Joey Diaz - A Santeria Prediction - Uncensored

Karma 04/12/2016 Views: 4,274

When Joey Diaz was growing up, his mother had an arrangement with undercover cops -- until one took advantage of her and had to face karmic retribution. (9:27)

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- She takes the fuckingdish and breaks it

and says, "Seven days,"[speaking Spanish]

On the way home, I'm like,"That bitch got a

big spread to cover."

[laughs]

Holy shit!

[dark electronic music]

[multiple blows land]

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to"This is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.

And today, all thestories are about karma.

[cheers and applause]

He is one of the bestcomedians in the world.

One of the beststorytellers in the world.

You know him from his podcast,

"The Church ofWhat's Happening Now."

One of my best friends in theworld, Mr. Joey Coco Diaz.

[cheers and applause]

- I'm Catholic, you know?

It's not the fuckingmost popular thing

to be anymore,you know?

So I was always ashamed ofmy Catholicism and shit.

And then, I'm Cuban.

When you're Cuban, you have alittle Santeria in you and shit.

You have, like, an auntthat cuts chickens

and shit on theweekends and...

and puts spells on them.

You don't tell nobodyabout it, so...

I never told nobody about it,then I watched

that fucking documentaryon Scientology, right?

And I'm like, here's abunch of rich, white,

intelligent people waiting for afucking Martian, you know?

At least Santeria'sfrom Africa.

I mean, seriously.

When I saw the fuckingScientology thing,

I'm like, "What the fuck?"

They're nice,intelligent white people

waiting for a fucking Martian

wearing a Navy suit,saluting each other and shit.

What the fuck iswrong with you?

You got everything going foryou, you dumb motherfuckers.

And these people are around us,they're all around us.

"Hi, I'm a Scientologist."

Get the fuck away from me.

Waiting for afucking Martian.

And that's right,I fucking said it.

I don't give a fuck.

I got one foot in the grave,one on a banana peel.

What they gonna do?What they gonna do?

I'm not gonna be ina Travolta movie?

Fuck him.I don't give a fuck.

Fuck them Scien--and there's, like,

three of youse here.

Suck my dick, too.

I don't give a fuck aboutyou dumb motherfuckers.

Living in afucking rocket ship.

Rich white people.

They got one black guyin the fucking thing.

And if you're Jewishand you converted

to fucking Scientology,

I hope Mosesfucks you in hell.

You dumb motherfuckers.

You're the strongest race,fucking killed killed Jesus,

and now they're hangingout up there, fucking--

you know, with theseidiots up there.

You fucking momos.Have some soul.

Fucking jerk-offs.

I get emotional aboutScientologists.

I'm sorry.

Now, if you're a Sciento--I got a story for you

that'll make you fuckingconvert to Santeria by the end

of the fucking night,all right?

When I was a kid, my motherhad a bar near the city.

I was a little kid,and I'd see cops come in

to take their weekly bribes.

It was a patrol guy--a beat guy

in a suit that wouldalways come in.

Chino, nice guy.

I would always talk to him,

always get a drinkand be very polite.

My mother would just sliphim an envelop on the bar.

Then there was a detective thatwould come in once a week.

He'd have a drink,bust my mother's balls

about Cuban food, you know.

But they--nice guys, you know?

And I asked my mom one day,

"Well, what do you pay thesefucking humps for?"

And she said, "Because when theybreak my window,

we have a stabbing here, theycome here first

and they cover it up."

That's how--it's thecost of doing business,

so I, you know--I didn't know--

They weren't dirty cops.

These guys were family guys.They were great guys.

This went on--when I wasabout 12, I went into the bar

one afternoon after schooland there was this fucking

long-haired, dirtylooking motherfucker,

you know,yelling at my mother.

And he was an undercovercop and he was a Cuban guy.

And I cold hear him talkingto my mom in Spanish

with another Cuban guy, like,"We want fucking money

every week," you know, "We'llcome back in the week.

"We better getour fucking money.

We're gonna put all youfucking Cubans in jail."

And about a week later,I was there again

and this douche bag comes inagain, he's talking to my mom.

But my mom, the whole time,is smiling.

Let me tell youmotherfuckers something.

Pre-revolution Cuba,before 1959--

those motherfuckersare tough.

Tough!

Man, Batista made Fidellook like a daycare center.

Batista didn'tfuck around.

Those Cubans are fucking tough.My mother was tough.

And my mother would go offon you, but this day,

she was just smiling.

[soft laughter]

But I could tellit bothered my mom.

These Cubans in Union City,they have--

that was the second-biggestCuban community,

so we had a bunch of bars.

We had a [speaking Spanish].

We had Club 38.

This is--listen to this,this is straight up.

Club 38,his name was Willy Vandi.

This guy was the grandson to theguy in "Godfather II"

that they took the senatorto see in Cuba.

