(Jay Mohr)MY WIFE CAME HOMEWITH SATIN SHEETS,
AND I SWEAR TO GOD, IALMOST KILLED MYSELF.
THESE THINGS ARE LETHAL.
I WAS SO EXCITED TO HAVESEX IN SATIN SHEETS,
I'M RUNNING THROUGH THE HOUSENAKED WITH A HARD (bleep)...
I DIVE INTO THEBED, I SLIDE ACROSS.
I WENT ACROSS THAT BED LIKEIT WAS AN AIR HOCKEY TABLE.
I-I DIDN'T EVENTHINK I TOUCHED IT.
I JUST KINDOF HOVERED, WOOOO!
(Jay Mohr)SATIN SHEETS ARE MADEFOR WOMEN, NOT MEN.
THAT'S WHY YOURWIFE BUYS 'EM.
YOU NEVER SEEA GUY LIKE...
GOT SATIN SHEETS.
WENT TO HOME DEPOT, BROUGHTHOME SOME SATIN SHEETS...
AND SOME FERTILIZER.
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKETHE SATIN SHEETS.
NO, THEY'REMADE FOR WOMEN.
MY WIFE GETS INTO SATINSHEETS SHE JUST DISTRIBUTES.
LIKE LIQUID MERCURY,SHE'S IN BED,
AND THEN SHE'S LIKE,"OKAY, COME ON..."
AND THEN IT'S MYTURN, THE GUY.
WE GOT WARTS, CALLUSES,BUNIONS, HAIR ON OUR CHEST,
MOLES, YOU GOT THATSCAR ON YOUR BALL BAG
WHERE YOU HAD THE VENEREALWART TAKEN OFF, RIGHT?
HYPOTHETICALLY.
I HAVEN'T CUT MYTOENAILS IN SIX MONTHS.
YOU KNOW WHEN ICUT MY TOENAILS?
WHEN SOMEBODY GOES...
"JES (bleep),WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR(bleep) TOENAILS?"
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOWI HAD TOENAILS.
EVERY IMPERFECTIONYOU HAVE AS A MAN
MAKES A SOUND AS IT KNIFESTHROUGH THE SATIN SHEETS.
(screeching sound)
MATERIAL'S FLYINGALL OVER THE ROOM.
EVERY TIME I GET UP TOTHE BATHROOM IT'S LIKE
A (bleep) DAMN"THREE STOOGES" MOVIE.