Demetri Martin - Not Denver

Demetri Martin: Standup Comedian 09/29/2012 Views: 10,189

Demetri Martin's plan to open a store in one of the biggest airports in the country is sure to confuse travelers. (2:03)

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- I got a business idea.

I was gonna open a storein the Chicago airport,

one of the biggest airportsin the country,

and have a big storeright by one of the gates.

But in my store,I would just sell stuff

that says "Denver"on it.

So when peopleget off the plane,

they look at my storeand they go,

"Oh, [bleep]."

And if somebodycame up to me and said,

"Excuse me, thisis the Chicago airport.

You're selling stuffthat says 'Denver' on it."

I would go,"Oh, [bleep].

"I knew I rushedinto this investment.

Guess I'll just have to write'Not' on everything."

"Where'd you getthat sweatshirt?"

"Not Denver.Don't worry about it."

I don't usuallyfly in first class,

but I do fartin first class.

"Can I help you,sir?"

"Nah, I'm cool.

"I'm gonna head backto my seat.

Got a little lost.Sorry about that."

[sniffs] "It smellslike coach up here."

I was having lunchwith my friend,

and I said,"Hey, what's your middle name?"

He said,"I have two middle names."

I said, "Then youhave no middle names.

You have a space."

Yeah.

We were having lunch,and I went to treat him.

I said,"Hey, I got this.

I'm gonna buy you lunch."

And he said,"Are you sure?"

Has anybody ever backed outat that point?

"Hey, man, I got this.""Are you sure?"

"I'm gladyou brought that up.

"I was bluffing.I'm not sure at all.

"You called my bluff.

I got no money.You want to just run for it?"