Ari Shaffir - The Holy Spirit - Uncensored

Karma 04/12/2016 Views: 2,837

Ari Shaffir explains why he ended up pretending to be the attorney for a guy who thought he was the Holy Spirit (and how it backfired). (14:06)

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- You drop the caseagainst my client,

and in return,I, Ari Shaffir, Esquire,

will agree to bethe Holy Spirit's lawyer.

And the Holy Spirit was like,"Yeah, man, I'm in."

[laughter]

And that's how I startedmy law firm.

[dark electronic music]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,

and today all the storiesare about karma.

[cheers and applause]

He has his own podcast,

called "Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank."

Ari Shaffir! [cheers and applause]

- So, you guys, I'm going to doa story about karma.

This is when I first discoveredwhat karma is,

'cause everyone usesthe word "karma," you know?

Any time, like, something badhappens to you,

if someone laughs at you,

any time something badhappens to them,

you're like, "Yes.It's worked out in my favor.

Thank you, karma."

But I never really understood ituntil this moment.

I was just startingstand-up comedy.

It was, like, two years in.

I--okay, before I start,I should tell you this.

I don't know how--how many Jewsare in here right now?

[scattered cheers]Okay, a few.

Jews never get excited.They just kind of--

You were like,"Uh, I don't know.

This is how it starts.No, thanks."

[laughter]

"You're not gonna trick me."

What if that's howthe Holocaust started:

with, like, "Any Jews in here?"

Like, "Yeah!"

Be like, "Get him.Get him. Get her."

[laughter]

And then one Jewis in the bathroom.

Guy be like, "What did I miss?"

Like, "Shut up.You didn't miss anything.

Just fucking trust me.Shut up."

So I am a lot of people'sJewish friend,

and what that means is,they call me

when they have any questionsabout Jews.

Like, I'll get phone callsfrom my friends.

They're like, "Hey, Ari,

why are they walking aroundtoday?"

[laughter]

"It's Wednesday.

"I thought they only walk aroundon Saturday.

What's the deal?"

And you got to be like,"Oh, it's National Hut Day"

or "Sukkos" or whateveryou guys want to call it.

But--you know,or they'll be like,

"What does C-h-c-h spell?"

I'm like, "You're not gonna beable to pronounce it."

They're like,"Is it chuh-chuh?"

I'm like, "No, it's not.It's not choo-choo.

It's...[guttural sounds]

And they're like, "Yeah,

I wouldn't have gotten thatat all."

[laughter]

So I got this phone callone night from my friend

who's, like, a bigger comedianat the time.

I was just starting.

He was, like, a well-known,kind of a rich guy

who was, like, really famous.

And it doesn't matter who it is,but, like,

he called me one night,and he goes, "Ari!"

And I was like, "Yes?"

And he goes, "I need youto be my lawyer!"

And I'm like, "This isthe most racist phone call

"I've ever gotten in my life.

We don't all just knowhow to do that."

And he was like,"I know, asshole.

I was--I just--okay, here's what happened."

He was videotaping some guy.

It was the early daysof video cameras, you know,

when you had to, like,have a lot of money

to afford one.

He had a ton of cash.

He did mixed martial artscommentary on the side.

And...[laughter]

And so he had money from that.

But then, um...

But then he was videotapingsome crazy person.

I was like, "What?What are you talking about?"

He was like, "Listen,I was videotaping some guy."

And then right then,I got call waiting.

And I was like, "Wait, I'mgetting call waiting right now."

And he just goes,"You're my lawyer!"

And then he hangs up.

And I was like, "All right.

Let's see what thiscall waiting's all about."

And I picked up the phone,and this guy on the other end

was like, "Hello,my name is Michael [bleep],

and are you Joe Rogan's--or whoever, his lawyer?"

[laughter]

Uh...[laughs]

[applause]

And I was like,"Um, yes, I am.

That's right.Esquire."

And, uh...[laughter]

And he goes, "Okay, well,he was videotaping me.

I want him to deletethe footage."

And he told meto contact his lawyer.

And I was like, "Okay,here we go."

It's my first case,and I wanted to win it.

[laughter]

Also, this guy thoughtthat he was the Holy Spirit.

He goes, "I'm the Holy Spirit,

and I'm looking to suethis guy."

And I was like,"All right, well,

I ought to negotiate."

