Richard Lewis - Having Kids

Charles Fleischer & Stevie Ray Fromstein Season 1, Ep 0116 02/24/1992 Views: 2,826

Richard's sperm might need training wheels to get to the egg. (1:27)

I'M 44 AND I FEEL LIKEI MIGHT NOW HAVE TO...

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR.

I SAID, "GEE, THERE'S NO ONEIN MY LIFE AND, UH...

CHECK OUT, YOU KNOW,CAN I HAVE A CHILD?"

AND HE SAYS, "WELL, YOUR SPERMMIGHT NEED TRAINING WHEELS

TO GET TO THE..."

MAYBE I'LL DO ONE OF THOSEMICK JAGGER DEALS.

I CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE--

YOU KNOW, WATCHING FATHER KNOWS BEST MY WHOLE LIFE--

HAVING ONE OF THOSE FAMILIESMARRYING A MODEL FROM SWEDEN

AND SEEING MY SON EVERY FIVEYEARS, UH, MY SON, SVENSON.

"I'M SVENSON LEWIS.

MY FATHER WANTS METO BE A KOSHER CATERER."

AND I NEED TIME.

OLD MEN NEEDTIME, YOU KNOW.

AND I PLAY ONE OF MY FAVORITESONGS FROM THE BEATLES--

I DON'T KNOWIF IT'S THE WHITE ALBUM--

BUT JUST SO I CAN MAKE SURE

I'M GOING TO BE THEREAT THE MOMENT OF PASSION

I PLAY NUMBER NINE,NUMBER NINE...

SO THAT GIVES ME ABOUT AN HOUR,HOUR AND A HALF

JUST TO MAKE SURE THINGSARE GOING TO WORK OUT AND UH...

AND WHEN THINGSAREN'T WORKING OUT

I KNOW IT'S A DRAG,YOU KNOW, FOR MY LOVER

SO I HIRE A BARBER SHOP QUARTETTO COME IN AND SING

♪ HE'LL GET AROUSED,HE'LL GET AROUSED... ♪

( laughter )

I THINK THE LOW POINTFOR ME MAKING LOVE

ABOUT A MONTH AGO I SAID

"HEY, THIS ORGASM'S FOR YOU!"

AND THAT WAS REALLY, YOU KNOW...

BUT HEY, I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.

I'M NOT PROUD OF IT,BUT I'M LEARNING, I'M LEARNING.