Ron White - Death Penalty

Camin, Oschack, Howard, White Season 6, Ep 609 12/28/2002 Views: 57,596

Texas is putting in a death penalty express lane. (1:44)

LAST NIGHT, SOME GUYS ASKED ME

IF I WANTED TO GO TO A TOPLESS

CLUB, AND I DIDN'T WANNA GO.

I JUST ENDED UP GOING 'CAUSE,

YOU GUYS BACK ME UP ON THIS,

YOU'VE SEEN ONE WOMAN NAKED, YOU

WANNA SEE THE REST OF 'EM NAKED.

IT COULD BE AN OLD BIKER CHICK.

YOU KNOW THEY'RE GONNA HANG DOWN

TO HERE.

"YOU WANNA SEE MY (BLEEP)?"

(LAUGHTER)

"YEAH, I DO."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I JUST GOT BACK FROM 10 DAYS IN

LOS ANGELES.

IF YOU EVER HAVE A CHANCE TO DO

THAT, PASS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I LEARN THINGS WHEN I GO TO

L.A.

I LEARNED THIS.

THEY HAVE BIKINIS NOW MADE OUT

OF SEA SHELLS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, AND I ALSO

DIDN'T KNOW THIS.

IF YOU'RE EVER WALKING DOWN THE

BEACH AND YOU SEE A GIRL DRESSED

IN A BIKINI MADE OUT OF SEA

SHELLS, AND YOU PICK HER UP,

AND HOLD HER TO YOUR EAR...

(LAUGHTER)

YOU CAN HEAR HER SCREAM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M FROM TEXAS.

IN TEXAS, WE HAVE THE DEATH

PENALTY AND WE USE IT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IF YOU COME TO TEXAS AND KILL

SOMEBODY, WE WILL KILL YOU BACK.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S OUR POLICY.

THEY'RE TRYING TO PASS A BILL

RIGHT NOW THROUGH THE TEXAS

LEGISLATURE THAT'LL SPEED UP

THE PROCESS OF EXECUTION IN

HEINOUS CRIMES WHERE THERE'S

MORE THAN THREE CREDIBLE

EYEWITNESSES.

IF MORE THAN THREE PEOPLE SAW

YOU DO WHAT YOU DID, YOU DON'T

SIT ON DEATH ROW FOR 15 YEARS,

JACK.

YOU GO STRAIGHT TO THE FRONT OF

THE LINE.

OTHER STATES ARE TRYING TO

ABOLISH THE DEATH PENALTY.

MY STATE'S PUTTING IN AN EXPRESS

LANE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)