B.J. Novak - Double Major

Novak, Rawlings, Lawless, Liberman Season 7, Ep 705 12/26/2003 Views: 48,431

B.J. Novak learned nothing in college. (3:23)

I LEARNED NOTHING IN COLLEGE.

IT WAS REALLY KIND OF MY OWNFAULT.

I HAD A DOUBLE MAJOR, PSYCHOLOGYAND REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

[LAUGHTER]

I USED TO SPONSOR AN ORPHAN IN

SOUTH AMERICA, UNTIL I SAW ON TVTHAT FOR THE SAME COST I CAN

BUY MYSELF A CUP OF COFFEEEVERY DAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BATTERED WOMEN...

SOUNDS DELICIOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]I THINK WE'VE ALL HEARD WHY

THESE TERRORISTS ARE SO HIGHLYMOTIVATED, WE'VE ALL HEARD THIS,

IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE TOLD THATWAITING FOR THEM IN HEAVEN

ARE 72 VIRGINS, AND FOR THOSETERRORISTS, THAT'S A GREAT THING

TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

FOR THOSE VIRGINS, HEAVEN ISN'TQUITE WHAT THEY EXPECTED, IS IT?

[LAUGHTER]I WOULD HATE TO GET THAT TALK

AS A YOUNG CHILD: "YOU BE A GOODLITTLE GIRL.

YOU MUST ALWAYS WEAR A BURKA.

YOU MUST ALWAYS WEAR A VEIL.

YOU MAY NOT GO TO SCHOOL.

YOU MAY NOT HAVE A JOB.

YOU MAY NOT LEARN TO READ.

YOU MAY NOT VOTE.

YOU MAY NOT DRIVE A CAR.

YOU MAY NOT SING, DANCE,PLAY GAMES, OR LISTEN TO MUSIC.

YOU MUST LIVE A LIFE OF ABSOLUTEHUMILITY AND CELIBACY, AND WHEN

YOU DIE YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN...

WHERE YOU WILL BE A SEX SLAVEFOR TERRORISTS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S WHAT I THINKWE SHOULD DO.

PAULA ABDUL IS HALF ARABAND HALF JEW.

WE SHOULD SEND HER TO THEMIDDLE EAST AND HOPEFULLY

THAT WILL BE THE END OF HER.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IF I COULD HAVE DINNER WITH

ONE PERSON, ALIVE OR DEAD,I THINK I WOULD CHOOSE...

ALIVE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE AIRLINES ARE ALL BANKRUPTNOW, ALL OF THEM.

THINGS ARE ALREADY DIFFERENT.

IT'S ALREADY A DIFFERENTEXPERIENCE.

I WAS IN A PLANE FOUR DAYS AGO,CROSS-COUNTRY FLIGHT ON A

MAJOR AIRLINE, AND--THIS IS ALL TRUE--

ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH THE FLIGHTTHE PLANE TOOK A NOSE-DIVE.

FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS WE WEREIN TOTAL FREE FALL.

AND AFTER THAT, THEY TRIEDTO SELL US PICTURES OF US

LOOKING TERRIFIED.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FOR 8.95.

AND I'M TELLING YOU,WHEN YOU SEE IT, YOU HAVE TO

HAVE IT.

BUT STILL...