And I was able to useone thing that I knew

that he did not know,and I was like,

"Well, I'll use thatto my advantage."

And that was that he was notthe Holy Spirit.

[laughter]

That is not a real thing.

Even if it was a real thing,it wasn't this dude.

Anyway, so I was ableto talk to him.

I talked to him,and I got to a truce,

and the way I was ableto negotiate a truce was,

I told him,"Hey, how about this?

"You drop the caseagainst my client,

"and in return,I, Ari Shaffir, Esquire,

"will agree to bethe Holy Spirit's lawyer

in any cases he might have."

And the Holy Spirit was like,"Yeah, man, I'm in."

And that's how I startedmy law firm.

[laughter]

And he had so many cases,you guys.

He wanted to sueso many people.

He couldn't pay me.He was like, "I can't pay you."

I'm like, "Yeah, I know.Obviously.

"Like, that's notwhat this is all about.

"It's not a money-making scheme.

"It's just to entertain myself.

I'm an open-mic comic,and I'm bored."

He goes, "I'll tell you what,though.

I can't pay you,but in lieu of payment..."

And I was like, "Hmm? All right.What are you gonna say?"

And he goes, "When I becomeKing of Kings..."

I was like, "Hold on.Hold on. Let me...

"Okay, go ahead.I'm ready now.

Hit me with the rest of that."

He goes, "When I becomeKing of Kings,

"I will reward you

by letting you ruleover all of Jerusalem."

I'm like, "Dude, I've neverwanted to rule over anywhere

"as badly in my life

"as I want to ruleover Jerusalem right now.

"I didn't even know I wanted ituntil right now.

"And I'll rule them all--the Jews, the Palestinians.

They'll all bow before me!"

The power's already goneto my head.

Maybe I should wait.

Anyway, and I talked to him,like, every day for weeks.

Like, this went on.

He wanted to sueso many people, you guys.

He wanted to sue John Edwards.

Remember the psychic?

John--he wanted to sue himfor being a false prophet.

For money.

He wanted moneyfor that guy being a--

and I was like, "Why would youget the money for that?

"Like, let's sayhe is a false prophet.

Like, why do you cash in?"

And he was like,"'Cause I'm a real prophet,

and he's--it's hurtingmy business."

And I was like, "You know what?

"That works as a tactic.Absolutely.

We'll put in libelor something."

God, he wanted to sue people.

I talked to him so much,

and the weeks turnedinto months.

Like, I talked to him sometimesmultiple times a day.

Probably 12, 13 times a week,I talked to him.

Keep in mindI talk to my parents

once every two weeks.

And I talked to the Holy Spirit26 times

every time I talkedin between my parents.

God, he wanted to sue people.

He always used big wordsaround me too.

Like, he would talk to me,and he was like--

when he wanted to suea new person,

he was like, "Henceforth,when I, um, shall take

the plaintiff into"--

And I'm like, "Dude,I'm the fake lawyer,

"not you, you know?

"You don't have to usebig words.

That's on me."

God, he wanted to sue p--he wanted sue--

I got him to give mepower of attorney

over all his affairs too.

[crowd exclaims]

Yeah, I was like, "Dude,

I need you to say the wordsout loud."

I told him, "I'm recording it,"and I--

it was all on, like,those cassette tapes.

I threw them out eventually.I wish I had those things.

But I was like, "I need youto say the words."

He goes, "Okay.

He goes, "I, Michael [bleep],the Holy Spirit,

hereby give Ari Shaffirpower of attorney"--

I'm like, "Ah-ah!"

He goes, "Hereby giveAri Shaffir, Esquire,

power of attorneyover all my affairs."

And I was like,"You did the right thing."

He wanted to sue so--andthe months turned into years.

Like, this went on for, like,four years plus.

He wanted to sueto the San Diego State Hospital

for something to dowith electroshock therapy.

He probably had a caseon that one, to be honest.

[laughter]

Probably should have contacteda real lawyer on that last one.

The false prophet, he wasn'tgonna go anywhere with,

but the electroshock,he had a legit case.

And after a while,I got bored of it.

But I told him--like, at some point,

I was like, "I can't beyour lawyer anymore."

And he was not happy about it.

He was like, "Why?

What about all the caseswe're so close on?"

I'm like, "Well,you'd be surprised.

"We're not really that closeon a lot of those cases.