They had the chicktied up and the guy

had a big dick, remember?

With a mask and a top hat?

This was his grandson andhe had a big dick, too.

I swear to God.I was, like, 12.

I went over there with my dadone night, I saw his dick,

I got all dizzy and shit.It was fucking huge.

He had this immigrant chicktied up, and he would just

smack her withthe dick and shit.

A little black Cubandude with a top hat,

fucking playing the conga.

It was fuckingtremendous, right?

I'm like, "Holy shit!"

That guy's dick was fuckingbig and he was white.

It was to the fucking floor,this guy.

It looked like afucking tail.

This was amazing.

[laughs]

So.

These fucking Cubans--one day,I get to my mother's bar

and all these Cubansare in there talking.

Like, this fuckingCuban guy got to go.

This guy's got to go, right?

And I'm making believe likeI don't hear shit, you know.

These Cubans wereselling a little bit of

drugs, they were booking.

So this guy wantedtheir action, you know.

They already paid a vig andthese guys wanted their action.

So one night, my mom--

There was this Puerto Ricanfamily on 26th Street

that I used toshoot hoops with.

Their mom was a little

straight-lacedPuerto Rican chick.

Didn't drink, did do--didn't even curse.

But once a month,she passed this fucking spirit.

Like, a dead African fuckingmaid or something, right?

Oh, it was tremendous.

It was like the "Walking Dead,"and she'd fucking drink a

bottle of 151 and spitit out and blow it on

candles and shit andfires and shit.

When you're a kid,that shit's tremendous.

You're giggling and shit.

"This bitch ain'tdead, right?"

So...

So this chick's in her fuckingtrance, and I'm giggling

with her kids, and she looks atmy mom and she comes over

to my mom and she goes,"What's going on with you?

Somebody's givingyou a hard time."

And she turns around,she gets a white dish,

and she gets a fucking candle,and she goes like this

under the fucking dish.

Then she throws the candle,that blows up like a

fucking magic trick and shit.

She turns the dish around...

It was like an image,like the ones that are

on tortilla, you know?

When fucking Jesusshows up in Mexico.

But it was on a plate,and it was like an image.

And she goes, "Is this the guythat's bothering you?"

Out of nowhere.Out of nowhere!

I shit my fucking pants.I'm like...

She takes the fuckingdish and breaks it.

And says, "Seven days."[speaking Spanish]

On the way home, I'm like,"That bitch got a

big spread to cover."

[laughs]

Holy shit!

I don't say nothing.I don't say nothing.

I wasn't allowed totalk about that shit

with my little fuckingItalian friends or nothing.

So about a week later,I go to grammar school.

I get in there and--I was goingto school in North Bergen,

which is a completedifferent jurisdiction.

And I see the teacherstalking about--

I hear them talkingabout bullets.

But, you know,somebody's body language?

You knew something happened.

I go to class, I get out ofclass, I get on my bicycle,

I ride up to my mom's bar.

The fucking Cubans arein there doing blasts.

These are when Cubans did realcoke out of aluminum foil.

Fuck the grinder.

They would just put fuckingrocks in their nose and shit.

I'd have to tell my mom,"Ma, wipe your nose!"

They're all up there,fucking celebrating,

clinking glass--I go, "What happened?"

They go, "That fucking copgot killed last night."

It was this taxicab company.They sold coke.

Rapido Taxi.They were Cubans.

Rápid means "quick,"you know what I'm saying?

And they never hadno customers,

they just flew aroundthe fucking town.

So he went down there to make acollection, like, midnight,

and they got himand his partner.

He shot the fuck out ofthat motherfucker.

Shot him!

And the partner's still alive.He got stuck in the car.

He says he couldn't get out,but they got him with buckshot.

So the fucking guy, they choppedhim in half with the bullets.

I fucking got on my bicycle,I went up--

this was before "CSI."

There was a brickwall just fucking

blown apart with bullets.

The shell casingswere everywhere.

They fucked thismotherfucker up.

And I was like,"I got to pay attention to that

"motherfuckinglady more often.

'Cause that bitch gotmagic powers, jack."

I forget about this story,I move on with my life.

A thousand things happen.

I go to jail,I come out.

I got to apply for a fucking jobwith a Honda dealership

in Boulder, Colorado.

They go, "A couple of peoplegot to interview you,

but one of them is Cuban."

And, you know, "He's gonna comein a little while."

He comes in,we start talking.

I go, "So where you from,Miami or Union City?"

He goes, "We used to be fromUnion City, but my dad was a cop

and he got shotthere 20 years ago."

And all of a sudden Igot dizzy, like I saw

Willy's dick all over again.

[laughs]

Well, I got thefuck out of there.

I ain't working withthis kiss of death.

And that's the story.

Thank you very much, guys.