Glenn Wool - New York

  • Season 2 , Ep 1
  • 03/25/2011
  • Views: 2,965

If the next song written about New York doesn't include a verse on bed bugs, it's false advertising. (3:18)

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(scattered cheering)YES!

MANY HIT SONGSHAVE BEEN WRITTEN

ABOUT THIS CITY,AND IT'S FAIR BECAUSE IT'S VALID

BUT IF THE NEXT ONE DOESN'TINCLUDE A VERSE ABOUT BEDBUGS,

THAT IS SIMPLYFALSE ADVERTISING.

(laughter, scattered applause)

IN TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS

IN STAYINGIN YOUR FINE CITY,

I HAVE BEEN BITTEN BY BEDBUGS

AND IF I SPEND UPWARDSOF $50 ON A HOTEL ROOM...

(laughter)

I EXPECT TO BE ABLETO DON MY NIGHT CAP,

SIP MY COCOA, GO TO SLEEPAND WAKE UP REFRESHED!

NOT STRICKENWITH NERD HERPES.

(laughter)

THAT'S WHAT I CALL BEDBUG BITES,NERD HERPES.

ALL THE SHAME IN STIGMATAAS REAL HERPES,

BUT NONE OF THE EARLY-MORNINGSLAP AND TICKLE

FROM A GREASY OLD COUGAR.

(laughter)

I'M NOT TRYINGTO GET DOWN ON YOU, THOUGH.

I GOT FLAWS.I SMOKE.

IT'S BAD FOR YOU,I KNOW.

WARNINGS ON THE PACKAGETELL YOU SO.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T MIND 'EM'CAUSE THEY ARE BAD.

ONE OF THE PROBLEMSWITH THE WARNINGS THOUGH,

VERY SCIENTIFIC.

THINK THEY SHOULD ALSOHAVE TO BE PHILOSOPHICAL.

IN FRONT OF CIGARETTE PACKS,IT GOES,

(lisping) "SMOKING CAUSESFATAL DISEASES."

(normal voice) ON THE BACK,I THINK IT SHOULD HAVE SAY,

"BUT ONLY 5%OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION

BELIEVES DEATH IS THE END."

(laughter)

MAN, YOU GUYS LOVEBUMPER STICKERS.

I'VE SEEN A LOT HERE.

I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING FROM,

"MY CHILD IS THE STAR PUPILAT THEIR LEARNING ACADEMY,"

ALL THE WAY TO, "UNCLE SAMWANTS YOU TO SPEAK ENGLISH!"

SURPRISINGLY THOUGH,IT'S NEVER ON THE SAME VEHICLE.

(laughter)

(applause)

(laughs)

UNCLE SA--YOU KNOW WHO UNCLE SAM IS.

HE'S THAT GOAT-FACE DUDEWHO DRESSES LIKE APOLLO CREED.

(laughter)

AND HE'S POINTING AT YOU.

HE WANTS YOU.

IS THAT REALLY THE IMAGERYWE SHOULD BE LISTENING TO,

AN UNCLE WHO LOOKS LIKEHE'S ABOUT TO TOUCH YOU?

(laughter)

TOUCHY UNCLE.

UNCLE SAM WANTS YOUTO KEEP A SECRET.

(laughter)

UNCLE SAM GONNA BUY YOUA BICYCLE.

UNCLE SAM...

WANTS YOUTO SPEAK ENGLISH!"

WELL, IF THAT'S REALLYWHAT UNCLE SAM WANTS

THEN WHY DID HE WRITE ITIN ENGLISH?!

(laughter)

(applause)

SURELY, IT SHOULD SAY,

"IF YOU CAN READ THIS,UNCLE SAM'S A HAPPY CHAPPY."

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