN SEE YOU GUYS, TOO, GOING,"RIGGLE, DON'T DO IT, MAN!"

LET ME DO THIS.

LET ME DO THIS, GUYS.

LET ME DO IT.IT'S TIME THEY LEARNED.

IT'S BEEN FAR TOO LONG.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU THROUGHTHE LOOKING GLASS NOW, LADIES,

INTO THE INNER SANCTUM.

THERE'S NO DOOR ONTHE MEN'S ROOM AT A STADIUM.

DON'T NEED IT.

THERE IS AN INVISIBLE --

A SEMI-INVISIBLE YELLOW STENCHTHAT BLOCKS THE DOOR.

AND IT'S THICK ENOUGH

THAT IT CAN ACTUALLY SLOW DOWNA BIG MAN LIKE MYSELF.

"I'M GONNA HIT THE -- I'M GONNAHIT THE BATHROOM, GUYS.

I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE."

AAAH!

AND AS YOU PENETRATETHE OUTER LAYER,

IT -- IT'S SO THICK,IT LAYS ON YOUR SKIN

LIKE A COBWEBFROM AN INDIANA JONES MOVIE.

IT'S THAT THICK.IT'S "AAAH!"

AND ONCE YOU MAKE THE COMMITMENTTO GO INTO THE RESTROOM,

YOU CAN'T STOP.

YOU'VE GOT TO GO ALL THE WAY.

AND AS YOU PENETRATETHAT OUTER LAYER -- AAAH! --

THE FIRST THING YOU SEEAS YOU GET IN THERE, LADIES,

TWO SIT-DOWN STALLS --

TWO SIT-DOWN STALLS --

FOR 10,000 MEN IN THIS SECTIONOF THE STADIUM.

AND BOTH DOORS ON THE STALLSARE GONE.

THEY'RE MISSING.

AND I-I PROMISE YOU,

ON THE FIRST DAY THAT STADIUMOPENED -- THE VERY FIRST DAY --

THE VERY FIRST MANTHAT HAD TO WAIT IN LINE,

"YOU'RE TAKINGTOO [BLEEP] LONG!"

AND HE RIPPED THE DOORFROM THE HINGES,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE DO,LADIES.

WE TEAR DOORS OFF OF STUFFFOR NO REASON.

AND THE DOORS ARE MISSING.YEAH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THE DOORS --

THE DOORS ARE MISSING.

THEY'RE GONE.THEY JUST VANISHED.

AND I CAN ONLY ASSUMETHEY WERE USED AS STRETCHERS

LATER IN THE DAYIN THAT HELLHOLE.

AND -- AND BOTH STALLSARE OVERFLOWING WITH FILTH.

AND IN ONE, THERE'S A DEAD BODY.

AND IN THE OTHER STALL, THERE'SAN ABANDONED CHILD CRYING.

AND SCREW THEM, NEVER STOP!KEEP GOING, PUSH FURTHER!

YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE ITINTO THE INNER-INNER SANCTUM.

AND AS YOU LEAVE THAT BEHIND,YOU COME AROUND THE CORNER,

AND THERE IT IS, LADIES --I KID YOU NOT --

A 50-FOOT-LONG PISS TROUGH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

A STEAMING PISS TROUGH,BECAUSE WE'RE CATTLE AND PIGS,

AND THAT'S ALL WE DESERVE.

AND -- AND ACROSS IT IS20 MEN ACROSS AND 20 MEN DEEP,

LIKE A HUGE ROMAN LEGION.

AND -- AND ONCE YOU JOINTHE LEGION,

YOU'RE IN THE LEGION FOR LIFE.

YOU CAN'T GET OUT.

ONCE YOU STEP IN, AND --AND EVERYBODY'S JUST [HUFFING]

MARCHING TO THE PISS TROUGH --MARCHING TO THE PISS TROUGH.

AND THERE'S ALWAYS SOME --THERE'S ALWAYS --

THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE JERK,DRUNK LUNATIC IN THERE

WHO'S GOING, "I'LL [BLEEP]KILL EVERYBODY IN HERE!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND WHENEVER I GET IN THE LINE,I ALWAYS TAKE THAT TIME TO PRAY.

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,JUST GET ME THROUGH THIS.

I LOVE MY WIFE SO MUCH."

AND THEN THERE'S ALWAYSTHAT WUSSY WHO'S LIKE,

"I CAN'T TAKE IT," AND THEN THEYGO, "TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HER!"

PBHT!

"SCREW HIM. HE'S WEAK!STEP OVER HIS BODY."

[ HUFFING ]

AND EVERYBODY'S BEEN DRINKINGBEER AND EATING BRATS.

AND WHAT DO YOU THINK'SGOING ON DOWN HERE?

IT'S A WITCH'S BREW OF DEATH!

[ IMITATES FART ]

THERE WAS JUST -- OH, NO!

AND I'VE -- I'VE GOTSO MUCH PEE, I CAN TASTE IT.

I REALLY CAN TASTE IT.

AND I'M HITTINGTHE PANIC BUTTON.

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,JUST GET ME TO THE PISS TROUGH!"

AND YOU FINALLY GETTO THE PISS TROUGH,

AND NOW EVERYBODY WANTS TO TALK.

NOW, EVERYBODY'S LIKE, "HEY,TONY, YOU GONNA GET THE THING?"

"WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

AND THE GUY BEHIND YOU IS LIKE,

"COME ON, MAN, TAKE THE PISS!TAKE THE PISS!"

AND, YOU KNOW,I'M LIKE ICEMAN IN "TOP GUN."

I'M LIKE,"I GOT NO SHOT. I'M OUT!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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