Rich Vos - Dumb People

  • Season 7 , Ep 28
  • 09/04/2003
  • Views: 7,749

Rich Vos wants to bang his daughter's teacher. (3:28)

Rich Vos: YOU GUYS ARE SMART

CROWD.

YOU'RE NEW YORK'S THE BEST

CROWD.

SMART.

I'M TELLIN' YOU.

PEOPLE ARE DUMB.

PEOPLE ARE DUMB NOT HERE BUT

IN GENERAL.

MY LAST NAME IS VOS, V-O-S

THREE LETTERS.

HOW HARD IS THAT TO SPELL?

V-O-S.

NO ONE CAN SPELL IT WITHOUT

SCREWIN' IT UP.

I WAS BOOKIN' A FLIGHT.

IT'S TRUE.

THE LADY SAID, "SPELL YOUR

NAME."

I SAID, V-O-S.

SHE SAID V-L-S?

YEAH, MY LAST NAME HAS

NO VOWELS.

MY FIRST NAME'S RICH, R-Z-K.

BUT DO THE WORLD A FAVOR

AND DRINK A BULLET STUPID.

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE ARE DUMB.

I'M PRETTY DUMB, TOO, THOUGH.

I ASKED MY 10-YEAR-OLD THE OTHER

DAY.

I SAID, "YOU WANT ME TO HELP ME

WITH YOUR HOMEWORK?"

SHE STARTED LAUGHIN'.

SAID, "DADDY, I COULD FAIL

ON MY OWN."

[LAUGHTER]

MY 10-YEAR-OLD HER TEACHER

IS HOT.

OH, I WANNA BANG HER TEACHER

BAD.

I DO.

I TELL MY DAUGHTER, "DO WHATEVER

YOU GOTTA DO TO GET ME IN THE

CLASSROOM.

CURSE, DISRUPT, EAT, RAISE YOUR

MIDDLE FINGER, ANYTHING."

"DADDY, MY TEACHER WANTS TO

SEE YA."

GOOD GOIN' TEAM PLAYER.

I'LL HANDLE IT FROM HERE.

I NEED TO MEET A GIRL NOW.

I'M SINGLE.

ANY SINGLE GIRLS HERE?

ONE IN THE BACK.

300 PEOPLE.

ONE-- YEAH.

JUST ME FINE.

THE ONE WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T MEET A GIRL ANYHOW

'CAUSE THEY USUALLY WERE LIKE

FOUR OTHER FRIENDS AND YOU KNOW

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE BLOCK AT THE

TABLE, RIGHT?

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE TO SCREW IT

UP FOR YOU.

"NO YOU CAN'T GO WITH HIM.

GET HIS NUMBER.

WE CAME TOGETHER.

WE LEAVE TOGETHER", RIGHT?

IT'S ALWAYS THE ONE WITH THE

HUMP ON THEIR BACK, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU CAN'T LEAVE WITH HIM.

YOU SAID YOU'RE GONNA GO TO THE

TOWER AND RING THE BELL WITH ME

TONIGHT."

[LAUGHTER]

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO A

FRIEND.

BILL, WE CAME IN THE SAME CAR.

ONE OF MY FRIENDS IS GETTIN'

LAID.

I TELL HIM TO CALL ME AND LEAVE

THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK SO I

COULD LISTEN, OKAY?

AND DROP A BATCH ON MY STOMACH.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

I'M THE ONLY ONE?

[LAUGHTER]

GIRLS GOT TOO MANY EXCUSES.

I TRIED TO PICK UP A GIRL

THE OTHER NIGHT.

SHE SAID TO ME, "YOU DON'T HAVE

HONEST EYES."

"WHAT?

I JUST WANNA SLEEP WITH YA.

I DON'T WANNA BORROW $1,000."

THE BEST RELATIONSHIP I EVER HAD

I USED TO GO OUT WITH A HOMELESS

GIRL.

YEAH, IT WAS GREAT 'CAUSE AFTER

SEX I COULD JUST DROP HER OFF

ANYWHERE.

[LAUGHTER]

"WE'RE HOME.

I'LL CALL YA TOMORROW.

YOU'RE GONNA BE BY THE

PHONE BOOTH?"

[LAUGHTER]

MY IDOL WHEN IT COMES TO SEX

WAS THAT 14-YEAR-OLD KID IN

WASHINGTON STATE.

HE GOT HIS TEACHER PREGNANT

TWICE.

REMEMBER HIM?

I COULDN'T GET A TEACHER TO

HELP ME WITH MY SPELLING, OKAY?

YOU THINK HE HAD AN ATTITUDE IN

CLASS?

"TOMMY, YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK?"

"I'M (BLEEP) HER."

[LAUGHTER]

I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT LADY'S

EX-HUSBAND, HUH?

TALK ABOUT RUINING YOUR

SELF-ESTEEM?

HOW DO YOU HANDLE YOUR WIFE

LEADING YOU FOR A 14-YEAR-OLD?

YOU KNOW THEY'RE TRASHING HIM

AT WORK.

"HEY, MAN, I SAW YOUR WIFE OUT

ON A DATE.

SHE'S ON THE HANDLE BARS OF

THIS KID'S BICYCLE."

[LAUGHTER]

Loading...