Wayne Federman - Book of Questions

  • Season 7 , Ep 25
  • 08/14/2003
  • Views: 857

"The Book of Answers" would be better than "The Book of Questions." (3:13)

I'M GONNA SIT DOWN FOR A SECOND.

I AM THE WORST SIGN OF THE

ZODIAC, CANCER.

[APPLAUSE]

DON'T APPLAUD.

THERE'S NOTHING ON THE

ZODIAC WHEEL CLOSE TO THE MOST

DREADED DISEASE IN THE HISTORY

OF MANKIND.

IT'S NOT LIKE, "OKAY, DECEMBER,

ACNE.

CANCER, HOW ARE YOU?"

"MARCH, IS THAT PSORIASIS?

CANCER?"

SO LAST YEAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY

I GOT THE BOOK OF QUESTIONS--

[APPLAUSE]

SO I GET THE BOOK OF QUESTIONS

AND I THINK IT'S A TRIVIA BOOK.

I'M LIKE "THIS IS GREAT.

JAY SILVERHEALS."

I OPEN IT UP.

"WOULD YOU GIVE UP THE USE

OF ALL OF YOUR LIMBS AND

THE ABILITY TO URINATE SO

THE PEOPLE OF CHAD COULD EAT

FOR A YEAR?"

[LAUGHTER]

WHO GAVE ME THIS?

WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

SO THEN I LOOK IN THE BACK

FOR THE ANSWER.

GUESS WHAT?

THERE ARE NO ANSWERS.

THIS IS A BOOK OF UNANSWERABLE

QUESTIONS.

GIVE ME THE BOOK OF ANSWERS.

THAT'S SOMETHING I COULD USE.

"THE CHICKEN CAME FIRST."

"THE GLASS IS HALF EMPTY."

"OF COURSE IT MAKES NOISE,

IT'S A (BLEEP) TREE."

ALRIGHT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"THE WOODCHUCK WOULD CHUCK

ONE AND A HALF CORDS OF WOOD

PER HOUR."

THANK YOU.

ONE THING GOOD ABOUT GETTING

OLDER IS I CAN REMINISCE.

AND I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD HAVE

THAT SKILL, BUT I AM GREAT

AT IT.

YOU SHOULD SEE ME WITH A

7 YEAR-OLD.

I'M LIKE, "COME HERE, YOUNGSTER.

WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE AND

WE HAD TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL--

NO, GATHER YOUR FRIENDS AROUND,

THEY MAY LIKE THIS.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, FIRST WE HAD TO GET UP.

THAT'S RIGHT, GET UP.

AND THEN WALK TOWARDS

THE TELEVISION SET,

BALANCING ON THE EARTH AS IT WAS

SPINNING, AND THEN REACH OUT

AND THEN GRAB THIS KNOB.

GRAB IT!

AND THEN WE WOULD TURN IT

AND WE HAD TWO THROUGH 13 AND U.

THAT WAS IT, THAT'S ALL WE HAD."

THOSE WERE--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE BIGGEST CRIME I COULD COMMIT

WOULD BE TO TURN THE CHANNEL

TOO QUICKLY.

IF MY DAD EVER HEARD THIS

SOUND...

[SOUND OF CHANNEL CHANGING]

FORGET IT.

AND HE WOULD--

HE HAD LIKE SOME WEIRD--

HE'D BE OUT MOWING THE LAWN.

I'D BE TRYING TO GET TO

"UNDERDOG--"

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON

IN HERE?

WHAT IS GOIN' ON IN HERE,

WAYNE?"

"I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET TO THE

THEME SONG, THAT'S MY FAVORITE

PART."

"WELL, THAT'S HOW YOU BREAK

A TELEVISION.

RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S HOW YOU BREAK IT."

"I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS

A SPEED LIMIT.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET

TO THE-- "

"MAYBE YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH

TO USE A TELEVISION.

MAYBE WE CAN'T HAVE GOOD THINGS

IN THIS HOUSE.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STOP WORKING

'CAUSE EVERYTHING I (BLEEP)

BRING HOME, YOU KIDS BREAK."

"MAYBE YOU NEED SOME MEDICATION,

I THINK YOU'RE OVERREACTING

TO THE WHOLE"--

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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