Peter Berman - Umpires

  • Season 10 , Ep 20
  • 04/27/2006
  • Views: 4,013

An umpire's job is calling people out. (3:11)

GREAT!

GET OUTTA HERE. RIGHT ON!

YEAH! RIGHT ON.

RIGHT ON. ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU!

EVERYBODY GOOD? YOU GOOD? YOU GOOD?

- Audience: YES!- SWEET. I'M GOOD, MAN.

I WAS JUST IN VEGAS A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO. YOU GUYS DIG VEGAS?

- YOU DIG VEGAS?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

VEGAS IS SO SICK AND WRON AND RIGHT AND PERFECT

ALL AT THE SAME TIME. ISN'T IT, MAN?

EVERY TRIP YOU'LL EVER HAVE IN VEGAS YOUR WHOLE LIFE,

YOU'RE PULLINGINTO VEGAS, YOU'RE LIKE,"WHEW! VEGAS, BABY!"

THREE DAYS LATER WHEN YOU'RE LEAVIN', YOU'RE LIKE, "[BLEEP] THIS TOWN, MAN!"

AND LIKE A MONTH LATER ONE OF YOUR FRIEND'S CALLS,

"HEY, MAN, WANNA GO TO VEGAS?"

"[BLEEP], YEAH!

- I LOVE LAS VEGAS, MAN." - [LAUGHTER]

DO YOU GUYS LIKE BASEBALL? YOU LIKE BASEBALL STILL?

- DO YOU?- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T EVEN LIKE BASEBALL THAT MUCH ANYMORE, MAN.

IF EVER GO TO A GAME AGAIN, I'M ROOTIN' FOR THE UMPIRE.

WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO BE AN UMPIRE? SERIOUSLY, GIVE THAT SOME THOUGHT.

YOUR JOB IS CALLIN' PEOPLE OUT. THAT'S GOTTA BE GOOD.

THIS IS YOUR JOB. READY?

- DEE-YAAHHH! - [LAUGHTER]

COME ON, MAN. THAT'S GOTTA BE BETTER THAN WHATEVER THE HELL

YOU'RE DOIN' NOW, DON'T YOU THINK?

YOU GET INTO A FIGHT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND,

YOUR GIRLFRIEND, YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE.

YOU GET TO GO TO WORK. "DEE-YAAHHH!

"I HATE YOUR SISTER! I MEAN, STRIKE TWO, BUDDY.

- STRIKE TWO." - [LAUGHTER]

HERE'S WHAT I DON'T GET.WHY IS THE UMPIRE NICE?

CAN ANYBODY ANSWER ME THAT? WHY IS THE UMPIRE NICE?

IF I WAS THE UMPIRE, I'D BE A PRICK, WOULDN'T YOU?

YOU REMEMBER A FEW YEARS AGO, THIS GUY, ROBERTO ALOMAR.

HE HOCKED A LOOGIE ON AN UMP. YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT?

HE HOCKED ONE RIGHT ON THE UMP.

HE'S LIKE...[Hocks Loogie]. AND THE UMP GOES,

- [Soft Voice] "QUIT IT." - [LAUGHTER]

AND THEN HE TOLD ON HIM. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ME, MAN.

IF I WAS THE UMP, I WOULD WAIT FOR THAT DUDE

TO COME UP TO THE PLATE AGAIN.

9th INNING, HIS TEAM'S DOWN BY A RUN.

BASES LOADED. FULL COUNT.

2 OUTS. HE LOOKS AT STRIKE 3, 14 [BLEEP] FEET OVER HIS HEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

HE STARTS WALKIN' TO 1st. "UNH-UNH-UNH, STRIIIKE!"

[APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

I'D GET THE CROWDTO HELP ME OUT. I WOULD.

I'D BE LIKE, "GIVE ME AN 'O!' GIMME A 'U'!"

YEAH, AND THEY'RE ALLOWED TO WHIP THEIR HELMET TO THE UMP

AND SWEAR AT HIM. HE JUST STANDS THERE.

IF THAT DUDE WAS SWEARING TO ME,I'D FOLLOW HIM ALL THE WAY BACK

TO THE DUGOUT. I'D BE LIKE, "DEE-YAAHHH!"

"OH REALLY? YEAH? DEE-YAAHHH!"

WAITIN' FOR HIMIN THE PARKING LOT AFTERTHE GAME, "DEE-YAAHHH!"

CALL THE HOTEL AT LIKE 2AM. "HELLO?" "DEE-YAAHHH!"

SEND HIM SOME FLOWERS. "THESE ARE LOVELY.

I WONDER WHO--" "DEE-YAAHHH!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS, WHISTLE AND APPLAUSE]

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