"The law is a slow-moving beast.

"That's what we sayaround the water cooler...

over at the law firmI work at."

And he was mad.

He was like, "Well, if you'renot gonna be my lawyer,

I'm not gonna pay you."

And I'm like, "Well,"this is all pro bono work.

You weren't paying me anyway."

He was like, "I promised youto be king

over all of Jerusalem."

I was like, "I know,and I'm sorry

"that that's gonna go away,but...

I'm gonna have to accept thatin my life."

And he kept calling.

Eventually, I stoppedtaking his phone calls,

and the phone calls stoppedafter a while,

and then it was over.

And then, like,three months after that,

I got a letter in the mail,

and it was fromthe Better Business Bureau.

[laughter]

Yeah, they threatenedto shut me down.

My firm that I builtfrom the ground up!

Not in my America!

So I fought it...

[laughter]

The only way I knew howto fight

against a letter fromthe Better Business Bureau:

by not replying to the letter.

I was--I was legit scaredfor a while

until I realized thatI don't have a law firm, so...

I'm just some guyin an apartment building.

You can't do anything to me.

And then the letterswent away,

and I was off scot-free

until one day I geta knock at my door,

and it was some guyin a suit outside.

And when I see a guy in a suitat my door,

which has never happened,my first thought, obviously:

lottery.

[laughter]

And I was like,"How much did I win?"

He was like, "What?"

I'm like, "How much did I win?"

He was like, "Are--what's--are you Ari Shaffir?"

And I go, "Yes."

And he handed me an envelope,

and he goes,"You've been served."

And I was like, "I've beenserved lottery winnings?"

He was like, "No,you're being sued."

And I was like,"Who's suing me?"

It was the Holy Spirit.

The Holy Spirit went to a court

and figured outhow to sue somebody,

and he sued me.

He sued me!

Guess how muchhe sued me for.

- 2,400!

- $2,400.

What an exact amountyou suggested.

No, you didn't get it.

$2,400, that'd bea lot of money. No.

He sued me for $800 million.

[laughter]

Yeah, $800 million

was how much he sued me for.

So here's the deal, you guys.

I don't know if you know howthe American legal system works.

But if somebody sues you,you have to reply,

or you just lose the case.

And I don't have $800 million.

I don't haveany million dollars.

But I don't know how to replyto a lawsuit.

You'd think with all those yearsof training,

I would have picked upsomething,

but no, I did not.

So I had to find a lawyer.

I had to get a lawyerto help represent me.

So I call Rogan,and I was like,

"Remember the Holy Spirit?"

And he was like, "No."

And I'm like,"You don't remember him?"

He's like, "No.What are you talking about?"

"Remember, like,a long time ago,

"you called me one nightand you said

"you needed me to be your lawyer

because you were videotapingsome guy?"

And he was like, "Sort of.

I barely remember that."

And I was like, "Okay, well,

I've been representing himfor the last half decade."

[laughter]

"And he's suing me now."

And he's like, "What?Why did you do that?"

I'm like, "A better question is,did I win your case?

And the answer is yes."

So I had to find another lawyer,and I had to hire her,

and she got it thrown out.

And the way she got itthrown out was,

one, it was writtenin Magic Marker,

which is not the standardink type for a lawsuit.

And then she showedthe judge that,

and she showed the judgethat the original amount,

what he wanted to sue me for,was not $800 million.

The original amount was"all the riches in the world."

[laughter]

He legit wanted to sue mefor all the riches in the world.

And the court clerkhad to be like,

"That's not an amount.

You can't get all the richesin the world."

And they were like,"What does that mean to you?"

He's like, "Oh, 800 million."

So she got it thrown outwith--with...

prejudice, thank you.

That sounds likea real lawyer.

You'd think I would have fuckingremembered that one.

Yeah, which prejudice,which means

he can't ever sue me again.

"Also, do you wantto countersue him," she said,

"For damagesfor putting you through this?"

And I was like,"What do you mean?"

She goes, "That's what karma is,you know?

"He can't, like,put you through this.

Now he's gonna have to gothrough his own thing."

And I was like, "Oh, no,karma's already...."

[laughter]

Like, I've never seen itas clearly

as I have right now.

But, like, it's done.

It already came and went backto where it was supposed to.

All right, that's my story,everybody.

Thank you very much, you guys.