RETURN JULY 2014
You guys ever liedso much on a résumé,
you're actually shockedthat they give you the job?
That's awesome, right?
Like, you lie so much,you want to have a talk
with the company to make surethey're not messing with you,
"Hey. Psst. Come here.
"Are you sure about this?
"Look at me, look at my résumé.
Do I look like an astronaut?"
And I lie, you know--when I lie,
I'm not going to do that whole,"Hey, I type 80 words a minute."
I'm like,"Hey, I went to the moon."
And I do that because my sisteris my fake boss
for every fake jobI've ever had.
So when you're callingto check references,
you're never callinga real company.
You're callingmy sister's house, right?
And you always know it's crap,
'cause she's this 40-year-oldMexican mother of three.
So every time she answersthe phone, she's like,
"Yes, is NASA.
(whispers):"I don't know.
"Yes, with the shuttlesand the rockets. Yes.
"Sergio, get off the bed!
"Oh, yeah, she's the best astronauta we've got.
"Yeah, she goes to the moon,like, five times a week.
"Sergio, get offthe stupid bed right now!
"Oh, no, no, no, I'm not busy.
"I'm not busy. No, no, no, no.
"No, no, I... I'm in the middleof a countdown.
I hate working, you know.
I think it's because,when you're a kid,
nobody tells youthat when you grow up
you're going to have to workevery day of your life.
No one tells you that.
When I was a kid, I couldn'twait to grow up and be an adult.
Now that I'm an adult,I can't wait to die.
'Cause sometimes life sucks.
Am I ever going to pay off myMontgomery Ward's credit card?
That store hasn't been aroundfor ten years.
I still owe them for a VCR
and a pair of L.A. GearI don't have anymore.
That store is so old, halfof you don't know what the hell
I'm talking about right now.
That's how old that is.
Man, you know, I actually
recently triedlosing weight, you know.
I recently bought a scale.
There's only two kinds of peoplein the world
that own scales, okay?
People who think they're fatand drug dealers.
That's it. No one else.
Skinny people don't haveto check their weight.
They're skinny, you know?
All they do is wake up inthe morning, look in the mirror
and say, "Hey.(clicks tongue)
The rest of us,we get desperate.
I mean, hell,I bought a digital scale
because, if I lose an ounce,
I want to knowI lost a stupid ounce!
I'm like, "Hey."
"Notice anything different?
"I'm down four ounces.
I'm so hungry!"