Matt Bearden - Rat Problem

Jobrani, Bearden, Feinstein, Fisch Season 8, Ep 0812 12/03/2004 Views: 1,971

Matt Bearden has rats in his apartment. (3:08)

A SUPER MODEL WHEN SHE TRIES TO

TALK, UH 'CAUSE THAT'S A TRAIN

WRECK COMING RIGHT THERE WHICH

IS EXCITING SO MY BUDDIES AN

EDITOR OUT IN L.A. AND HE SENDS

ME THIS OUTTAKE TAPES.

HE SENDS ME THIS ONE OF

REBECCA ROMIJN-STAMOS.

EVERYBODY KNOW WHO SHE IS?

HOT RIGHT?

UNDENIABLY, NICE GIRL PROBABLY,

MAYBE NOT THE SHARPEST COOKIE

IN THE UH SHED OR WHATEVER THE

UH PHRASE, I, I DON'T READ,

THAT'S A PROBLEM YEAH C'MON,

I DON'T HAVE TIME.

THERE'S TV.

WE GOT A WAR ON PEOPLE!

[LAUGHTER]

SO SHE'S ON THIS BEACH,

TAHITI, BORA BORA, SOME PLACE

LIKE THAT, SHE'S ON THE

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED 'SWIMSUIT

ISSUE, RIGHT, WHICH IS HOT,

RIGHT?

AND SHE'S SMOKING A CIGARETTE,

PAINED LOOK ON HER FACE,

'CAUSE HER LIFE IS HARD, RIGHT?

AND THEN THEY ASK HER THEY'RE

LIKE, "REBECCA, HOW DID YOU

FEEL WHEN YOU FOUND OUT YOU'D

BE ON THE COVER OF THE SPORTS

ILLUSTRATED 'SWIMSUIT' ISSUE?"

SHE TAKES A LONG PENSIVE DRAG

FROM THAT CIGARETTE, "HOW DID

I FEEL WHEN I FOUND OUT I'D BE

ON THE COVER.

I DON'T KNOW.

HOW DID LOUIE ARMSTRONG FEEL

WHEN HE WALKED ON THE MOON?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND I'M NOT TRYING TO BE

MR. SMARTY PANTS, LIKE I KNOW

MORE THAN YOU AND I DON'T WANT

YOU TO BE NOT IN THE JOKE,

SO TO INCLUDE YOU, TO EXPLAIN

IT, NEIL ARMSTRONG ACTUALLY

THE GUY ON THE MOON.

LOUIE ARMSTRONG MULTIPLE TIME

WINNER OF THE TOUR DE FRANCE.

[LAUGHTER]

SO UH, MY ROOMMATE HAVE THIS

THING, IT'S KIND OF A

DILAPIDATED HOUSE AND WE HAVE

THIS THING THAT WE'RE CALLING

A "RAT" PROBLEM.

UH, MAINLY THE HOUSE IS FILLED

WITH THESE GIANT HAIRY RODENTS,

HENCE, "RAT" PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER]

AH, GENERALLY BY THE TIME I GET

A GIRL BACK TO MY HOUSE,

SHE'S PLIED WITH ENOUGH ALCOHOL

AND FALSE HOPE THAT'S IT'S GOING

TO BE, HMM-MM, MY KIND OF NIGHT.

BUT IF YOU GOT SOMETHING RUNNING

THROUGH THE ATTIC ALL NIGHT

LONG, MAKES IT REALLY HARD TO

GET THE PANTIES OFF.

HENCE, "RAT PROBLEM".

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT IT, BUT WE'RE LIKE

SINGLE DUDES, WE JUST HAVE A

REFRIGERATOR FILLED WITH

CANNED BEER, LIKE WHAT ARE

THEY AFTER, YOU KNOW WHAT I

MEAN.

SO IT'S LIKE, WE PUT THE TRAPS

OUT JUST TO BE SAFE BUT IF YOU

DRINK LIKE WE DO, NOT A GOOD

IDEA.

SOMEONE'S GONNA GET HURT.

ALSO NOT A GOOD IDEA TO PUT

YOUR TOMMY LEE IN ONE OF THOSE

THINGS AND RUN OUT IN THE

PARTY GOING, "CHECK OUT WHAT

I CAUGHT.

LOOK AT WHAT I CAUGHT, YEAH,

YEAH."

'CAUSE THAT JOKE ENDS IN TEARS.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE HAVE THIS THING IN OUR

HOUSE, IT'S WEIRD IT'S CALLED

A UH...

A PANTRY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

IT'S FOR BUT THE PEOPLE THAT

LIVED THERE BEFORE US STORED

FOOD IN IT 'CAUSE I THINK

THEY'RE IN SOME WEIRD CULT OR

SOMETHING, DOOMSDAY THING.

AND WHAT THEY DID IS THEY PUT

CEREAL ON THE TOP SHELF AND IT

TURNS OUT THAT'S WHAT THE RATS

ARE AFTER.

SO WE FREAKED OUT RIGHT, 'CAUSE

CEREAL IS WHAT FEED KIDS AND

YOU SEE HOW BIG THEY GET, RIGHT

AND...

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S AWKWARD.

SO THE RATS ARE GETTING LIKE

HUGE, LIKE AND WE'RE FREAKED

OUT SO I GOT THIS JACKASS

FRIEND WHO COMES OVER AND HE'S

LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD

DO, DUDE?

YOU SHOULD GET A CAT.

A CAT'LL TAKE CARE OF THE RATS."

I WAS LIKE, "HAVE YOU SEEN THE

SIZE OF THESE RATS?

I CAN'T GET A CAT, I GOTTA GET

LIKE, LIKE A TIGER, RIGHT."

YEAH, AND YOU CAN'T JUST GET

ONE TIGER RIGHT 'CAUSE THEY

GET BORED IN THE HOUSE AND START

CLAWING UP STUFF, RIGHT.

SO I HAD TO GET LIKE TWO, FIVE,

TEN TIGERS, NO I GOTTA LEARN

MAGIC AND START [BLEEP] MY

ROOMMATE.

[LAUGHTER]