Richard Lewis - Hypochondriac

Richard Belzer & Jonathan Katz Season 1, Ep 0102 02/24/1992 Views: 1,210

It's hard to exercise when you're a hypochondriac. (3:13)

I'M LOOKING DOWN HERE.

OH, I JUST THOUGHT I FOUNDSOME PIGEON DROPPINGS

BUT HEY, AS LONG ASYOU HAVE YOUR HEALTH.

THIS IS A GREAT SET.

THIS IS FABULOUS.

I DON'T KNOW.

A TRANSVESTITE PUPPET SHOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHATWAS HERE BEFORE ME.

BUT I DON'T FEEL WELL.

EVEN THOUGHI LOVE THESE TWO GUYS

I MEAN, LOOK, COME ON.

I'M A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

BACKSTAGE, I DON'TSIGN AUTOGRAPHS.

I SIGNED A VALIUM FORSOME WOMAN BACKSTAGE.

BUT, NO.

I WAS A HYPOCHONDRIACFROM, LIKE, DAY ONE.

MY PARENTS TOLD ME THIS, ANYWAY.

WELL, I HAD RATTLESWITH ASPIRIN IN IT

WHICH WAS SORT OF A SAD THING.

AND THEN I WENTTO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

AND I USED TO TAKE M&Ms,SERIOUSLY, ONE AT A TIME

WITH A GLASS OF WATER,WHICH WAS SORT OF EMBARRASSING.

THEN I WOULD,LIKE, NOT GO TO SCHOOL

BUT MY MOTHER WAS HIPBECAUSE SHE WAS A WACKO LIKE ME

AND SHE USED TO SEND MENOTES TO, LIKE, GYM:

"RICHARD CAN'T TUMBLE TODAY.

HE'S TOO DISTRAUGHT."

NOTES LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW.

BUT I WANT TO THANK

WHOEVER GAVE ME THEBOUQUET OF SUDAFED.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BUT I AM VERY SICK.

I MEAN, YOU CAN TELL.

I SWEAT EVEN WHEN I'M HAPPY.

WHEN I MAKE LOVE, I SWEAT.

IF I'M IN A HAMMOCK, I SWEAT.

AT HOME, I HAVEA WALK-IN MEDICINE CHEST

WHICH I'M UNHAPPY ABOUT.

I HAD THIS THING ON MY NECKABOUT THREE DAYS AGO.

I SWEAR TO GOD, IT WASLIKE A BLUE, LIKE A RASH.

IT LOOKED LIKE A ZIT,COULD HAVE BEEN A FEZ.

I CALLED THE SKIN DOCTOR.

IT WENT AWAY OVERNIGHT.

I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR, I SWEAR,THE NEXT MORNING-- GONE.

STILL KEPT THE APPOINTMENT.

THIS IS A SIGNWHEN YOU'RE A WACKO.

STILL... IT WAS, LIKE, $50,WHATEVER THEY CHARGE IN L.A.

I DON'T KNOW, WHO KNOWS.

THE INSURANCE FORM,ALL THAT CRAP.

I ACTUALLY WENTTO THE SKIN DOCTOR.

I WAS FINE.

THE BLUE FEZ WAS GONE.

I WENT TO THE DOCTORTO SHOW HIM WHERE IT WAS

AND I MADE, LIKE

A LITTLE PENCIL DRAWINGAROUND WHERE IT WAS.

AND THEN BEFORE TONIGHT

I'M WITH THE A LIST,I'M EXCITED, YOU KNOW.

WE GET THE BEST COMICSIN THE COUNTRY

AND FOOLISHLY I WENT TO A DELIAND I HAD A CORNED BEEF SANDWICH

AND THEN I PUT MY FINGER INONE OF THESE PULSE MACHINES

AND THEY HAVE, LIKE, IF YOU'REZERO TO 60, YOU'RE A JOGGER

60 TO 90, YOU'RE OKAY

90 TO 100, YOU'RE...

IT DIDN'T EVEN FLASH A NUMBERWHEN I PUT MY FINGER IN.

IT FLASHED"FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS."

IT WAS SORT OF EMBARRASSING.

BUT I'M TRYING TO TAKECARE OF MYSELF NOW.

BUT I DON'T LIKE GYMS.

I DON'T LIKE TO BE NAKEDIN FRONT OF OTHER MEN.

I JUST TRY TO, UH...

THAT STAIRMASTER,I KNOW IT'S GOOD FOR PEOPLE.

I USE THE STRESSMASTER.

I JUST CALL MY MOTHER,AND I DROP EIGHT TO TEN POUNDS

IN ABOUT AN HOUR,HOUR AND A HALF.

JUST SIT THERE AND I JUST SHVITZ THERE, ALL THE WEIGHT.

BUT I'VE TRIED TO RUN,BUT HERE'S THE DEAL.

WHEN YOU'RE A HYPOCHONDRIAC,IT'S HARD TO EXERCISE.

YOU'RE AFRAID YOU'REGOING TO DIE, QUITE FRANKLY.

I WAS IN NEW YORK LAST WEEK,CENTRAL PARK

AND THEY HAVE, LIKE,A LITTLE PATH FOR BIKES

AND I SEE THERE WAS, LIKE,AN OUTLINE OF A BICYCLE.

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS

BECAUSE I'M SO OUT OF TOUCHWITH EXERCISE.

I WENT, "OH, MY GOD,ANOTHER SCHWINN MURDER."