Todd Glass - Cigarettes

Warren Thomas & Todd Glass Season 1, Ep 0143 02/24/1992 Views: 2,511

Every dad smokes like his face is in pain. (4:30)

I LIKETHE HOME SHOPPER'S NETWORK.

THEY CAN SELL ANYTHING,HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT?

IT'S PUKEABLE.

UH, THEY HAVE, LIKE, AN ASHTRAY

ARE THEY THE BEST SALESMEN?

AND THEY TALK AND TALK,THEY'RE LIKE--

"WHAT WE HAVEIS A GLASS ASHTRAY.

"IT'S GLASS ON THE INSIDEAND THE OUTSIDE.

"THIS HAS LACQUERTATE ON IT.

"THAT WON'T CHIPNO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.

"WE FINDWITH THE GLASS ASHTRAY

"IT GOES WITHTHE FRENCH PROVINCIAL

"MODERN, OR ANY STYLE.

"WE GOT A CALL FROM A LADY

"WHO HAD FRENCH PROVINCIALSWITCHED TO COLONIAL

"AND SAID IT FIT RIGHT IN.

"WE'RE GLAD WE GOT THAT CALL.

"NOTICE HERE YOU HAVESOME INDENTATIONS.

"MAYBE THE PHONE IS RINGING,MAYBE YOU'RE COOKING

"MAYBE THE KIDS NEED TENDED TO.

"YOU JUST PUTYOUR CIGARETTE IN THERE

"AND MY, YOUR HANDSARE TROUBLE FREE.

"I SAID YOU GET THREE,BUT LOOK, ON THE Q.V.C. ASHTRAY

"YOU GET A FREE ONERIGHT OVER HERE.

( laughter )

( applause )

STOP, STOP.

( applause )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO TO RELAX?

I'VE BEEN DOINGPOLICE RIDE-ALONGS.

HAS ANYONE EVER DONE ONE?

YOU LEARN THEIR JOB ISA LOT HARDER THAN YOU THINK.

I DID ONE IN IRVINE AND...

WELL, IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

BUT, UH, WE GOT A CALL--

THIS IS TRUE,I'M NOT JUST SAYING IT--

HOW DO I TELL THIS CLEAN?

THERE WAS A GUY ON HIS PATIO,UH, TOUCHING HIMSELF.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HAVING A LITTLE PARTYALL BY HIMSELF

NO INVITATIONS WENT OUT.

WE HAVE TO RESPOND.

THE WOMAN WAS FREAKING OUT.

SHE WAS LIKE,"HE WAS RIGHT OVER THERE

"HE HAD HIS PANTSAT HIS ANKLES."

SHE GOES, "I WORK A 13-HOUR DAY.

I DON'T NEED TO SEE THAT,THAT'S DISGUSTING."

NOW, I DON'T CONDONE WHAT HE DIDBUT IF THERE WAS A GUY

AND HE SAW A GIRL WITH, LIKE,HER DRESS AT HER ANKLES

WE'D BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH, WOO!"

NOT ONE GUY, NOT ONE, NOT ONEWOULD SAY--

"I DON'T NEED TO SEE THATAFTER A HARD DAY AT WORK."

( laughter )

I'LL SHOW YOU SOMETHING HERE.

HAVE YOU NOTICED BARBASOLSHAVING CREAM NEVER RUNS OUT?

YOU BUY ONE CAN OF THAT STUFF

AND HAND IT DOWNGENERATION TO GENERATION.

WHY CAN'T DEODORANTLAST THAT LONG?

YOUR DEODORANT RUNS OUT

AND THE RIM ACTUALLYGETS HIGHER THAN THE DEODORANT

BUT YOU STILL SCRAPE IT ON.

BLOOD IS DRIPPING FROM YOUR ARM.

A PIECE FALLS ON THE GROUND.

YOU BEND OVER AND GET ITAND START USING IT.

"OH, YEAH,THIS IS WORKING, OH, YEAH."

THEN YOUR SHAMPOO RUNS OUT,YOU FILL IT WITH WATER.

"OKAY, I'LL GETMORE OUT OF THERE."

WORST IS WITH TOOTHPASTE--

"DON'T TELL METHERE'S NO MORE..."

THEN YOU TAKE WHAT'S IN THE RIMAND YOU START BENDING IT HALF.

A LITTLE BIT BENDS OUT, "YEAH!"

THANK YOU.

THIS ISA LITTLE IMPRESSION HERE.

CHILLING.

MMM, HMM, HMM.

OKAY.

THIS IS AN IMPRESSIONOF MY DAD SMOKING.

HE SMOKES LIKEHIS WHOLE FACE HURTS HIM.

YOU EVER NOTICETHEY ALL SMOKE LIKE THAT?

LIKE THEY'REIN A MAJOR AMOUNT OF PAIN.

HERE'S THE WAY ALL DADS SMOKE.

( laughter )

HE'D COME WATCH MEPLAY LITTLE LEAGUE.

HE'D BE IN THE STANDS.

"KEEP YOUR EYEON THE BALL, TODD.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL."

( laughter )

"DAD, I'M TOO BUSY WATCHING

"SMOKE COME OUTEVERY HOLE OF YOUR HEAD.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE LOSING,GO HOME."

HE ALWAYS HAD SMOKELEFT TO COME OUT HIS NOSE

WHEN HE WAS DONE YELLING.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DID IT.

HE'D BE LIKE--

"I HAVE HAD ITWITH THE ROUGHHOUSING."

( laughter )

AN EXCLAMATION POINTWOULD FLY OUT HIS NOSE.

NOW, WHEN YOU CHECK INTO A HOTEL

THEY ASK YOUIF YOU WANT A NONSMOKING ROOM.

NOW, IF YOU DON'T SMOKE

DOESN'T IT AUTOMATICALLYBECOME A NONSMOKING ROOM?

WHAT IF YOU DON'T SMOKE?

DO PEOPLE COME IN,"HOW, YOU DOING, JERK?

GET THIS OUT OF THE DRAPES."

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.

( applause )

THANK YOU.

( applause )