Steve Marmel - America at War

  • Season 3 , Ep 2
  • 05/15/2000
  • Views: 3,376

THAN WE'VE BEENIN A REALLY LONG TIME,

BECAUSE THESE SMALL COUNTRIESHAVE NUKES NOW.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

INDIA AND PAKISTANHAVE THE BOMB.

DO YOU CARE?NO.

YOU KNOW WHY?

THEY DON'T HAVE ANY MISSILES.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?STRAP IT TO AN OX?

"PREPARE TO DIE.HYAH!"

BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO BELIEVEIN REINCARNATION HAVE A NUKE.

THAT IS HILARIOUS.

BOOM!"HELLO, WE'RE BACK."

OUR RELATIONS WITH CUBA SUCKRIGHT NOW.

WHY?'CAUSE OF THAT KID.

LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M SORRY THIS ALL HAPPENED,

BUT I AM SO TIREDOF HEARING ABOUT THIS KID, MAN.

I DON'T WANTTO SEE HIS FACE AGAIN

UNLESS IT'S ONA CARTON OF MILK.

ENOUGH!

EVERY DAY, I'VE GOT TO WATCHHIS LITTLE GODPARENTS

BRIBE HIM WITH SOMETHINGHE CAN'T GET IN CUBA,

LIKE A CELL PHONEOR SOME TOY OR HOPE, RIGHT?

"SHOULD WE KEEP HIM?SHOULD WE SEND HIM BACK?"

I DON'T KNOW.

LET'S WAIT A FEW YEARS;

SEE WHAT KIND OF PITCHING ARMTHE LITTLE SON OF A BITCH HAS.

[laughter and applause]

HE'S GOT SOME HEAT?GREAT!

WELCOME TO AMERICA.

IF HE THROWS LIKE A GIRL,"BACK IN THE TIRE!"

I WOULD LOVE A GOOD WAR.

I MISS THE FACT THAT WEHAVEN'T BEEN TO WAR IN A WHILE.

AND I'M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUTHOW AMERICA'S A BULLY.

AMERICA IS NOT A BULLY.

BULLIES BEAT YOU UPAND TAKE YOUR MONEY,

AND THAT IS NOTWHAT AMERICA DOES.

AMERICA GIVES YOU MONEY,AND THEN WE BEAT YOU UP.

WE'RE THE MOB.

WE JUST KIND OF WAITFOR THE CHECK TO CLEAR,

AND THEN WE SHOW UP GOING,

"HEY, UH, YOU'VE GOT A REAL NICE[bleep] COUNTRY HERE.

"BE A SHAMEIF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO IT.

"I'M NOT SAYINGWE'RE GOING TO DO ANYTHING;

"I'M JUST SAYINGSOMETIMES BRIDGES BLOW UP

ALL BY THEMSELVES, HUH?"

AND BULLIES WORK ALONE.

WE HAVE A TEAM.

A POWERFUL ALLIANCE OF NATIONSCALLED NATO.

YEAH, NATO.

REALLY MASSIVE NATIONS LIKEBELGIUM AND FRANCE AND CANADA.

CANADA SHOWING UPAT THE END OF EVERY WAR

WITH THAT LITTLE TUGBOATOF THEIRS.

[imitates foghorn]

DING-DING!DING-DING!

LOOK OUT, EVIL.

NATO'S LIKE "TAKE YOUR DAUGHTERTO WORK DAY."

"I'M HELPING. I'M HELPING."

"YES, YOU ARE.YOU'RE HELPING.

"YOU ARE DADDY'S LITTLE HELPER.

"NOW, WHY DON'T YOU, BELGIUM,AND CANADA GET TOGETHER

AND MAKE DADDY A WAFFLE?"

TENSIONS IN YUGOSLAVIA.

WE MIGHT HAVE TO STARTPOUNDING THEM AGAIN,

WHICH IS GREAT.

SHOULD'VE STARTEDBLOWING YUGOSLAVIA UP

WHEN THEY INTRODUCEDTHAT CRAPPY LITTLE CAR.

IT WAS A GOOD WAR.

IT WAS AN EXCELLENT WAR,

'CAUSE WE HADAN EXCELLENT VILLAIN:

SLOBODAN--SLO--

YEAH, THAT'S A HARD NAMETO PRONOUNCE.

NO, IT IS.

THAT NAME'S SO HARDTO PRONOUNCE,

ONLY MAGIC JOHNSONCOULD GET IT RIGHT

BY SCREWING IT UP.

"HEY, WHO WE FIGHTING?"

"SLOBODAN MILODEVID."

[laughter]

GREAT MOMENTS IN THIS WAR--

EVERY TIME WE HAVE AN AIR WAR,

THERE'S THIS MOMENT,WHICH I LOVE.

THE COUNTRY WE'RE POUNDING GOES,

"HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYSCOME DOWN AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN?"

"'CAUSE WE DON'T HAVE TO.

CATCH."

[laughter and applause]

"SORRY 'BOUT YOUR OX."

MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS WARWITH YUGOSLAVIA

IS WHEN WE BLEW UPTHE CHINESE EMBASSY.

GORGEOUS!

OH, MY GOD,WERE THEY PISSED!

[in Chinese accent]"YOU!YOU BLEW UP OUR EMBASSY."

[chuckles]YEAH. I GUESS WE DID.

I GUESS THAT GUIDANCE SYSTEMYOU GUYS STOLE

WASN'T SO HOT AFTER ALL,WAS IT?

IF YOU HAD OPENED UPYOUR COOKIE THAT MORNING,

IT WOULD'VE READ:"DUCK."

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