Eliot Chang - Is It True?

  • Season 14 , Ep 19
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 16,386

Eliot Chang knows what people say about Asians behind his back -- and to his face. (3:06)

[ LAUGHTER ]

WE KNOW WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT USBEHIND OUR BACK AND TO OUR FACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU GUYS DON'T EVEN HIDETHAT RACISM.

YOU'RE UP IN MY FACE,LIKE, "WHAT'S UP, MOFO?!"

I THOUGHT YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO HIDE RACISM.

SERIOUSLY, I THOUGHT --

I THOUGHT YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO HIDE RACISM.

DID I MISS AN E-MAIL?JESUS. YOU KNOW?

SO, WE DON'T HAVE THE SAME COOLMYSTIQUE THAT BLACK DUDES HAVE,

YOU KNOW, BUT I TRY TO LOOKON THE BRIGHT SIDE,

BECAUSE THAT MEANS IF A GIRL'SWITH ME, SHE'S WITH ME FOR ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S LIKE, "WOW, THIS BITCHACTUALLY LIKES MY PERSONALITY?

WHO'D HAVE THUNK IT?"

PLUS, THERE'S NO PRESSURE,

'CAUSE SHE DOESN'T EXPECT METO HAVE A BIG PENIS,

AND WHEN SHE SEES THAT I DO,"SURPRISE!"

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LIKE, "OH, DAMN! HE CAN DO MEWELL AND GET A BANK LOAN!

JACKPOT!BIG BUCKS, NO WHAMMIES."

AND THEN THE SECOND THINGPEOPLE ASK ME

IS LIKE, "HEY, ELIOT,IS IT TRUE? DO ASIANS EAT DOG?"

I'M LIKE,"DUDE, ASIANS DO NOT EAT DOG.

POOR PEOPLE EAT DOG.OKAY?"

AND I DON'T CAREWHAT RACE YOU ARE.

WHEN YOU'RE STARVING,YOU GET CREATIVE.

IF I LOCKED YOU IN A ROOMWITH NO FOOD,

YOU'D COME OUT WITH A RECIPEFOR YOUR OWN ASS, LIKE, "MWAH!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I CAN'T BELIEVEI'VE BEEN IGNORING THIS.

IT'S WITH ME ALL THE TIME."

AND BY THE WAY, AMERICA,

YOU CAN'T SAY [BLEEP]TO US ANYMORE

'CAUSE I'VE SEEN "FEAR FACTOR."

OKAY?ASIANS EAT DOG TO SURVIVE.

YOU EAT WHALE [BLEEP]TO BE FAMOUS.

REALLY. TALK TO USABOUT OUR PRIORITIES. [BLEEP]

SO, NO, I DO NOT EAT DOG,

BUT I DO LIKE TO MESSWITH PEOPLE.

SO, YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO?

I JUST WANT TO GO TO, LIKE,A DOG PARK ALL DAY

WITH A BIG BOTTLE OF KETCHUP.

I'M LIKE, "MMM.

"HEY! HEY, LITTLE GUY.

"HEY, SIMMER.I MEAN SIT -- SIT.

"GOOD DINNER -- DOGGY.OOH.

THIS IS A GREAT BUFFET."

AND THE LAST THING PEOPLEASK ME IS,

"HEY, ELIOT, IS IT TRUE?ARE ASIANS BAD DRIVERS?"

AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YEAH, THEY [BLEEP] ARE.THEY ARE!

OH!

[ LAUGHTER,CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMESI PASS AN ACCIDENT,

I'M LIKE,"PLEASE DON'T BE ASIAN!

PLEASE DON'T BE ASIAN!PLEASE DON'T BE ASIAN!"

[BLEEP]

NOW I GOT TO FOLLOWTHIS FOOL HOME AND KILL HIM,

JUST TO STOP HIMFROM SPREADING STEREOTYPES.

I HAVE TO MURDER FOR EQUALITY.THAT'S MESSED UP.

UNLESS HE'S GOT A BIG [BLEEP]

THEN I LET HIM GO,'CAUSE, YOU KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

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